Where we have been.

A small, rather pointless list:
1. Applying to more than twenty colleges. I should be slapped.
2. I have been out of touch for more than a few days.
3. I ate organic yogurt last night with pineapple and white chocolate chips and I don’t feel the least bit guilty about it.
4. I am trying to lose weight.
5. Standardized Testing says nothing about a person’s true intelligence.
6. I have decided that I belong at a Women’s College.
7. Sam and I presented our project on Tuesday.
8. Now the real work begins, with V-DAY and RAINN and the original play we are writing.
9. Christmas is coming soon.
10. I am going to Chicago to audition for schools in February.
11. We will be there the 3rd , 4th , and 5th. Scary.
12. Thanksgiving was surprisingly borderline painless.
13. I drove a good thirty miles to speak to my father’s father- who I haven’t spoken to in some good number of years. He is dying. We said goodbye.
14. My life is being ruled by college applications.
15. I haven’t been having real human conversations with people about anything meaningful.
16. I am stressed to a maximum stress point over the everyday, common experience of a person my age for one of the first times in my life and I must say, it is a relief in some ways.
17. The brain has been on fire for the last two or three weeks.
18. The Greek Shows are over and I miss Andromache and Adonica very much.
19. Children everywhere are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
20. There is a God.

Loaded Words

Stay away from the treehouse
don't separate the two words, tree and house, they
are both together, in whole, forbidden
synonym to swimmingpool, but pull those apart;
constantly waiting to see what it is that you are
waiting for.
zero. hit zero, my pants were made in Russia
husband and wife in trashcan, missing legs
a dancer, can you believe that?

and she dies but we can't remember which
one, if any, lived
you didn't flush the toilet. How many times have I
told you about that, there is no soap and you
read about fixing things.
I can not speak but I do function properly.
Monsters are in that room with you.
I called your dentist, knew the teacher
was a real thought, and there are so many pictures
for the time at Christmas

with cards ripped open from the top
perforated edges and bedtime
defense attorneys push invisible buttons
on the floor, near paper cut outs of who we
used to be.
Take a swig from the brown and let it slide back
through into the bad places where Vachss said,
"talking doesn't get things fixed"

and I wonder what would have happened had I told you something
other than, penciled in another response more like
there goes your phone, it rings
and you still reach for it, and my head repeats words that now
Icanneversay, stuck in the place where
they gave me water in a morphine drip and even I
want so badly to just believe, but the water isn't fixing anything.

H and B and J (good-day for the comedians)

Obama wins. We dance and rejoice.

love, jessieh

Gov. Sarah Palin on SNL

Rape Survivors' Words Help Jolt Congo Into Change

Read: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/18/world/africa/18congo.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

love, jessieh

warning: we would display article here, but for some it may be triggering.

RAINNmaking: Fundraising for RAINN

RAINN offers free, confidental support twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Their phone number is 1-800-656-HOPE and their online hotline can be reached at www.rainn.org.

Sam and I are becoming RAINNmakers. We are wanting to raise money for the Rape, Abuse, and Incest, National Network as part of our Humanties' project. we are writing, directing, and producing a performance piece for the spring of 2009 that addresses the issues of sexual violence on a local, national, and global level as the main focus of our Humanities’ project.

As part of our efforts to raise awareness of these crimes and their direct impact on the everyday lives of women, children and men everywhere we are hoping to raise money for RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization.

We believe that getting help is the single most critical step a victim of sexual violence can take on the path to becoming a survivor. It is vital that victims have access to free and anonymous support services whenever needed. RAINN provides a safe outlet where victims and their friends and family can go to receive free, live and anonymous support around the clock.

If you would like to make a contribution please visit our Rainnmaker page at http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/JessiehSam , where you will find very simple instructions on how to donate and assist in our efforts to aid those impacted by sexual violence.

This organization means a great deal to us and we hope that you will support our efforts to enable RAINN to help more victims. We also have plans to fundraise on local and global levels by working with community Rape Crisis centers and V-Day: A Global Movement to End Violence Against Women and Girls. We hope you will contribute your financial support and we hope to see you in the spring of 2009. We thank you for your enthusiasm, encouragement and efforts.

