Mary is not okay at 7:46 pm and this too, shall pass.
There is heat in my face, behind my eyes, and it burns.
love, jessieh
4.18.2007
4.15.2007
4.14.2007
4.13.2007
Sexual Violence. Meet Society. Again.
WARNING: This post will be bias and slightly sexist and will offend. I do not apologize.
South Carolina's newspaper, "The State" featured an article regarding yesterday's events with the Duke rape case. The first sentence went as follows:
"The accused members of the Duke Lacrosse team have had their lives stolen from them."
Dear "THE STATE": Don't feed me that crap. Don't feed the already brain-washed citizens of South Carolina that crap. Their lives have not been stolen. They haven't suffered anything, especially when you look at the amount of crap the alleged the victim has had to put up with. No one has called these alleged rapists "Rapist" from the beginning but somehow the alleged victim has been called "Liar!" all along. Please explain to me, writers of "The State", what exactly it is that has been stolen from the members of the Duke Lacrosse team? Even hypothetically, speaking, meaning "if" they were to be (for some reason actually) innocent (which I don't believe) what physical damage has this done to them? Did showing up at their attorney's office mean missing a Saturday Practice? What about the psychological trauma? Did the jokes in the locker room get too tough?- Now compare that hypothetical "trauma" to what has been stolen from the (hypothetically speaking) victim? With everyone already assuming the players are innocent, the boys are right back to being boys and doing "boy things" like drinking and partying and ordering strippers and raping women and getting away with it. Rape victims's have their lives, as they knew them before the rape, stolen from them and stuggle to regain balance afterward. Cancer patients have their lives stolen from them, and often get sicker with their attempt to save it. Murder victims have their lives stolen from them. Accused rapists, do not.
love, jessieh
South Carolina's newspaper, "The State" featured an article regarding yesterday's events with the Duke rape case. The first sentence went as follows:
"The accused members of the Duke Lacrosse team have had their lives stolen from them."
Dear "THE STATE": Don't feed me that crap. Don't feed the already brain-washed citizens of South Carolina that crap. Their lives have not been stolen. They haven't suffered anything, especially when you look at the amount of crap the alleged the victim has had to put up with. No one has called these alleged rapists "Rapist" from the beginning but somehow the alleged victim has been called "Liar!" all along. Please explain to me, writers of "The State", what exactly it is that has been stolen from the members of the Duke Lacrosse team? Even hypothetically, speaking, meaning "if" they were to be (for some reason actually) innocent (which I don't believe) what physical damage has this done to them? Did showing up at their attorney's office mean missing a Saturday Practice? What about the psychological trauma? Did the jokes in the locker room get too tough?- Now compare that hypothetical "trauma" to what has been stolen from the (hypothetically speaking) victim? With everyone already assuming the players are innocent, the boys are right back to being boys and doing "boy things" like drinking and partying and ordering strippers and raping women and getting away with it. Rape victims's have their lives, as they knew them before the rape, stolen from them and stuggle to regain balance afterward. Cancer patients have their lives stolen from them, and often get sicker with their attempt to save it. Murder victims have their lives stolen from them. Accused rapists, do not.
love, jessieh
4.12.2007
Sexual Violence. Meet Society. Society lies.
Many people associate RED with anger. It's time to use the RED.
-------------------------------------------------------------
As for releasing the name of rape victims:
The media can shove it.
As for this whole duke rape case: "Not being able to prove a specific crime was committed by a specific person doesn't mean that the crime never happened. "
Sadly, only 3% of rapes that are even reported end with the rapist seeing a jail cell. This is partially because our society only believes in what they can prove, or what they can see, (ex. DNA evidence) but where is society when children are being sexually abused daily and women are being raped on college campuses (and everywhere else) all over the country? I guess society has selective vision. Most child sexual abuse cases are reported years after the abuse when DNA evidence no longer exist. I guess society, and our legal system- for that matter, just expects the 9 year-old girls and boys in our country, who are being raped daily to get in their non-existent cars and drive to a local hospital to have a rape kit done, when they more than likely, don't even know what a rape kit is, and probably don't know that what is happening to them is even called "rape". But that's just my guess. Society's expectations for children sound so genius, it's hard for me to even imagine what they must expect of grown women who are raped on college campuses, or by a boyfriend, or by a boss, or by the guy who bought their last drink. I haven't mentioned the rape of men because according to society it "doesn't even happen". It does. These things are happening. Society just lies.
I'm in complete agreement with Marcella Chester in saying "As for what it will take for me to believe that this (the duke rape) case involves a false accusation: evidence beyond a reasonable doubt."
That is all I will say about this for now.
The media can shove it.
As for the opinion of society: Screw society.
