If you could see this room. (Plans for the soon future)

It is move out time.

The year has gone so fast.

I'm packing up all of my belongings and it is an overwhelming task.
I do not want to leave and moving out assists in my fears that for whatever reason I will not be back, I worry sometimes that I will die over the summer or lose the sanity I have left. These are fears not to be taken so seriously by myself the way I fear screwing up in tap class. Tap class produces feelings of panic so high that I want to throw my tap shoe through the glass studio windows and jump out. I would never do this, of course but the thought comes easily when everyone around me continues practicing their tap combinations at completely different rates so all the tap shoes are clanking in every which way and all that noise, dear God, I hate that noise.

I never realized how afraid of that sound I am, no known reason why, just am.

I've been here and not here for this past week.

Sam and I performed the Roe v. Wade production. We received a standing ovation. People were proud, and excited. The feedback we've received has been comforting and reminds me of why we decided to embrace this controversial topic to begin with. The project is hereby over for now. We may be editing and doing something bigger with it over the summer. I need to find a job, the only problem is I WILL NOT WORK WITH FOOD. That would not be healthy for me. NO WORKING WITH FOOD OR CONSTRUCTION because the smell of construction job sites makes me want to vomit. I hope to visit Jenny in the early part of June. I need to obtain my driver's license. I have yet to do that, I know. I know.

Scenes were performed on Thursday and Friday night. Thursday's performance was much better than Friday's. All of us (the actors) seemed much more focused on listening to each other on Thursday night. Granted there were a few distractions; A LOUD OBNOXIOUS TWO YEAR OLD CRYING, a whole row of ADHD adults who forgot their medication squirming, and people walking in and out of the theatre during the middle of some one's scene.

Thursday night Mere and Aunt Pam and my twins and Jordan came to see it. They are so beautiful, brought beautiful flowers and yummy white chocolate I couldn't eat because it had almonds in it. It was so beautiful though, we went to dinner and then I felt horrible because at dinner my sisters and I didn't really talk much. Mere and I did; which was wonderful and I needed to talk to someone, I've felt so far away from people recently. The twins seemed tired and like they didn't have much to talk about. We don't talk about their school because they hate school. We talked about movies that are coming out but I don't know the up and coming movies. We talk about books but the only book I've been reading the past four weeks in Angels in America: Part One and Two, and trying to explain why I am so compelled by that work is like trying to justify getting stoned out of my mind, driving to Texas, adopting a seven year old, binging on 14 cheeseburgers and then driving back home to introduce the seven year old to my family who is trying to figure out how they are going to afford to send me to school. So, obviously I did not discuss Angels in America. So I talked about school and the year end most of the time and I know THEY MUST GET TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT SCHOOL but I CANNOT HELP IT. I LIVE AT SCHOOL, MOST, STRIKE THAT, ALL OF MY "SOCIAL" LIFE INCLUDES MY STUDIO MEMBERS WHO I SPEND EVERYDAY ALL DAY IN CLASS WITH. Anyway, it is something that concerns me and IfeellikeabadfriendwhenIcanbringnothingmoretothetableofconversationbutthenirealizethattheywillstilllovemeanywayandtheworldisnotgoingtoendsimplybecauseiamcanthinkofnothingmoretodiscuss.

Then on Friday night I had a rather large group of supporters. My Grandeddy and sister Jourdan came. My dear mentors and friends Amy and K.F. came. That was exciting. The two Lindas, both working on behalf of child abuse prevention and understanding came, brought their friend Cheryl. That was nice. They seemed very impressed by the work.

Amy said something that was really encouraging and still is, especially with evaluations approaching, she said: Ya know, at the end we couldn't believe what had just happened, we just sat there in our chairs for a few minutes in awe of what had been done.

It was a special night. I am going to miss working with Jason, as hard headed as he can be sometimes. I am going to mis- No. Save the missings for Wednesday when I have to leave. For now I must go pack.

Yesterday Ms.Hepburn and I went to Pat's (Patrick) house to paint. We repainted his bedroom, from salmon pink to robin's egg blue. The whole room. It was exhausting but semi-relaxing, all that light blue. Then I had my first Sushi experience and it was very tasty, left me with warm fuzzy feelings.

Then we met members of Studio III and Studio IV at a sports grill downtown, sat with them. I don't remember the conversations really. I was in and out. At some point we ended up at the school's courtyard where a dance was going on, a DJ was there. Nothing too thrilling though. Danced for 15 or 20 minutes and then headed back to the destroyed room. It is disgusting. There is barely room to walk in here, both Sam and I are in that stage of packing with everything must be destroyed before it can be clean again. I'm worried I'm not going to have enough boxes. I should have had Mere or Grandeddy bring me some more. Such as life.

