Nerving the stomach.

Today marks the beginning of exam day. I have a French exam that I have not prepared for in appoximately one hour. I am not going to prepare for it. I spent nine hours yesterday in English-exam limbo. I took the English exam this morning and did well. I am a nervous wreck. For gentle and not so gentle reasons.

The gentle reasons:

I have exams all week. French is going to be disgustingly terrible. I looked at the study guide and my brain said, "Qu'est-ce what?" I gave up.

Tonight Studio III performs our scene showcase. I am so scared. I am terrified. And excited. Terribly excited about this. I know that we will feel so good as soon as it is over. As bad as it may go, I mean, worst possible outcome, it will still be much better than it would have been three months ago and this shows growth.

The not-so-gentle reasons

It is less than ten days until Christmas.

I leave for Columbia on Thursday. I am nervous about going home.

I feel disconnected, completely disconnected from the world around me right now.

The Good:

Jesus loves everyone.

Mere and the twins and a very special lady are coming to see the showcase tonight. It will be nice to see them all.

I was able to reconnect with someone who I have been trying to communicate with for nearly six years. The reconnection was a God-ordained one.

The Bad:

I am not hungry ever.

I am not studying for the French Exam. It scares me to much.

love, jessieh

An update from the speakers after all this time.

An update from the speakers:

It has been quite some time since I have actually taken the time to write. Now it seems as though I haven't any idea what to write. Life has been incredibly busy. I am in a scene from James McLure's Laundry and Bourbon, Ms. Hepburn in one of my scene partners, which is exciting. We do not feel that we have really been able to perform the escence of the scene yet and this is disapointing. I dissapoint myself often. The self-esteem is at an alltime low. Thankfully, after over a year of psychotherapy I am able to cope with this more effectively. I can't imagine how many scars there would be on the stomach this year, or how many operations I would have had performed on the esophagus. Self-mutilation and purging are not two examples of healthy coping skills. Every day, I want to throw up my food. By Grace, we do not. School is going by very very fast. really starting to enjoy the modern dance class, pulled the chemistry grade up, failed the last english test, learning to take more and more risks in acting, I am started to feel things, in life and onstage and this excites me. I want more than anything to be able to connect with people and ideas in a way that I haven't been able to before. I also hope to continue organizing things in a way that will allow me to learn so much about the world around me.

This holiday season has been incredibly painful. Most days I spend talking to myself and reminded myself of who I am, and where I am, and what is going on around me. I lose time alot. I forget things often. I spend time in another world, a better place many days and I don't know what happens when I am away there. This is part of living during Christmas. I am fearful that I will not get to spend time with the people I love this year for some horrific reason, yet the logical, the most logical part of my mind that exists tells me that I will.

I am grateful for the love in my life. I am thankful for the life I have and I am sad, very sad everyday.

love, jessieh

"We are the green leaves on December trees."

-Ms.Hepburn, Jessieh, Mary, and Ana