-------------------------------------------------------------
As for releasing the name of rape victims:
The media can shove it.
As for this whole duke rape case: "Not being able to prove a specific crime was committed by a specific person doesn't mean that the crime never happened. "
Sadly, only 3% of rapes that are even reported end with the rapist seeing a jail cell. This is partially because our society only believes in what they can prove, or what they can see, (ex. DNA evidence) but where is society when children are being sexually abused daily and women are being raped on college campuses (and everywhere else) all over the country? I guess society has selective vision. Most child sexual abuse cases are reported years after the abuse when DNA evidence no longer exist. I guess society, and our legal system- for that matter, just expects the 9 year-old girls and boys in our country, who are being raped daily to get in their non-existent cars and drive to a local hospital to have a rape kit done, when they more than likely, don't even know what a rape kit is, and probably don't know that what is happening to them is even called "rape". But that's just my guess. Society's expectations for children sound so genius, it's hard for me to even imagine what they must expect of grown women who are raped on college campuses, or by a boyfriend, or by a boss, or by the guy who bought their last drink. I haven't mentioned the rape of men because according to society it "doesn't even happen". It does. These things are happening. Society just lies.
I'm in complete agreement with Marcella Chester in saying "As for what it will take for me to believe that this (the duke rape) case involves a false accusation: evidence beyond a reasonable doubt."
That is all I will say about this for now.
The media can shove it.
As for the opinion of society: Screw society.
Letter. Sex. Articles.
Letter
No Letter again today. Saturday will officially be nine weeks since the audition. Nine Weeks. At the audition we were told it would be three to four weeks before we found out anything. Three weeks went by. Then four. Then five. On the sixth week, all of the people who auditioned in Columbia received letters that said (in more politically correct terms, of course) "We thought you were alright. We're not sure if we want you yet or not. We're not sure if we want anyone yet or not. We don't really know what we want, and we are sorry that it is taking us awhile to decide- but "rest assured" you are still being considered, and we will be in touch very soon."It has been three weeks since that "please be patient" letter arrived in my mailbox.
My patience is officially gone. I want to know yesterday. On Monday the people who auditioned for Academy (a two week summer program) received their acceptance/rejection letters. This makes no sense to me. Why in the world would the Academy auditioners who are hypothetically spending two weeks in the summer at the school receive notice of their acceptance before the Residential auditioners who are hypothetically spending the next two YEARS at the school? Caroline, a girl who attended Academy Program last year with Ms.Hepburn and I and also auditioned for Residential, called the school to inquire about our acceptance/rejection letters and was told by an ignorant woman in the main office that the letters were mailed on Monday. This, of course, leading the slew of us on pins and needles to believe that the letter would arrive today at the latest.
No letter again today. I cried because all I care about is getting an envelope and the hypothetical contents of this envelope are stressing me out. This waiting is not good for my health. It increases my already-increased levels of anxiety. It encourages lack of focus because all I can think about is whether or not the key of my future is sitting in my mailbox. It encourages lack of already-lacking sleep because I toss and turn all night wondering if it will come the next day. My hair is falling out. I'm pretty sure I'm getting fatter even though I haven't been on a scale all week. My future basically depends on what this letter says. This waiting is not good for my health.
So today, I call the Governor's School for the Arts and Humanities myself and ask to speak to the President of the school, Anna King. Ms. King answers her phone and
Anna King: Hello?
Me: Ms. King?
Her: Can I help you?
Me: Is this Anna King?
Her: Yes. Hello? Can I help you?
Me: Yes. I'm trying to find out if the letters for the Residential program have been mailed out yet.
Her: Oh. No. We'll probably mail them out first thing tomorrow morning.
Probably mail them out first thing tomorrow morning, meaning that I could probably hear on Friday or Saturday.
Probably. It's not like I'm waiting or anything.
Opinions of The School's organizational skills are lowering substantially with each passing day.
I need to get in to this school. If I've waited all of this time, and stressed out for nine weeks only to find out that I haven't made it in- I may very well just end my life.
I may very well just do that.
I'll get to the Sex and Articles later.
The face now loaded with nerves...
love, jessieh
4.11.2007
American Doll Posse
Tori Amos releases a new album on May 1, 2007.
I AM A HUGE FAN!
(from left to right) Santa, Clyde, Isabel, Tori, & Pip
Their personal blogs can be read at various places. I've included them in my links list to the right of this page.
Tori Takes a New Approach to "American Doll Posse".
.Enjoy.
No Letter Still.
----------------------------------
Survey
Seven Deadly Sins
Wrath :
Who did you last get angry with? The Governor's School Establishment
What is your weapon of choice? Silence
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Yes.
How about the same sex? For self-protection. Yes.