Then a terrible series of brain malfunctions occurred; I have little memory of each. Flashbacks, panic attacks, sweaty hands and dead feet. I didn't feel it would be smart to stay in the room by myself so I went to Ms.Hepburn's room and talked about relationship issues and listened to Thomas Dybdahl and did some hardcore reminiscing. I crawled in Lindsay's bed (her roommate, who was originally scheduled to be my roommate but it wasn't organized that way for whatever reason). She wasn't there, she was at home. Lindsay got her first tattoo yesterday. We are all really happy for her, she's been wanting one for a long time. She designed it herself. We will get to see it this afternoon. For next year I am going to make more of an effort to spend more time with Lindsay because she is such a beautiful, fun, outgoing person with a lot of talent and kindness to offer the world. I fell asleep later in Ms.Hepburn's arms to the sound of music. It was nice. I woke up though hours later confused and in nightmare aftermath. Such as life.

I am very hard on myself some days and want everything to be all better but then I breathe and step back and look at how far Grace has brought me and this whole healing journey that I'm on- which believe me if anyone has a problem with phrases like "healing journey" it's me- but I cannot deny what it is. When I look at all of this I realize that I am coping the best ways I can and it is not going to be all better over night and I just need to live moment by moment but-

for now, in this moment I need to clean and pack.

I have two finals tomorrow; one in French and one in Tap. I am equally terrified of the two.

Remember three things today:

1.) God loves.

2.) Children all over the world are being hurt in unimaginable ways.

3.) "So it goes."

and we beat on, praying for the innocents.

love, jessieh

Fool for Love (Scenes for the Spring)!

Right now, I cannot contain my excitement. My dear friend Ms.Hepburn and I are rejoicing. We both were assigned incredible scenes that will be so much fun to work on for the Spring. Our focus is transformation and getting out of our comfort zone. Ms.Hepburn was assigned a scene from Danny and the Deep Blue Sea by John Patrick Shanley, the character Roberta and I was assigned a scene from Fool for Love by Sam Shepard, the character May. My scene partner is, ironically enough, Ms.Hepburn's boyfriend, and my good friend, Jason (the character Eddie). The enthusiasm I feel is slightly overwhelming so for now I am just going to leave the last bit of stage directions and the last line from the scene-

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From Fool for Love by Sam Shepard-

(He closes door. They stand there facing each other for a while. She crosses slowly to him. She stops. He takes a few steps toward her. Stops. They both move closer. Stop. Pause as they look at each other. They embrace. Long, tender kiss. They are very soft with each other. She pulls away from him slightly. Smiles. She looks him straight in the eyes, then suddenly knees him in the groin with tremendous force. Eddie doubles over and drops like a rock. She stands over him. Pause.)

MAY: You can take it, right. You're a stunt man.

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love, jessieh

Focus. An update of sorts.

This weekend I began the dreadful task of spring cleaning for the dorm room. I know that it is still February but the longer I ignore this fact, the better I will feel. All of my stuff from the past semester is piled on my bed, and my room looks like the aftermath of a hurricane. It is rather terrifying. I almost had to put a disclaimer on my door in case people decided they wanted to enter the caution zone.

In other news: Last week I had to perform "Toxic" by Britney Spears. The Studio had to vote on a celebrity that is the direct antithesis for what you represent. They chose Britney Spears for me because they believe that I am nothing like her in any way and they wanted to see me adapt her physical life for an acting excercise. I prepared diligently and must say that I believe my studio members were throughly surprised to see me dressed in Britney dress, which basically means underwear, and dance in Britney's style, which basically resembles a striper's dance. The experience was incredibly humbeling and I have more respect now for music artists who can lip-sync and shake their butt at the same time. It is a fairly difficult task. I never thought I would have sympathy for Britney Spears but I do. It's scary what has happened to her.