In thanks, Jessieh Johnson-Cunningham and Sam Orr

A message from SAFER (Students Active for Ending Rape):

Attached you will find a press release from Students Active for Ending Rape (SAFER) about our new sexual assault policies database. (http://www.safercampus.org/policies.php) The database archives sexual assault policies from colleges and universities across the nation. We hope that providing examples of effective policies will assist student activists in reforming their own school’s sexual assault policy. The database also allows students to comment on whether or not their school actually implements the policies as they have been written.

We’re reaching out to student activists this week, asking them to comment on the policy at their school if it is in the database already, or submit their school’s policy for inclusion if it is not.

Thanks, SAFER

------

I am hoping to help SAFER reach students by publicizing the database here. (http://www.safercampus.org/policies.php)

The policy database can only be useful if students know their resources exist. Please share this great resource with your friends, coworkers, and fellow students.

love, jessieh

( top: do you remember when we were kids//and built the greatest castles on the beach//how the sun set and the tide slowly rolled in//and the waves slowly took everything from us without mercy//how we tried to save what could not be saved//fought with such fervor so peculiar//cursing and screaming and without a chance//didn't wonder for a second what was up with us//and when it was over, we only laughed//and drenched in sweat we asked ourselves what did we do//we could not have won, could only lose//the philosophers in us started to philosophize//why you do something even if it is hopeless//when you should rather stop if you are reasonable//we sat and talked and the sun went down//and we reached this conclusion that I found so formidable even then//what should we have done?//what should we have done?//maybe it's sometimes wrong to stay cool//but maybe it's wrong to decide for that//while we didn't give up together, we were so proud//no stupdid "so what!" and no simple "what for!"I would give at least one leg to dance with you one more time. and the rest, if I could only have you back in my life.

bottom: stop hating yourself.

please get well again.

we miss you.

The number of boys and girls with eating disorders is increasing )

love, jessieh

the terrible truth ( a list of the events and what-not leading to now)

1. (Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun introduced to me by Jenny. Number One on this list is a crudely paraphrased, yet very important idea of hers) We must accept the simple truth that pain is only human and knowing that, we must abandon all hope that we can escape it. Instead, we must learn and practice sitting with the pain, allowing it to impact us and make choices to help each other. We must learn to take care.

2. We are all in some kind of love.

3. I will not be another Prozac popper.

4. Sometimes I feel guilty to be living this life. Thousands upon thousands of children are being raped and butchered and eviscerated. The guilt motivates. It is the terrible truth behind my desires.

5. I enjoy Prob. & Stats. I love AP Lit. I am happiest in two places; with those I love and onstage.

6. College is this big giant sea of anxiety. I am so excited. I love the idea of being somewhere else that I can learn, and feast and develop. Right now though, I cannot imagine that day that I leave this school. It means leaving the work, leaving Studio IV, leaving the instructors and educators. My heart is filled with overwhelming gratitude to this institution.

7. I don't know where God is, but I know God must be somewhere.

8. Let's just get better together. And then some.

9. We are going to change the world. All of us. We humans, we're running out of other options.

10. Sarah Palin needs to stay in Alaska. They obviously like her there.

11. In the race for the cure, I came in 708th. Right behind a 78 year old man and a 7 year old little boy named Thomas. Great life.

12. We are Trojan women.

13. Yesterday we celebrated Banned Books week and the battle of censorship. We had a reading in the courtyard. I read from Dorothy Allison's Bastard Out of Carolina and Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues. Others read from Ulysses, The Handmaid's Tale and Brave New World.

14. Paul Newman died on Saturday. He and Joanne Woodward have been married for almost 50 years. The idea of him dying summons the idea of her dying and the day that she dies is going to be a sad sad day.

love, jessieh

Three pictures from the first month.