Who was the last person who got really angry at you? My Grandmother
What is your pet peeve? When people do not answer their cell phones. When people joke about things that can't even be made funny (i.e. rape, cancer, AIDS, domestic violence...). When I say something and am ignored (whether it be intentional or unintentional).
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I don't keep grudges about simple things. I just not very forgiving when people choose to do things that impact the lifes of others without taking into consideration what they could be doing to others. I mean, when someone's selfishness comes before the well-being of others. Yes. It angers me and I do not just "let it go".
Sloth:
What is one thing you're suppose to do daily that you haven't? Eat less than 900 Calories.
What is the latest you've ever woken up? Maybe 10:30 in the morning. I don't sleep late.
Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? Old teachers.
What is the last lame excuse that you made? I haven't made one yet.
Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? Yes. I've watched several actually, but it's more a product of insomnia, than sloth.
How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning? Once.
Gluttony:
What is your over-priced yuppie beverage of choice? Dang. The only thing I drink is diet coke, and it's only over-priced in Italy.
Are you a meat eater? I am ashamed to say "yes".
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? No comment.
Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits? Drinking habits? Yes. Eating habits? No. Not at all.
Do you enjoy candy and sweets? I get sudden cravings for them.
Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods? I guess sweets, I'm not really sure. I try not to catergorize my food.
Greed:
How many credit cards do you own? None.
If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? Honestly, I'd probably give about 70 percent of it away and keep the rest for myself and my future.
Would you rather be rich or famous? Well. Generally the two go hand and hand. If you are famous, odds are you will be rich. If you are rich, you can easily become famous. Neither.
Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks? Never. Ever. Never. Ever. In a million years. NEVER.
Pride:
What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of? I don't know.
What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of? They'd probably say Governor's School, but I'm not really sure.
What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life? I'd like to paint something spectacular.
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Very much so.
Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? Yes. I know that's horrible, but Yes.
Have you ever cheated to get a better score? Yes. I'm not proud of that.
What did you do today that you're proud of? I answered a riddle correctly, obnoxiously and recieved extra credit points in my math class.
Lust:
How many people have seen you naked ? The people who have seen me naked are not people I have been romantically involved with. This group of people consists mostly of family and close friends. I'm generally modest.
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest or crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation? I can't say that I have. I'm not that interested in the chest or the crotch of others. I'm not that interested in my own.
What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice? I like collar bones.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No.
Envy:
What item of your friends would you want to have for your own? I'd like to take my sister's iPod.
Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? Mere, because she really knows me and she has wonderful taste in the interior design world. Mere has wonderful taste in most every world.
If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be? I'd be Taylor or Savannah. I know that's weird, but if me being them meant they had to be me, I'd never want to do that. Ever.
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? Every moment of every day of my life. Fix this Stomach.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? Calmness. Friendlyness
What deadly sin:
Do you do the most often? Wrath. I get upset about seemingly meaningless things and I get angry about important things.
Do you do the least often? Lust. I couldn't possibly care any less about sex. It's not even on my "things-to-do-before-I-die" list.
I hope that was interesting. Please post a comment with your answers. I'm curious. If you don't have a blogger account post it anonoymously and just sign your name at the bottom.
love, jessieh
4.10.2007
Silly Poetry.
Everyone thought today was the day.
We thought we would open our mailboxes and the letter would be sitting to be ripped into.
It was not.
So Because I've agonized over it not being there so much
I thought I would some of what the others are saying.
I call it.
--------------------------
"Send"
Couldn't sleep last night.
Had to force myself to eat today.
And for what?
No Letter.
I half hoped it would come today.
Of course it didn't.
I'm expecting Wednesday at the very latest.
No Letter.
I love you
AND your psychotic issues.
Go read Rocco's blog about govie school stress.
No Letter.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
This Girl from The Little Theater just got into Academy
and I Broke Down.
No Letter
I Want to know So Badly!
But Part of me dosen't
because it will change things
No Letter
What do you think?
Am I talented?
Don't you dare lie to me.
No Letter.
You're in.
Chill.
Out.
No Letter.
Is Dan really sickminded?
Does he enjoy this.
That is my question.
No Letter.
I'm sick to my stomach.
And tired.
and I might die of anxiety overload before I get my
Letter.
---------------------------
"Send"
Was compiled of comments left by anxious Governor School auditioners on myspace.com waiting to find out if they are in.
We thought we would open our mailboxes and the letter would be sitting to be ripped into.
It was not.
So Because I've agonized over it not being there so much
I thought I would some of what the others are saying.
I call it.
--------------------------
"Send"
Couldn't sleep last night.
Had to force myself to eat today.
And for what?
No Letter.
I half hoped it would come today.
Of course it didn't.
I'm expecting Wednesday at the very latest.