Patrick and I went out for Valentine's Day. I'm still working on the never-ending play about Roe V. Wade and Abortion. It's coming along slowly but surely.Winter Formal was last night. I've never been one to spend an hour or two getting all dolled up for a dance. In fact, I wasn't going to go. Ms.Hepburn and I were going to stay in, eat our extra large Papa John's cheese pizza and watch Farrah Fawcett in a really terrible film-version of Extremities. When we announced to our studio mates that we would not be attending the winter formal dance they were very upset. we did not move in our ground. we were not going to do it. we were not going to waste our time getting dressed up only to feel self-conscious and ugly for a few hours. it wasn't until i had recieved our pizza and walked into Ms.Hepburn's room that out fell the words, "We could surprise everyone and show up." She looked at me and smiled and then we both realized how much fun that could potentially be. I set the pizza down, she logged off her computer and we immediately started undressing and trying on the dresses in her closet. Everyone was surprised, they screamed when they saw us and the dance wasn't exactly miserable. The look on their faces made feeling ugly for two hours totally worth it.

Today, I am back to early-spring cleaning. I must memorize an older monologue from The Children's Hour and write play journals. I am nervous about next week and I am not sure as to why. My stomach has been hurting for the past few days and the noise in my brain keeps me on edge. My dear friend will be returning from Italy soon. I am excited about this. Today is going by too quickly.

love, jessieh

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Funniness from when Sam and I pulled an all-nighter:

Sam: Are we even roomates, that's what I wanna' know?

Jessieh: No baby, we're soul mates.

A beautiful woman named Lucy

Tonight, while I was at dinner, I met this incredible woman. Her name is Lucy. She is beautiful. I will write more about her once I am given permission to do so.


Love, jessieh

PS: and we were having one of the worst days of our lives until she showed up.

The future marriageship and nightmare story # 57,622,789

and while I was away at the mountains enjoying a beautiful day... (From Marcella Chester at Abyss2Hope.blogspot.com) Officially, the 19-year-old Saudi woman, who was raped 14 times by 7 men later found guilty of rape, was sentenced for being alone with a man who wasn't a relative of hers, but the reality is that the punishment was a direct result of her daring to report rape. And the rape looks to be a direct result of rapists discovering that she was breaking Saudi law.
The judge who imposed this sentence would likely say that she was asking for it and that what happened to her is the reason for the law and the reason the law must be enforced even when the criminal turns into a crime victim.
The US is not immune to injustice against rape victims. We have rape called theft of services and many citizens don't think twice about slandering half the population by talking about women's inherent dishonesty when it comes to rape accusations.
What I want to know is whether the man this rape victim was with when they were abducted was also given the same sentence. If it is a crime for a woman to be alone with a male non-relative it should be an equal crime for a man to be alone with a female non-relative.
When men refuse to be as accountable as they expect women to be they don't make themselves look like good men.

love, jessieh

Her first Halloween

Esmerelda and Agnes of God With the Magical Waldo
Esmerelda and Sister Twister
and the grand appearance of Mr. Tromsness and Mr. Murray

and guess what: WOMEN OF LOCKERBIE OPENS TONIGHT!

love, jessieh

Time off, not out

(and the girl in the picture is the beautiful roomate)

Theatre History was cancelled which partly saddens me because I enjoy Theatre History but missing it tonight also makes me very very happy because I have so much stuff to do. I am slightly behind in most my classes and this troubles me.

I was assigned a monologue today from The Children's Hour by Lilian Hellman.

I am excited about it.

I read an article this morning about a kid in the UK who can only eat 6 foods.

I need to go do work.

We have therapy on Thursday and Monday morning.

When we get angry, we shall return.

love, we.

PS:

(and approx. 2 months ago, it was the three of us, I on the end with pineapple in hand)

The day's events, event, what it was.

8:54, just breathed out at the end of Studio 4 monologue performance.

Studio 4 is incredible. I survived the conditioning class today. At one point the instructor asked us to perform a stretch for our back in which we eventually wind up with our toes touching the floor behind our heads and our faces directly in between our legs.

My body does not do this properly, it will not even consider it.

I have to read 40 pages tonight. Ms.Hepburn and I plan on reading it to each other aloud.

I will write more soon, I will not be neglecting this space. I may be incredibly boring with the events in my life right now because for awhile at least, I will be busy to the point of exhaustion busy and will be functioning on 3 to 4 hours of sleep, and rubbery eggs.

and a note for the evening: eating disorders never leave.

love, jessieh

Preliminary Requirements (for hell)

Went shopping Saturday for 'all-things-Governor's School'. It was eventful to say the least and upon the purchase of four pairs of dance shoes, I considered the brief thought of running toward the nearest bridge and jumping off.

I AM NOT A DANCER.

Dancing requires mind-body connections. I have been spending my whole life finding ways to avoid those. I am terrified.

l o v e , jessieh