we often wonder if anyone in my family ever reads my blog. i doubt it because the few times we have shared it with them, they have seemed a little less than interested. today, i got a voicemail from my mother. I haven't gotten a voicemail or a phone call from my mother in a long long long long time. It was stunning. It was quite obvious that she hasn't left a voicemail for me in an even longer time. She didn't even know what to say or how to say it; it was filled with many "ums" and "uhs" and then a really awkward remark about how they didn't miss me. I am still kind of stunned by it because for the first time I am taking a stand and saying, "No. I don't want to live this way, I don't want to be part of such an unhealthy family for the rest of my life." And now she calls. It's slightly upsetting because I was away at school for a year and will be returning soon. The entire time I was at school my parents contacted me maybe, maybe four times. I received more encouragement and excitement from strangers than I did from some of my family members. I am making a lot of choices and decisions right now and some of them are very difficult, I mean it is weird, calling up your family and saying, "Hey, I'm moving out soon, will you still sign my papers for school?" and not only do you get the response of cooperation, of "yes, I will sign them." but it is, "Yes. I will sign your papers, do you need help with the boxes?". I was a little frazzled by this response, just a little-really not that much, it was more like a stunned weirdness than anything else; I was a little bit upset. I don't really know why though. Then after talking about it and over it, we came to a conclusion; I mean IT IS A GOOD THING THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO HELP ME, and while it may be A LITTLE WEIRD that they aren't trying to fight me on this, I mean I didn't want them to fight me, I prayed that God would guide this process and I mean the less confusion the better. It would be mass-confusion if they didn't want to sign my papers, if they didn't offer to help me move. It is a good thing and it is what I really wanted. I wanted them to help me, because it makes things easier and there is nothing confusing about having a family who says, "Here, let me help you leave." But there is something sort of odd and painful about it but I guess that's typical behavior given the fact that it is all so dysfunctional anyway. As much as I don't want to admit it, any help they can offer me is going to be greatly appreciated. We have so much to figure out and we are trying not to worry or be anxious about any of this stuff, there is so much more to focus on in the next month.
Jenny leaves tomorrow. We are in complete denial. We don't want her to leave. She tried on wedding dresses today. It was so beautiful. She was in bed on Monday and Tuesday, sick with a flu she caught from two carrier monkeys on the flight out here. She flew in last Friday,on a very small-very-Mid-Western airline where instead of offering pretzels and the complimentary snack, the flight attendant came by with a tub of individually wrapped cheeseburgers. She declined and was then contaminated by the two little boy-human-carrier monkeys sitting beside her. So, two full days of her four full days with us, she was in bed and we didn't get much work on the mural done, so now I am going to be finishing it when she returns. I am a little intimidated by this task but I'm sure it will work out.
I will write more and post pictures soon.
love, jessieh