No Letter.
I love you
AND your psychotic issues.
Go read Rocco's blog about govie school stress.
No Letter.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
This Girl from The Little Theater just got into Academy
and I Broke Down.
No Letter
I Want to know So Badly!
But Part of me dosen't
because it will change things
No Letter
What do you think?
Am I talented?
Don't you dare lie to me.
No Letter.
You're in.
Chill.
Out.
No Letter.
Is Dan really sickminded?
Does he enjoy this.
That is my question.
No Letter.
I'm sick to my stomach.
And tired.
and I might die of anxiety overload before I get my
Letter.
---------------------------
"Send"
Was compiled of comments left by anxious Governor School auditioners on myspace.com waiting to find out if they are in.
4.07.2007
Vanity
I don't share it very much.
The face at 11:27 pm on April 6, 2007
Blurred, but most things are near midnight.
The face at 11:27 pm on April 6, 2007
Blurred, but most things are near midnight.
Excitement and Rants.
I will begin with
RANTS
-I have still not heard from the Governor's School.
-The waiting is causing me health problems.
-I'm not sleeping.
-I feel incredibly fat.
-I dread going back to school is less than 48 hours. Math class is so hard to sit through.
-Children are being raped and sodomized all over the world.
EXCITEMENTS
-Tori Amos Releases a new album on May 1, 2007
-A filmmaker named Barbara is trying to make a movie based on "When Rabbit Howls"
- I've almost completed "Bastard Out of Carolina"
-I've lost two pounds
- I have wonderful moral support from Ms.Hepburn
-I went to the "Good Friday" Service last night
- Tommorow is Easter
- I am alive and well
- This list is longer than the RANTS and will probably be getting even longer.
love, jessieh
RANTS
-I have still not heard from the Governor's School.
-The waiting is causing me health problems.
-I'm not sleeping.
-I feel incredibly fat.
-I dread going back to school is less than 48 hours. Math class is so hard to sit through.
-Children are being raped and sodomized all over the world.
EXCITEMENTS
-Tori Amos Releases a new album on May 1, 2007
-A filmmaker named Barbara is trying to make a movie based on "When Rabbit Howls"
- I've almost completed "Bastard Out of Carolina"
-I've lost two pounds
- I have wonderful moral support from Ms.Hepburn
-I went to the "Good Friday" Service last night
- Tommorow is Easter
- I am alive and well
- This list is longer than the RANTS and will probably be getting even longer.
love, jessieh
4.02.2007
Man convicted of nearly 1,000 Sexual Assaults.
From Marcella Chester:
Man Convicted of Nearly 1000 Sex Assaults
I'm glad to see a case where there isn't only one criminal count per sexual abuse victim.
A western Pennsylvania man has been convicted of several hundred sex-crime counts for abusing one girl for more than a decade. A jury found Clarence Thomas, 56, guilty Tuesday of all 971 counts after just over an hour of deliberations. Those counts included more than 100 charges each of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, statutory sexual assault and corruption of minors; more than 200 counts of aggravated indecent assault; and nearly 400 counts of indecent assault.
Originally, Thomas had been charged with 9,000 counts, but a pre-trial motion consolidated them. The girl's sisters, now 26 and 28, also filed charges, but they were dismissed because they were filed too late and were outside the county.The defendant used the threat of violence against this victim's mother to help him commit these crimes. The number of charges also highlights why some victims don't "get over it" as quickly as we think they should. This girl wasn't taken away from her home, but she was a captive.Whenever we talk about cases like this we must remember that we aren't talking about one commission of a crime: child sex abuse, we are talking about thousands of criminal acts. The 9000 original counts in this case were just for this one victim and don't include the crimes committed against her 2 sisters.
For those who have never sufferered childhood sexual abuse, imagine a painful event from your childhood and multiply that by 9000. Imagine that event being there around you at all times lurking for 10 years and beyond. Imagine as a child worrying that your mother will be hurt or killed if you tell anyone what has been done to you.
Then remember that the reality is far worse than what you can imagine.Then remember that just surviving this type of siege takes great strength and great courage. The courage and strength it takes to then seek justice for yourself and protection for other potential victims is amazing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had to share that with you. Thank you Ms. Chester.
Man Convicted of Nearly 1000 Sex Assaults
I'm glad to see a case where there isn't only one criminal count per sexual abuse victim.
A western Pennsylvania man has been convicted of several hundred sex-crime counts for abusing one girl for more than a decade. A jury found Clarence Thomas, 56, guilty Tuesday of all 971 counts after just over an hour of deliberations. Those counts included more than 100 charges each of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, statutory sexual assault and corruption of minors; more than 200 counts of aggravated indecent assault; and nearly 400 counts of indecent assault.
