to the readers:

I do not know what to write about.

I miss Jenny. She is away in Italy.

I miss the twins. They light up the world.

Today was orientation day. It was nice to see the rising students, one of whom is going to be our roommate next year. Her name is Jessika. She's quite talented.

Right now, I should be writing an essay on the meaning of Stanislaski's life. Some people spell it "Stanislavsky". I should also be lesson-planning for a 34 year old woman named May who lives in a motel located on the edge of Las Vegas.

Instead I am stopping here to make a list of happenings.

I am terrified about next year. Therapy went well on Friday. I babysit a six year old tomorrow morning. I am excited, I love children. Most people don't think I'd be good with kids because of my slightly cynical nature but I really love small children. They are so creative.

Being around kids is sometimes hard for me and I feel like I am challenging myself every time I spend time with them. Sometimes I feel really depressed after watching a child be a child. But it is a very beautiful experience, they just do kid things, play pretend and run around and become horses and lions and dogs and they ask you to be the dog catcher and you can show them card tricks and they don't even try to figure it out, they just revel in the magic of it. Without hesitation or questions.

Tomorrow, Sam and I show the film "Searching for Angela Shelton" and lead a discussion about it. I'm really excited and I hope people show up. We went on the awareness walk on Wednesday. It was nice and personal and small group, and the girls from my Studio tagged along so I am hoping it meant something to them as well. We gave our acting instructor a sexual violence awareness ribbon and he put it on proudly. An advocate from the local rape crisis center is also coming to speak tomorrow night.

My wisdom teeth are coming in and I am finding it hard to avoid my strong temptation to pull them out with pliers. I am still trying to lose weight. I still haven't completed the cover for Journal # 2800.

Our seniors are in a workshop production of Thorton Wilder's Our Town. It is very politically motivated and fresh which makes it so much more than a play about a small town. It's really become a play about many of the social concerns we experience today and it's powerful and I love it.

I'm listening to music right now and I feel relaxed and tired and good.

Scene work is going well. Showcase is May 16th and 17th. That's scary.

Sam and I still have to memorize the Roe v. Wade play.

We perform it on the 16th as well. I'm nervous and terrified.

The toenails are painted. Children everywhere are being abused in unimaginable ways. God loves.

love, jessieh

Fairytales for Children (well sort of)

Is fairytale a compound? Is compound even a word? Everything today and tomorrow and yesterday is feeling the way it feels when I literally grab a place on the ceiling to stare at and chant, "this is not happening" over and over again until whatever it is that is not happening ends. So much so that when I typed tomorrow, I was thinking of yesterday and when I typed yesterday I was thinking of tomorrow. I am tired. Exhausted, frankly and I feel like I have my monologues memorized, but not worked. When I work them, they feel as if they have already been worked and worked and don't want to be worked anymore. I am thanking God for everything wonderful that is happening. I am thanking God for everything not wonderful that is happening. I thank God for both the good and the awful of wonderful, and trust us, there are both goods and awfuls of wonderful. No one is answering the telephone. No one I am calling is answering their phones. I need you to answer your phone. Are you alive? The feet hurt except they don't belong so they can't hurt, but they do. I, plural, am a contradiction. Barnes and Noble doesn't sale Old's The Gold Cell. Bah, so guess what we do? We buy Sexton, because that's more than healthy and everything. Had that dream again last night. The one we had all week in the pink bedroom. Do you understand the process of being baptized? Yes. Yes. I do. And in Target we bump into three other students, if you count Ms.Hepburn who we didn't bump into. And I think: Where is the poetry? What are we, singular, doing? At the bank the woman asked, "So what are you? A dancer? An Artist?" and you choked and said, "Oh. I'm an actress." and it feels like Latin or something foreign on the tongue near saying, "Oh. I'm Female." or "I'm Caucasian" without the capitol letters. Vivian's husband joked about Twinkle Toes and we could have laughed too. It was a wonderful time of prayer and in the end everything was said to begin with.

love, we the people

"And I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart. "

-Jeremiah 24:7

PS: Thank you Meriluni

I don't know these speakers.

A bad game of Jeopardy

"and down by the river the fisherman try and weep for the women, as stones, thrown like ships into the sea."

---

"We are all good people, or at least we are born that way. I don't believe anyone is born with a 'badness' about them. I believe good people make bad choices, and thereby become subject to a certain amount of 'badness'. Stealing someone's parking spot is a level 0.000025 badness while raping a child, is somewhere near a level 989,984,328,978,999,973,309,799,845,759,847,213.98 badness. I think my accumulated level of 'badness' is somewhere between a 20-30 on the badness scale and these numbers mostly involve self-inflicted harm. "

---

"I know I am probably driving you insane with this 'oh my goodness we have got to get ready. we're late, we're late, Alice in wonderland' planning business but when you get this comment would you please give me a call. I hate leaving voice mails on telephones or I would have called you and I personally feel like I have called you too many times today, even though I've only called you once. So, because I am neurotic and have evidently inherited by Grandmother's OCD by way of genetics: Please call me. I have a few more questions."

---

"For a fleeting moment on Saturday, I considered killing myself. Be not concerned."

---

"Dad, they call it 'kidnapping' because it is kidnapping."

-

love, jessieh

Preliminary Requirements (for hell)

Went shopping Saturday for 'all-things-Governor's School'. It was eventful to say the least and upon the purchase of four pairs of dance shoes, I considered the brief thought of running toward the nearest bridge and jumping off.

I AM NOT A DANCER.

Dancing requires mind-body connections. I have been spending my whole life finding ways to avoid those. I am terrified.

l o v e , jessieh