probably wondering where we've been

I am trying not to document much of the "Oh, Jessieh is going to college next year" information here and until I am sure which school I am going to I do not want to write about college at all and to be quite frank college decisions and admissions things are taking up about 68% of my life right now, the other approximate 32% is consumed by the following:

• The Comedy of Errors, which opens on Shakespeare's birthday; April 23rd.
• Directing a scene-study from David Rabe's In the Boom Boom Room
• Directing a reading of a play I wrote called Page Numbers as a continuation to our (Sam and I) Humanities Project and as a benefit reading for RAINN
• Directing a reading of A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant and A Prayer as a benefit reading for V-DAY. Both Page Numbers and MMRP will be presented on the same night.
• Thinking about going to see Jenny on May 24th in Washington DC and almost jumping out of my skin with excitement.
• Being thrilled for her about the completion of the wall-drawing project.
• Trying to both win my school's science fair with my project on Dissociative Experiences and the Artistic Temperament and make straight As my last 9 weeks of school. I want to end with a bang!
• The Existential Crisis and Trusting In God.
• (Trying not to think about the Holocaust.)
• Struggling with food.
• Getting my beautiful little sister, Jordan (Jourdan), ready to go to prom with me in a few weeks.
• Trying to cope with the fact that my dress for Luciana in The Comedy of Errors does not have sleeves, meaning that my arms will show- which let me tell you- hasn't quite happened in a public manner in what seems to be years.
• Thinking about leaving my Studio in just 7 weeks.
• Missing Patty and looking forward to his return.
• Wanting to go to Bennington so badly but knowing that money will play a huge huge role in whether or not I can.
• Needing a vehicle and a job for summer, both of which seem to get in the way of each other. I can't get a job without a reliable way to and from work and I can't get a vehicle without having money from a job. Not to mention-the unemployment rate in SC is rising with each passing moment and last I checked it was almost 11% which is terrifying considering I will be 18 with no "real" work experience and fresh out of a high school that isn't exactly a high school. The other problem is we refuse to work around food. I cannot work with food. Ideally, I would love to be a receptionist or a book store clerk or work in a library or maybe even a department store but not food.

There is more, of course, and I will write more soon, very soon. The College decision will have to be made by May 1st.

love, jessieh

.ten/notes/of/the/evening.

1. This quote: (Roughly) "Eating disorders are not the real problem-people have much bigger problems and they are taking it out on their food."- Jenny (Artconstellation)
2. Two pairs of blue jeans were purchased on behalf of my body.
3. I AM NOW OFFICIALLY LEAVING FOR MINNESOTA ON JUNE 30TH. (PLEASE SEE COUNTDOWN CLOCK ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE SCREEN, RIGHT ABOVE THE MUSIC PLAYER THAT SAYS "MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIKE ANI DIFRANCO". CLICK ON THAT WHILE YOU ARE AT IT.) THE PLANE TICKET HAS BEEN PURCHASED AND WE ARE READY TO GO!
4. I'm working on something special starting tonight.
5. Thanks to a Ginger, I'm not only journaling in the most beautiful handmade journal in the world but I'm also learning (okay, so attempting to learn) how to use a camera and while I don't really know that much I do know that the smaller the number on the f-stop (? probablyscrewedthatup?), the more light that is allowed in.
6. I took a picture a year ago of this orange chair next to a tree on the property of the former state mental hospital. Every week when I would ride by, the orange chair was still their as if someone attended to its being there on a regular basis. Today was the first time I passed by and did not see it. I looked around and there was nothing. Drove another 9 feet, there it was placed facing away from the oak tree it sat under for so long and now every time there is an idle moment of "ohgod,coulditbethatwearenotthinkingfortwosec-NO!"- I hear two things, 1.) "YouareaBADperson." and 2.) "SOMEONE HAS BEEN SITTING IN THAT ORANGE CHAIR." I took another photograph of it today.
7. The above picture was taken on the night of scenes, also the night of the Roe v. Wade performance. Last night Sam (the beautiful creature on the right in the photo above) and I went to Waffle House. We colored together in our new sketchbooks/journals/hash brown-stained napkins. She brought a box of 120 crayons. That was nice and fun. We were re-introduced to a Vietnam Veteran named Ron who has schizophrenia, but spends his time doing handy jobs for local Pentecostal churches. He is very elderly and kind but I am afraid of him. We then traded sketchbooks, only to discover that on JUNE 9th we both wrote the exact same first lines in our sketchbooks and didn't even know it. That was a truly beautiful moment, we just kind of looked at each other and said, "I told you we were soul mates" with our eyes. We then continued on in the experience of waffle housing and discussed things not of an eternal matter. Then the discussion changed and there we were talking about the end of the world again over diet coke and coffee.
8. "They tell me I'm crazy, but you told me I'm Golden." was part of the first lines.
9. Children all over the world are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
10. God is love.

love, jessieh

Donation of the Uterus (and other parts)

love, jessieh

Anorexia, Bulimia, The Food Situation

Readers Note: I am not advocating eating disorders. I am not blaming eating disorders on people reading fashion magazines. I am discussing my own history with eating disorders, and my personal opinions surrounding them. If you are recovering from an eating disorder, I suggest you not read the following blog entry, for it will more than likely not contribute to your recovery. This blog is for my venting interest and I feel like venting right now, so you've had your warning. Feel free to proceed...