Originally, Thomas had been charged with 9,000 counts, but a pre-trial motion consolidated them. The girl's sisters, now 26 and 28, also filed charges, but they were dismissed because they were filed too late and were outside the county.The defendant used the threat of violence against this victim's mother to help him commit these crimes. The number of charges also highlights why some victims don't "get over it" as quickly as we think they should. This girl wasn't taken away from her home, but she was a captive.Whenever we talk about cases like this we must remember that we aren't talking about one commission of a crime: child sex abuse, we are talking about thousands of criminal acts. The 9000 original counts in this case were just for this one victim and don't include the crimes committed against her 2 sisters.
For those who have never sufferered childhood sexual abuse, imagine a painful event from your childhood and multiply that by 9000. Imagine that event being there around you at all times lurking for 10 years and beyond. Imagine as a child worrying that your mother will be hurt or killed if you tell anyone what has been done to you.
Then remember that the reality is far worse than what you can imagine.Then remember that just surviving this type of siege takes great strength and great courage. The courage and strength it takes to then seek justice for yourself and protection for other potential victims is amazing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had to share that with you. Thank you Ms. Chester.
3.21.2007
About High School
A little rant. A bigger rant than usual.
I go to a Southern, Conservative, In-breed, Community School
where football teachers coach math
and English teachers view rape as a "controversial" topic.
I go to a school where the creative writing teachers are the only ones talking about The Importance of Education and Politics. I love that class.
Everyday, in my math class I have "homicide-oriented" thoughts.
I would never and have never considered murder.
I try everyday to mentally chop up my
He says,
"I'm not going to teach for the rest of the week...This is a working relationship...you work for me, and I'll work for you...since none of you have been working this past nine weeks, I'm just not going to work either. "
I am frustrated. The idiot asks for my individual opinion. Teachers should never asks for their students' public opinions.
My opinion: Which felt about as big as it looks-
Dear Coach Dean Howell,
I think it is highly immature of you to decide you are going to take the same approach to teaching this class that your students take to being in this class. If I am immature, my grade will go down. That should be a lesson well learned. When you are immature, and decide you're simple "not teaching this week", your paycheck doesn't go anywhere. I'm sure if it did-you would quickly change your behavior-modification theory. I think our district needs to stop hiring football teachers to coach math. Judging from your awful case of arrogance, I would suggest your re-read, in context, some of that same Bible you throw into your classroom discussions. You have a sick attraction to watching people get frustrated. You like to be in control. You give pop-quizes with three questions on them, all the while knowing that in math, it is very easy to make a small mistake. You like knowing that if I make one small mistake, I fail the quiz. I'd like to know who hired you and which parent of yours they graduated with?
I go to a Southern, Conservative, In-breed, Community School
where football teachers coach math
and English teachers view rape as a "controversial" topic.
I go to a school where the creative writing teachers are the only ones talking about The Importance of Education and Politics. I love that class.
Everyday, in my math class I have "homicide-oriented" thoughts.
I would never and have never considered murder.
I try everyday to mentally chop up my
bible-preaching-lunatic-of-a-football-teacher-coaching-math-who-uses-crude-offensive-sexist-discriminatory-humor-to-deflect-his-flaws.
he sings a praise and worship song on Fridays at my school and sells pizza-
calls it "Fellowship of Christian Athletes"-
spends 35 or 40 minutes counting his pizza profit at the beginning of class
and then asks for our undivided attention.
I want to say, "If I were looking at you as a representative of Christ, I would want nothing to do with him." but I don't.
last week
he is absent for days in a row
he fails to give us notes on chapter five
lessons
6
7
8
9- was there even a section nine?
but expects us to pass
the open-notes
chapter 5 test.
sections 1-9
everyone
in the class
-with the single exception of a foreign exchange student who has already taken the class in another country-
fails.
There is something wrong with a teacher when 96%-and that's being nice- of his class fails the first test of the new quarter.
He says,
"I'm not going to teach for the rest of the week...This is a working relationship...you work for me, and I'll work for you...since none of you have been working this past nine weeks, I'm just not going to work either. "
I am frustrated. The idiot asks for my individual opinion. Teachers should never asks for their students' public opinions.
My opinion: Which felt about as big as it looks-
Dear Coach Dean Howell,
I think it is highly immature of you to decide you are going to take the same approach to teaching this class that your students take to being in this class. If I am immature, my grade will go down. That should be a lesson well learned. When you are immature, and decide you're simple "not teaching this week", your paycheck doesn't go anywhere. I'm sure if it did-you would quickly change your behavior-modification theory. I think our district needs to stop hiring football teachers to coach math. Judging from your awful case of arrogance, I would suggest your re-read, in context, some of that same Bible you throw into your classroom discussions. You have a sick attraction to watching people get frustrated. You like to be in control. You give pop-quizes with three questions on them, all the while knowing that in math, it is very easy to make a small mistake. You like knowing that if I make one small mistake, I fail the quiz. I'd like to know who hired you and which parent of yours they graduated with?
but because he asked
I openly gave it to him.