I will write more soon.

love, jessieh

In reply: (and PS)

I have recieved several e-mails wondering "where the blogging has gone to?". I promise to write very very soon. At the moment though my living-load is significantly overwhelming and trying, even attempting to sort things into some kind of order with words at this moment seems very difficult. I promise to write later today, at least to give an update of sorts.

love, jessieh

Max.

A former Visual Artist named Max committed suicide last Saturday. The entire campus seems to have been temporarily swallowed by this loss. I didn’t know Max very well. I knew him mostly through my close friend Patrick who was in a very close relationship with Max up until the time of his death. Max was a great believer in Eternalism (or Block Theory of the Universe, 4th dimension theory placement) and those closest to him have said his death was his way of finding an answer to a philosophical question. I think Max was a genius and this is not a statement to glorify or glamorize his death.

“Max Thomas Lamar Glazier, 17, died Saturday, August 23, 2008.Max was born in Roanoke, Va. on April 28, 1991, a son of Michael Glazier and Laura Jean Mills Glazier. He was a member of Georgetown Presbyterian Church. Surviving are: his parents; a brother, Taylor Glazier; a sister, Mary Glazier; and maternal grandparents, George and Mary Mills, all of Pawley's Island. Funeral services will be Wednesday, August 27, 2008, at four o'clock in the Georgetown Presbyterian Church. Officiating will be the Rev. Stephen H. Wilkins. The family will receive friends at the Georgetown Chapel of Mayer Funeral Home Tuesday evening, August 26, 2008, from six until eight o'clock.”

Regardless of the reason for his suicide, it has brought an energy to the past week that both saturates and drifts by. When a young person dies, especially by suicide, there is a shock to the systems of ordinary life. People don’t know what to say, and they want to do something. We found out at a little after midnight on Saturday and the amount of grief within a matter of moments was outstanding. Max’s death has forced me to first look at the way we grieve, what does it say about our culture? People who had never met Max stood crying and handing tissues to those who knew Max very well and spent hours and hours a day with him trying to wrap their brains around his big ideas. Second, his death has reminded us of the hope that there is. The joy to the smallest parts of life and the aliveness around us, in everything. We, singular, are happy and sad all together at once. Happy to be alive.

We will write more soon.

love, jessieh

An Update of Sorts

A small list.

1.Today I made a decision to do a piece from "The Wake of Jamey Foster" by Beth Henley, Character: Collard for monologue night. This decision may change. 9.We went shopping today for clothes. It was not a terrible experience, difficult and triggered a small amount of self hatred but comparatively speaking, it was not terrible. We found two skirts, a nice top, a wonderful black sweater and a pair of beautiful shoes.7. Tissue damage is not an effective coping mechanism.

1. School begins on Sunday.
2. When people say that my name should be something else because of spiritual reasons, I want to choke them. Actually, these people do not need to be choked. They need to be forced to sit on an insanely hot curling iron, or on a wooden plank with nails and have a very very loud recording screaming the other name as loud as it could possibly scream. I don't think God would have any problem with their decision to change their name. I think people who don't understand these things and allow their religious load of crap to interfere with their ability to understand the pain of other people need to be removed from positions of leadership-but that's just my personal opinion. And it basically sums up to this: If you don't have the ability to understand the reasons people change their names- you don't need to be in any position of authority. And even more basically it sums up to this: HUMANS ARE NOT TO JUDGE THE SPIRITUAL CONDITIONS OF OTHER HUMANS. Case ended. (Thanks Mr. K though, for your personal assessment of my spiritual condition based on my decision to go by another name--how gross.)
3. We are trying not to focus too much energy on food and weight.
4. We have been here and not here far to much recently.
5. Jenny is in Italy. She called yesterday.
6. I am worried about the day that Meryl Streep dies.
7. Tonight I am going to map out the best situation as furniture placement in the room. I no longer have a roommate.
8. Last night, someone decided to draw a sea horse and didn't even know it was a sea horse.
9. Ms.Hepburn, Taylor, Savannah and I went shopping on Yesterday after Therapy Session Number One.
10. We survived a physical for school, the doctor was a very nice woman named Diane, she has a bright smile and a fun accent. I was able to answer all of her questions and she did not frighten me.
11. Levels of anxiety have been out the roof, which is the main reason why I have been unable to write, I know not what to say, I live much of my time away.
12. The stomach hurts.
13. Children everywhere are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
14. God is more than love and does not take vacations.
15. My heart is filled with gratitude every day.

