46 things to be said. (Focus. Non-Sense.)

The Good and Bad

1. Jesus loves everyone.

2. I am in Columbia now. Away from school and while the break is refreshing, I see time as a big thing that frightens me. I don't know what to do with myself. I am still so tired and I find it hard to sit still.

3. I miss my roommate, Sam.

4. Patrick is coming to visit the family January 3-5. Granny is going to make him chicken and cheese croissants with cream and chicken soup. He will enjoy it, I'm sure.

5. Tonight, we are attending a Christmas festivity at my uncles house.

6. I wish I could attend church tonight with the twins but my guilt over not being at my uncle's house and the attitudes of accusing selfishness would be too bothersome. I surrender.

7. I spent last night with my twins and it was incredible. The eyes were holding tears back. I will spend Christmas day with them which is exciting.

8. Anxiety plagues me.

9. Star Dust is a fun movie.

10. I'd like to sleep for a long long long long time but feel unable.

11. Christmas hurts.

12. Jenny, I love you.

13. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

14. Lucy, oh Lucy? Where art thou angel of Chicora Lucy?

15. My stomach hurts and I feel fat. Obese, really.

16. There is a sadness here, in this list.

17. I'd like to burn the fiberoptic Christmas Tree in my grandmother's living room.

18. She has wooden floors now.

19. We draw a lot.

20. Evaluations went well at school. They didn't make me cry until the very end and the tears were happy tears.

21. The combination of relatively high-IQ, high levels of emotional sensitivity, being aware, and a history of chronic sexual abuse, rape = a young woman in need of a low quantity of Prozac and some sleeping pills.

22. Reading the book, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I've been crying since page seven.

23. I have yet to purchase Christmas gifts for anyone other than my Acting Instructors.

24. Someone said a broken heart would sting at first then make you stronger- whoever said that, they lied. It isn't the brokenness that makes you strong, it is the sting.

25. You need to visit Dooce.com.

26. Sharon Olds' poetry soothes the heart and reassures the brain.

27. My grandfather hasn't spoken to me in two weeks.

28. Thank you Vivian, Diane, S., Jenny, Angela, Brenda, K.F. and Amy. I love you.

29. Thank you Taylor, Savannah, Jordan, and Jordan. I love you.

30. Thank you Mere and Sigmund. I love you.

31. "Live or die but don't ruin everything." -Anne Sexton

32. I wish you well on the way to the wishing well.

33. The stomach hurts.

34. Never refuse homemade lemonade.

35. Donate a coat this season.

36. If you need a calender, please purchase this one: The Artconstellation Calendar

37. "May you dream you are dreaming in a warm soft bed, and may the voices inside you that fill you with dread make the sound of thousands of angels instead, tonight where you might be laying your head..." -Patty Griffin

38. We are tired. The image at the top of the page is a Mark Manders drawing and at the bottom a photograph by Chpaquette.

39. I have 9 missed calls on my cell phone.

40. Ms. Hepburn, we love you.

41. Yard Guy called yesterday and asked if I would spend time with him today, I said yes. He said he would call. He never did. I have been stood-up for the past 13 years of my life. That's disgusting.

42. I want to attend Julliard or Wellesley College.

43. I have yet to take the SAT.

44. The events from that night have no chronological order.

45. Merry Christmas.

46. Happy Holidays.

love, jessieh

The future marriageship and nightmare story # 57,622,789

and while I was away at the mountains enjoying a beautiful day... (From Marcella Chester at Abyss2Hope.blogspot.com) Officially, the 19-year-old Saudi woman, who was raped 14 times by 7 men later found guilty of rape, was sentenced for being alone with a man who wasn't a relative of hers, but the reality is that the punishment was a direct result of her daring to report rape. And the rape looks to be a direct result of rapists discovering that she was breaking Saudi law.
The judge who imposed this sentence would likely say that she was asking for it and that what happened to her is the reason for the law and the reason the law must be enforced even when the criminal turns into a crime victim.
The US is not immune to injustice against rape victims. We have rape called theft of services and many citizens don't think twice about slandering half the population by talking about women's inherent dishonesty when it comes to rape accusations.
What I want to know is whether the man this rape victim was with when they were abducted was also given the same sentence. If it is a crime for a woman to be alone with a male non-relative it should be an equal crime for a man to be alone with a female non-relative.
When men refuse to be as accountable as they expect women to be they don't make themselves look like good men.

love, jessieh

Focus

the bad:

1. Children all over this free country are being tortured.

2. I am an idiot, therefore, I have misplaced my cellphone and I forgot to wear sunscreen today.

3. Ms.Hepburn and I are not on the same floor for Governor's School.

4. I will more than likely not be able to continue therapy while away at school.

5. The throat hurts.

6. I feel fat.

7. I still haven't mailed off my Governor's School forms that were due on the 13th of July. I'm not overly-concerned about missing the requested deadline. I feel bad about it but I am working on it.

8. I dreamt last night that Sharon Olds died today. To my knowledge, she didn't.

9. The stomach hurts.

the good:

1. Jesus loves everyone.

2. Ms.Hepburn likes Ani DiFranco.

3. We are going to Greenville tomorrow. This is going to be good.

4. We will get to see our Discovery Instructors and I may even tell Castor how much her class inspired me.

5. The twins survived last night with my Grandmother.

6. I went to Charleston today. It was beautiful.

7. I've lost four pounds.

8. My roomate for Governor's School is Sam Orr. She is incredible.

9. I am shaving the legs tomorrow.

10. I worked out extra long today.

11. This list, will always be longer than the previous one.

---

I had nothing to do with the below:

I am, frankly, rather frustrated with the fact that every time I lose something rather insignificant; keys, cellphones, watches (that I don't wear anymore because I can't keep one), an ink pen I really liked- When I realize that the insignificant 'it' is missing, I literally and honestly think I would be better off dead and count the reasons I should (and really want to) stay alive.

This is a problem. A BIG problem.
I promise to write more soon.

love, jessieh

Focus.

Reader's Note: Please notice the other entries entitled 'Focus.' from the blog archive in the panel located on the right-hand side of the page. In comparison, the following will seem rather insignificant.

The Bad
1. Children all over this free country are being tortured.
2. I was tempted to write 'innocent' children, but have avoided ever using the term 'innocent' in reference to children, it would imply that some children are not innocent. This however, is not the case. When referring to children, innocence is implied.
3. I have been having a terrible time sleeping, therefore, staying awake is getting harder.
4. I am losing time.

The Good
1. I am with the twins. I always feel safer with the twins.
2. April's Law Petition has recieved more and more signatures.
3. I've been reading this blog -> (dooce.com). It's pretty interesting.
4. We are ordering my required textbooks this week.
5. I have been given a box filled with school supplies from a woman who just threw the box in her basement and told my friend to 'get rid of it'. Gladly.
6. Jesus loves everyone.

7. The Twins are teaching me Korean and I like it. :)
8. This list is shorter than the bad, and will probably be getting longer.

and this is always nice...


love, jessieh