He shouldn't have underestimated me.
------------------------------------
DAN MURRAY.
PLEASE,
I BEG YOU
TO
RESCUE ME.
love, jessieh
3.19.2007
3.18.2007
Waiting.
This is for one of my Sheros. She knows who she is.
As for everything else, I'm still waiting.
As for everything else, I'm still waiting.
2.20.2007
The Auditions.
Governor's School auditions.
Horrible Auditions.
Horrible.
The most important audition of my life thus far and I blew it.
I hope the judges see past that.
I hope they know I am a very motivated person who wants this more than anything.
I can do it. I know that I would make them proud. Which is a slightly arrogant thing to say but
I am willing to sacrafice. I want this more than anything.
But I guess we all do.
So.
Now.
All I can do is wait.
Ms. Hepburn and I sit waiting for another month or so.
But I know she is in.
She is amazing.
I hope she is reading that.
AMAZING.
BEAUTIFUL.
the end.
or something like it.
-1:48 pm three days after the audition.
I mean after all-
It wouldn't be the end of the world, it would just feel-seem-be like it.
Ok. So maybe it would.
Ms. Hepburn.
I love you.
Silence is sometimes golden.
Horrible Auditions.
Horrible.
The most important audition of my life thus far and I blew it.
I hope the judges see past that.
I hope they know I am a very motivated person who wants this more than anything.
I can do it. I know that I would make them proud. Which is a slightly arrogant thing to say but
I am willing to sacrafice. I want this more than anything.
But I guess we all do.
So.
Now.
All I can do is wait.
Ms. Hepburn and I sit waiting for another month or so.
But I know she is in.
She is amazing.
I hope she is reading that.
AMAZING.
BEAUTIFUL.
the end.
or something like it.
-1:48 pm three days after the audition.
I mean after all-
It wouldn't be the end of the world, it would just feel-seem-be like it.
Ok. So maybe it would.
Ms. Hepburn.
I love you.
Silence is sometimes golden.
2.07.2007
2.05.2007
Returns of the Day
Returns of the Day (The New York Times Magazine, October 2, 1994)
The anniversary of my rape has come to mean more to me than my birthday.
By Nancy Venable Raine (author of After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back)
On an autumn afternoon in Boston seven years ago, when the cherry tree in my garden was the color of orange marmalade and the sky was a flawless blue, a man slipped through the back door of my ground-floor apartment while I was taking out the trash.
I don't know how long he skulked in my home, or in what shadows. Long enough for me to lock the back door, turn my back, walk over to the sink and begin to wash the pan I'd cooked oatmeal in that morning. I was scrubbing it when he grabbed me from behind. "I'm going to kill you," he said. He dragged me into my bedroom and, using duct tape, blindfolded and bound me. He then beat me and raped me. I never saw him. Only his enormous feet. The anniversary of my rape is the brooding axis of my year, more significant than my birthday.
After all, I don't remember my own birth struggle. But I remember every second of those three hours. Like the majority of rapists, he was never caught, tried or imprisoned. Like all survivors, I am growing accustomed to living with an anniversary that can be marked only by silence, a silence that tastes a lot like shame.
Every year I feel the anniversary coming even before my conscious mind recognizes it. When the air crisps and the leaves begin to turn, I get this thing about taking out the trash. About oatmeal. The eyes in the back of my head, the ones that are never shut, begin to burn like the autumn colors, filling me with emotions I still can't encompass.I know how to mark my birthday, my wedding anniversary, even the anniversary of my brother's death. But the day I was raped? How should I observe the passing of another year? After all, I did take the trash out yesterday, and just this morning - the morning - I ate oatmeal standing at my kitchen window while contemplating the wild plum trees in my California garden that were turning the color of...orange marmalade.
Of course, anniversaries are celebrations. Celebrate is what I do on my birthday, with friends and family who make a fuss that I outwardly protest and secretly relish. Celebrate is what I do on my wedding anniversary, when my husband and I slip out of the humdrum and go off and do something silly that makes us appreciate our routine again. And on the anniversary of my kid brother's death, I call my mother and we retell the story of how he carried his pet alligator to the zoo when it outgrew the bathtub - in a paper bag on a Washington bus. I am never alone when I celebrate these anniversaries, because someone else remembers them, too.Is it possible to celebrate this anniversary alone, as alone as I was that afternoon?
