Painting Abortions tonight

today, we painted abortions, the image of them, on blank, colorless sheets of paper.

love, we

another lesson in sociology

i have a picture of the two of us somewhere.

her father died yesterday. he had cancer.

i cried for her. he was a bright star in her world.

i don't even really know her that well.

take care hilary, know you are in my prayers.

For Jenny on Thanksgiving. I couldn't leave a guest post for her. Server wouldn't let me.

love, jessieh

The future marriageship and nightmare story # 57,622,789

and while I was away at the mountains enjoying a beautiful day... (From Marcella Chester at Abyss2Hope.blogspot.com) Officially, the 19-year-old Saudi woman, who was raped 14 times by 7 men later found guilty of rape, was sentenced for being alone with a man who wasn't a relative of hers, but the reality is that the punishment was a direct result of her daring to report rape. And the rape looks to be a direct result of rapists discovering that she was breaking Saudi law.
The judge who imposed this sentence would likely say that she was asking for it and that what happened to her is the reason for the law and the reason the law must be enforced even when the criminal turns into a crime victim.
The US is not immune to injustice against rape victims. We have rape called theft of services and many citizens don't think twice about slandering half the population by talking about women's inherent dishonesty when it comes to rape accusations.
What I want to know is whether the man this rape victim was with when they were abducted was also given the same sentence. If it is a crime for a woman to be alone with a male non-relative it should be an equal crime for a man to be alone with a female non-relative.
When men refuse to be as accountable as they expect women to be they don't make themselves look like good men.

love, jessieh

A note about that word

this disconnected

The Ending of Lockerbie and what we did...

love, jessieh

The Social Worker and Mountain Man

Her first Halloween

Esmerelda and Agnes of God With the Magical Waldo
Esmerelda and Sister Twister
and the grand appearance of Mr. Tromsness and Mr. Murray

and guess what: WOMEN OF LOCKERBIE OPENS TONIGHT!

love, jessieh

The News I caught tonight

http://www.newsweek.com/id/57343?GT1=10450

love, jessieh

Time off, not out

(and the girl in the picture is the beautiful roomate)

Theatre History was cancelled which partly saddens me because I enjoy Theatre History but missing it tonight also makes me very very happy because I have so much stuff to do. I am slightly behind in most my classes and this troubles me.

I was assigned a monologue today from The Children's Hour by Lilian Hellman.

I am excited about it.

I read an article this morning about a kid in the UK who can only eat 6 foods.

I need to go do work.

We have therapy on Thursday and Monday morning.

When we get angry, we shall return.

love, we.

PS:

(and approx. 2 months ago, it was the three of us, I on the end with pineapple in hand)

Focus.

The Good

1. Jesus loves everyone.

2.One exciting piece of information that cannot be published.

3. Sam and I are able to do our National History Day Project on Roe V. Wade. We will hopefully be able to interview her sister, an attorney in Atlanta, which means a roadtrip.

4. Brenda and I will be going up to Asheville on the 27th to see Angela Shelton. I am so excited!

5. I have my glasses now which means I can take my contacts out.

6. I am enjoying nature.

7. School is an adventure.

8. Sam and I now have internet access in our dorm room.

9. I'm running out of time to think.

10. We purchased a Raggedy Anne doll in honor of the forward roll.

11. Wellsley visited on Saturday, discussed Early Decision options..

12. We are alive and well.

13. This list will always be longer.

The Bad

1. Children all over the world are suffering.

2. I have a Chemistry test tommorow.

3. Earlier this evening was dedicated to writing about Gerri Santoro. It's a sad story.

4. I had a slight nervous breakdown when I realized that while I am away at school, reclused away in my room or studio, children are still being tortured and there is still an insane amount of evil in this world.

5. I'm keeping a painful secret inside.

6. I'm not sleeping, still.

7. The Seasons are changing.

love, jessieh

Forward Roll

We can now do a forward roll. It is beautiful.
When I get more time. This coming weekend, I promise to write.
Reading the play Frozen, starting to explore IPA and speaking in Standard.
My roomate Sam, has had a really bad head cold for the past three days.
I haven't had more than four hours of sleep since I've been here and I am tired.
I will be putting a video on here shortly as well.
Of Sam and I from last night.
I've lost a total of 11 pounds since I've been here. I can't really tell.
I feel extremely fat everyday.
I met my new friend Kim in the park next to the school yesterday. It was nice.
We talked for a few hours and we surprisingly have alot in common.
I am making a 97 in math. I am struggling in French.

I have IPA homework to do.
I haven't seen the news since I've been here and I am afraid of what I might be missing.
We want to know what is happening and feel relieved to not see the nightly news and that frightens us. I have eight more minutes to write.

