What stumbling taught me (after therapy).

1. "I told a kid in kindergarten that candy canes were the bones of reject elves."

2. "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - (Jessica, age 8)

3. See feeling chart above.

4. My four new favorite words to describe touch and texture: polished, knobbed, grity, and biting.

5. All dogs go to heaven.

Sub-memories

"These were not memories. These were sub-memories. Images from a place beneath the waking world, deeper than a dream, a place where logic dissolved. It was beyond remembering. It was knowing." - Tim O'Brien, In The Lake Of The Woods

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{.thank you to Denis Darzacq for the clear explain-ation.}

.post-therapy madness.

love, jessieh

Image of Memory

love, jessieh

the art of packing at 3:51 am

I wouldn't be doing this had I attended my workout at scheduled this morning at the crack of dawn. If I had gotten up, rode with Sam to the torture zone, and been severly tired- I would not be up right not packing everything. I would be forcing myself to sleep again tonight. I have officially packed all items but : hair conditioner, AAA batteries, AA batteries, one jumprope, all black clothes, and all daily clothes. Everything else is ready to be loaded into the trailer and hauled almost two hours north. This is good. I am overwhelmed with the constant thought of "Wow, we are leaving in less than 48 hours."

Wonderful news: We have found a therapist. God has supplied a therapist within walking distance to the school I'm going to and she specializes in sexual trauma. This is all very good. I am scheduled to have the first appointment with her in the beginning of September. Tomorrow ,I have a follow-up eye doctor's appointment.

I am exhausted yet today was good.

About the autobiography.

love, jessieh

Donation of the Uterus (and other parts)

love, jessieh

Focus

the bad:

1. Children all over this free country are being tortured.

2. I am an idiot, therefore, I have misplaced my cellphone and I forgot to wear sunscreen today.

3. Ms.Hepburn and I are not on the same floor for Governor's School.

4. I will more than likely not be able to continue therapy while away at school.

5. The throat hurts.

6. I feel fat.

7. I still haven't mailed off my Governor's School forms that were due on the 13th of July. I'm not overly-concerned about missing the requested deadline. I feel bad about it but I am working on it.

8. I dreamt last night that Sharon Olds died today. To my knowledge, she didn't.

9. The stomach hurts.

the good:

1. Jesus loves everyone.

2. Ms.Hepburn likes Ani DiFranco.

3. We are going to Greenville tomorrow. This is going to be good.

4. We will get to see our Discovery Instructors and I may even tell Castor how much her class inspired me.

5. The twins survived last night with my Grandmother.

6. I went to Charleston today. It was beautiful.

7. I've lost four pounds.

8. My roomate for Governor's School is Sam Orr. She is incredible.

9. I am shaving the legs tomorrow.

10. I worked out extra long today.

11. This list, will always be longer than the previous one.

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I had nothing to do with the below:

I am, frankly, rather frustrated with the fact that every time I lose something rather insignificant; keys, cellphones, watches (that I don't wear anymore because I can't keep one), an ink pen I really liked- When I realize that the insignificant 'it' is missing, I literally and honestly think I would be better off dead and count the reasons I should (and really want to) stay alive.

This is a problem. A BIG problem.
I promise to write more soon.

love, jessieh