Celebrate in silence my slow coming to terms with the fact that I can never again be that woman who locked her door and felt safe. My husband, my mother, my friends still suffer their own brand of helplessness when they try to imagine the content of my memory. My father, who spent his life in law enforcement, leaves the room if the subject of rape in general, or my rape in particular, creeps into the conversation. Why remind them? And dare they remind me, when they secretly hope I might be "over it" at last?
Silently every year on this date I remember with particular lucidity what it was like to be only mindless instinct, a collection of synapses and fibers, muscle and bone, organized around a single desire: to live another second. This reduction to such bare necessities of body was an alchemy that spun not gold but something dark and polar, a terrible knowledge that to this day sits in the center of my heart like glacial ice. Why remind people who love me it is still there?On this anniversary, more or less safe in the cradle of the day's routine, I began to think back. To the first anniversary, when I realized that I had to stop talking about what happened to me because the people who loved me could not bear to hear it. The second, when I pretended to myself I was "over it." The third, when I realized I wasn't. The fourth, when I was in treatment for post-traumatic stress syndrome. The fifth, when I was convinced my treatment wasn't helping and secretly wondered if I had the guts to kill myself. The sixth, during a lunch date, when I told a woman I barely knew that our meeting was occurring on the anniversary of my rape. I spoke matter-of-factly, afraid she might gather up her black briefcase and suddenly remember a dentist's appointment. "My 10th was in June," she replied. As the seventh anniversary hour, 3:30 P.M., approached, I made a cup of tea. I remembered a story I'd heard 25 years earlier from my friend George. In those days, work crews marked construction sites by putting out smudge pots with open flames. George's 4-year-old daughter got too close to one and her pants caught fire like the Straw Man's stuffing. The scars running the length and breadth of Sarah's legs looked like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. In the third grade she was asked, "If you could have one wish what would it be?" Sarah wrote: "I want everyone to have legs like mine." Yes, I thought.When George first told this story I knew it contained a profound truth, but not what that truth was, nor that I would need it someday. Today, I understand that the self consumes misfortune like a sacred potion until the glass is empty. And this bitter elixir changes who we are. Sarah could not imagine herself without her scars. But she could imagine those scars not setting her apart. She could imagine not being alone. She was not wishing her misfortune on others, but wishing they could share it with her.
I finished my tea and realized I was too anxious to take my daily walk. The odds of being raped don't go down because you've been raped once. A little past 3:30, the doorbell rang. I crept to the peep hole and looked out. It was only the local florist, a woman. The bouquet she presented was huge - yellow roses, pale orange lilies and blue irises. It was from my goddaughter, a university student, who was viciously attacked and sexually molested two years ago by a pack of American college boys in a bar in Mexico. The note read "You are not alone. Love K."
No. I am not alone. There are millions of us celebrating our silent anniversaries, I thought.Someday we will all march to the Capitol carrying flowers, and we will leave them on the steps. We will celebrate our anniversaries. We will give our names. The month, the day, the year, the hour. We will stop being silent. We will stop being alone. It doesn't have to be in autumn. I'm not picky.
The anniversary of my rape has come to mean more to me than my birthday.
By Nancy Venable Raine (author of After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back)
On an autumn afternoon in Boston seven years ago, when the cherry tree in my garden was the color of orange marmalade and the sky was a flawless blue, a man slipped through the back door of my ground-floor apartment while I was taking out the trash.
I don't know how long he skulked in my home, or in what shadows. Long enough for me to lock the back door, turn my back, walk over to the sink and begin to wash the pan I'd cooked oatmeal in that morning. I was scrubbing it when he grabbed me from behind. "I'm going to kill you," he said. He dragged me into my bedroom and, using duct tape, blindfolded and bound me. He then beat me and raped me. I never saw him. Only his enormous feet. The anniversary of my rape is the brooding axis of my year, more significant than my birthday.
After all, I don't remember my own birth struggle. But I remember every second of those three hours. Like the majority of rapists, he was never caught, tried or imprisoned. Like all survivors, I am growing accustomed to living with an anniversary that can be marked only by silence, a silence that tastes a lot like shame.
Every year I feel the anniversary coming even before my conscious mind recognizes it. When the air crisps and the leaves begin to turn, I get this thing about taking out the trash. About oatmeal. The eyes in the back of my head, the ones that are never shut, begin to burn like the autumn colors, filling me with emotions I still can't encompass.I know how to mark my birthday, my wedding anniversary, even the anniversary of my brother's death. But the day I was raped? How should I observe the passing of another year? After all, I did take the trash out yesterday, and just this morning - the morning - I ate oatmeal standing at my kitchen window while contemplating the wild plum trees in my California garden that were turning the color of...orange marmalade.