This feels strange.
I don't even know what to say.
I got mail today.
I loathe Ballet but am trying the best I can.
I miss the twins, and my little sister. I miss Mere.

I want a hug and it feels odd admitting this.
I think about purging alot. I'd like to keep my teeth, thanks.

We had a Humanities Lecture tonight that was required.
It was basically a synoposis of Theatre History for the Student Body.

Listening to Tori Amos' Icicle and it is lovely.

love, jessieh

yesterday was exhausting.
today, we ran for the cure.

love, jessieh

and if we had any time

we'd write...

but instead she sticks pictures that don't belong to her up here.

love, jessieh

(I will write tonight. Tonight. I will write.)

Image of Memory

love, jessieh

How I feel tonight: Lower than a dog

and for all the wrong reasons.

There have been many opportunities in my life for me to feel lower than a dog.

Right now though,

I am the angriest I have been in quite some time.

I am angry at the psychosis of the family I was born into.

and even Freud couldn't fix it.

the more than angry, but can't find a better word,

jessieh

PS: and sometimes I wonder why I even care about people to begin with, why I love. I just can't help myself. Or maybe I somehow like the idea of self-punishment. That must be it. I like feeling like crap. Exactly.

I can't think I'm so mad and I don't want to stop writing because I don't know what my other choices of coping mechanisms are right at the moment because I am not being rational and logical and

the end has to come somewhere.

off to the bathroom. to lock myself in it to think.

(no positive connotation implied)

For those who keep up with time.

I have 300+ pages of homework or something.

I'm exhausted.

Here's to:

Jenny Holzer

and a sleep.

love, jessieh

always so about everything.

Reader's Note: I apologize for being so busy. My schedule doesn't allow for much blogging time.
About last night:
Ms.Hepburn invited our studio (Studio 3) to dine together somewhere downtown. Some people excluded themselves from our merry adventure while the ones who did go had a great time, well sort of. We went to a tap room downtown and the food was disgusting. Everything. Even the nasty garlic bread was gross, it took 45 minutes for Ms.Hepburn's nasty food to come out and the waitress was rather irritating. It took much patience. After several interesting judgment calls, we left. Decided on ice-cream. It was a great bonding time. Several of our studio members really opened up with us about things and it was nice to really get to spend time with each other, outside of the studio. Ms.Hepburn and I are calling a Studio meeting for Wednesday night. We will play a of 'truth' and really get to know each other. I'm excited.
And this week:
Since I have been here, I have seriously contemplated the idea of purging five times. I will not purge. The idea, however is very tempting and I feel stronger for having resisted it. I am going to begin a diet on September 1st. I'd like to lose 20 pounds this semester. The physical activity I receive in my classes will certainly help with that.
I feel rather disconnected from the outside world here. There really isn't any access to the world outside of school and I haven't seen the news in over 9 days. It's disturbing. I feel, for the first time in my life, slightly sheltered. My fears and insecurities are heightened here and I have no sense of balance. Today will be devoted to sleep and school work.
My music library on my computer has expanded since I have been here thanks to my school's incredible music library. I haven't spoken to my parents since I have been here and my Grandfather really hates me. He hasn't spoken to me in two weeks. We are incredibly close and sometimes he decides that because I am 'selfish' and a horrible person, he doesn't want me to be a part of his life and cuts me off for awhile, gives me a weird silent treatment of sorts. It is immature.
I find myself not wanting to eat here. I am exhausted every day and I have panic attacks often. My close friend is wanting to hate me. I'm not close with anyone here really. I feel myself wanted to draw back, wanting to become as reclusive as possible and never speak to anyone again. I'm menstrual. My throat hurts, my head is pounding and the very thought of the conditioning class on Tuesday sends my thoughts into another world. I want to scream at people for seemingly insignificant things. I hate my body and I hate myself for hating my body.

Life is good.

love, jessieh

The day's events, event, what it was.

8:54, just breathed out at the end of Studio 4 monologue performance.

Studio 4 is incredible. I survived the conditioning class today. At one point the instructor asked us to perform a stretch for our back in which we eventually wind up with our toes touching the floor behind our heads and our faces directly in between our legs.

My body does not do this properly, it will not even consider it.

I have to read 40 pages tonight. Ms.Hepburn and I plan on reading it to each other aloud.

I will write more soon, I will not be neglecting this space. I may be incredibly boring with the events in my life right now because for awhile at least, I will be busy to the point of exhaustion busy and will be functioning on 3 to 4 hours of sleep, and rubbery eggs.

and a note for the evening: eating disorders never leave.

love, jessieh