The past two days I have had this strange desire to deny myself food. It has been a want. There is something wrong with that. I am still eating though, I refuse to allow myself to stop eating. I have never been declared anorexic. I have been miss-diagnosed with bulimia and then re-diagnosed as a bulimic with anorexic tendencies. The most recent diagnosis is recovering bulimic with anorexic tendencies, e.d.n.o.s. That diagnosis came from a quack shrink in purple polyester pants, whom I have little a certain sense of humor towards.

My metabolism is shot. I can't lose weight even in a healthy fashion. My body doesn't allow it anymore. I'm fat, and my self esteem is crap but getting better.

How I feel about food and eating and disorders and the media and the recovery process.

I started purging when I was ten, of course, at the time I didn't know that I was purging. I just knew that the food didn't belong in my stomach, that it was bad, and it needed to come out. What I didn't know at the time was that the real reasons for my purging have never had anything to do with the food I've consumed. I've never really been a binge eater, that's why the diagnosis of bulimia was so off. I've typically speaking, just eaten normal amounts of food and then gone into a bathroom, or somewhere else, and puked. I have binged on several occasions, but I didn't do it alone and I didn't purge alone. I found it gross. It didn't make me feel light and in control when I binged. I only feel light and in control when I control how much I eat and I make it all come out of me.

To be honest, I haven't found anything that has made me feel the same way that purging did. I no longer purge because it has already caused me some serious health problems, and I want to be healthy. I want to live my life without feeling like a fraud. Throwing up your food, is a big secret to keep and I'm frankly just tired of secrets. Plus, I know now that it's not the food I've been trying to get rid of, it's a place of pain, and I know that that place of pain is not going away by me hurting myself. It just isn't. I could justify the act of purging in a way that would make the average person want to puke but it wouldn't make purging right. I am learning to do things and develop a passion for them so I can avoid seeking that drive from an eating disorder. My eating disorder has always 'fed' me. I say all of this to conclude, that I am learning to seek other things and I still have a daily battle with food, I'm just not acting on my desire to purge, and it's hasn't been acting on me. I want everyone who reads this to know that I want to purge every single time I eat, but I am making a conscious choice not to.

I'm not organized in my thinking, forgive me.

1. I'm a total hypocrite sometimes because A.) I hate that the movies about eating disorders are all lifetime movies. B.) I hate that they all portray ALL bulimics as freak animals raiding kitchen cabinets and locking themselves in closets with their incapable-of-actually-holding-all-that-food
amount of food in their arms. C.) In these lifetime movies, the bulimic never drinks anything in the midst of her binge. I have never met a bulimic who has consumed the amount of food presented in these movies without drinking plenty of water. It is dangerous to purge as a general statement, it is more dangerous to not binge before purging, it is certainly most dangerous to not drink anything with the food. A serious choking hazard. No one wants to die from their own puke. D.) Despite the fact that these lifetime movie specials really irritate me, I enjoy watching them, they make me feel stronger for some reason. I know, it's pretty pathetic.

2. This heavy amount of blame placed on the media for eating disorders is wrong. We are placing the blame in the wrong places. The media encourages people to be dangerously thin yes, but eating disorders are not REALLY about being thin. Eating disorders are an unhealthy venue for control (among other things) masqueraded by the desire to be thin. If I feel worthless and ugly after reading a beauty magazine, I was feeling that way before I read it. Seeing someone skinny in a magazine doesn't automatically develop a low self esteem, it just helps in the process. I think we need to focus on the other contributing factors to eating disorders. These other factors most often include childhood trauma (i.e. sexual or physical abuse), they include emotional and personality disorders, family pressures, and some believe genetics are involved. I'm not saying that we ignore the fact that the media does play a role, I am just suggesting we address the other issues at hand. I know that a magazine model had nothing to do with me puking up my Ramen noodles in a bag underneath my bed at ten years old. It just didn't.

3. There was initially something meant for three, but for now I'm going to give myself a rest and go grab a diet coke. I hope someone will comment.

4. If you or someone you know is battling an eating disorder and needs assistance I suggest you refer to the resource list provided by the National Eating Disorders Association at http://www.edap.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=384.


love, jessieh