I too, watched the mushroom cloud the whole way home that day

I will write more soon.

love, jessieh

"And then Mary cries and runs off, kicking Ana on her way back to the trees"

The title of this post is an explanation for how my brain has been working for the past few weeks. I feel that an update, a very short general one is in order. We have read three plays recently to include, Necessary Targets by Eve Ensler, The Wake of Jamey Foster by Beth Henley and Love-lies-Bleeding by Don DeLillo. I am finding out how much I appreciate the song, "Fast as You Can" by Fiona Apple. Jenny is safely in Italy. God loves. My hunk of magical kitty cat goodness, named Lloyd was able to see Paris from the 'Pet's Only' part of the plane. Winston is equally excited about it. The opening of the coffee shop has been smooth and steady. We have been writing a lot. I have been incredibly emotional. I am anxious about school and monologues and not meeting the teacher's expectation's in someway or something. I have a roomate now for next year, her name is Danielle. She is a dancer. Sam turned 18. I leave on Wednesday to go back to South Carolina. I am on a detox diet. I want to at least feel thinner by the time school starts. Children everywhere are being hurt in unimaginable ways. I know the above is not very interesting but I am having a hard time using words today- it is increasingly difficult to communicate things. When people are broken, they could just melt. I feel like melting sometimes. God is a God of Grace and Grace is enough.

I will write more soon.

love, jessieh

A long long time ago, your mother should know

if we look, there is no remembering what we are looking at

June Cleaver and Cheeseburgers.

love, jessieh

the first conversation we've had in what seems like a long long time, phone call aftermath

Last night, a little after ten here, I had what seems to be one of the only full and complete conversations I've had in the past couple of weeks. Time has been a funny, not ha-ha, but strange thing for us recently and working as a system of thoughts, rather than separate-individuals seems like it will never be possible. My artsy-constellation and I had a phone date, that was interrupted by
three other phone calls,
one dead cell phone battery,
a desire to drink a huge cup of ice cold diet coke,
a thought of the condition and discrimination of the homosexual in America,
a long series of thoughts regarding the condition of the child in America,
six monologues; none of which are even appropriate for me to memorize for school in less than a month,
this huge huge blanket of pictures of Jenny getting on a train to see a piece of art she's been wanting to see for years if she ever needs to run away while in Italy,
the realization that parts of both of us have been wondering how she is going to do this; while part of me is writing about it in a library with the sun hitting her face 14 hours earlier,
one-almost panic attack in a parking lot,
and the constant inner-chatter of a group of females ranging in age from four to forty-six.

Welcome to our life.

After the phone call, which somehow ended up being huge-crying-mess about our (singular) hypothetical fears for the future, that are really not so much hypothetical fears as they are giant concerns about past events- I hung up really wishing that I had let her do most of the talking, and feeling like a non-supportive friend- but then I realized that we (plural) did talk, and that I just felt like I talked the most because I haven't really been talking the past few days.

But it all sums up to this, in the end anyway:
She is moving to Italy in less than six days. She is taking her cats with her and will not be out of touch. On the scale of things dealt with in life, she will be able to accomplish all things.

I am going back to school in less than 25 days. I will have four contrasting monologues, two classical, two contemporary memorized before I go back and will be at least 11 pounds lighter than I am right now. And on the scale of these, seemingly very small problems I seem to be having, there is a conclusive fact that I realize about everything :

It would be so much nicer if this whole thing were about her giant, bold, brave move to Italy and my finding 3-5 minute stage worthy pieces so that my instructors are not completely disappointed in me. It is about so much more. We will both keep living. It's the most important thing. We will both be more-than-knowing in a way we wish we didn't have to know what F.Scott Fitzgerald meant when he said, ""So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

love, we