Of course, anniversaries are celebrations. Celebrate is what I do on my birthday, with friends and family who make a fuss that I outwardly protest and secretly relish. Celebrate is what I do on my wedding anniversary, when my husband and I slip out of the humdrum and go off and do something silly that makes us appreciate our routine again. And on the anniversary of my kid brother's death, I call my mother and we retell the story of how he carried his pet alligator to the zoo when it outgrew the bathtub - in a paper bag on a Washington bus. I am never alone when I celebrate these anniversaries, because someone else remembers them, too.Is it possible to celebrate this anniversary alone, as alone as I was that afternoon?
Celebrate in silence my slow coming to terms with the fact that I can never again be that woman who locked her door and felt safe. My husband, my mother, my friends still suffer their own brand of helplessness when they try to imagine the content of my memory. My father, who spent his life in law enforcement, leaves the room if the subject of rape in general, or my rape in particular, creeps into the conversation. Why remind them? And dare they remind me, when they secretly hope I might be "over it" at last?
Silently every year on this date I remember with particular lucidity what it was like to be only mindless instinct, a collection of synapses and fibers, muscle and bone, organized around a single desire: to live another second. This reduction to such bare necessities of body was an alchemy that spun not gold but something dark and polar, a terrible knowledge that to this day sits in the center of my heart like glacial ice. Why remind people who love me it is still there?On this anniversary, more or less safe in the cradle of the day's routine, I began to think back. To the first anniversary, when I realized that I had to stop talking about what happened to me because the people who loved me could not bear to hear it. The second, when I pretended to myself I was "over it." The third, when I realized I wasn't. The fourth, when I was in treatment for post-traumatic stress syndrome. The fifth, when I was convinced my treatment wasn't helping and secretly wondered if I had the guts to kill myself. The sixth, during a lunch date, when I told a woman I barely knew that our meeting was occurring on the anniversary of my rape. I spoke matter-of-factly, afraid she might gather up her black briefcase and suddenly remember a dentist's appointment. "My 10th was in June," she replied. As the seventh anniversary hour, 3:30 P.M., approached, I made a cup of tea. I remembered a story I'd heard 25 years earlier from my friend George. In those days, work crews marked construction sites by putting out smudge pots with open flames. George's 4-year-old daughter got too close to one and her pants caught fire like the Straw Man's stuffing. The scars running the length and breadth of Sarah's legs looked like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. In the third grade she was asked, "If you could have one wish what would it be?" Sarah wrote: "I want everyone to have legs like mine." Yes, I thought.When George first told this story I knew it contained a profound truth, but not what that truth was, nor that I would need it someday. Today, I understand that the self consumes misfortune like a sacred potion until the glass is empty. And this bitter elixir changes who we are. Sarah could not imagine herself without her scars. But she could imagine those scars not setting her apart. She could imagine not being alone. She was not wishing her misfortune on others, but wishing they could share it with her.
I finished my tea and realized I was too anxious to take my daily walk. The odds of being raped don't go down because you've been raped once. A little past 3:30, the doorbell rang. I crept to the peep hole and looked out. It was only the local florist, a woman. The bouquet she presented was huge - yellow roses, pale orange lilies and blue irises. It was from my goddaughter, a university student, who was viciously attacked and sexually molested two years ago by a pack of American college boys in a bar in Mexico. The note read "You are not alone. Love K."
No. I am not alone. There are millions of us celebrating our silent anniversaries, I thought.Someday we will all march to the Capitol carrying flowers, and we will leave them on the steps. We will celebrate our anniversaries. We will give our names. The month, the day, the year, the hour. We will stop being silent. We will stop being alone. It doesn't have to be in autumn. I'm not picky.
------------------------------------------------------
.Dear Nancy.
.It will be three years.
.February 06.
2.02.2007
Reading Response for English Class.
Every four weeks we must as a requirement for my English class read a book with a reading level of 11th grade or higher. Many people do not realize that most adult bestselling fiction books hit a reading level average of 9th grade.
I evidently surprised my teacher when I told her I would be reading When Rabbit Howls by the Troops for Truddi Chase. She thought it curious that someone my age was reading "such a book". She said she had read Sybil.
So here is my conclusive answer and questions I have to turn in. To be honest, I am proud of myself for answering the questions so well given they way they were asked.
Below...
I evidently surprised my teacher when I told her I would be reading When Rabbit Howls by the Troops for Truddi Chase. She thought it curious that someone my age was reading "such a book". She said she had read Sybil.
So here is my conclusive answer and questions I have to turn in. To be honest, I am proud of myself for answering the questions so well given they way they were asked.
Below...
Reader’s Response to When Rabbit Howls by The Troops for Truddi Chase
1. Would you read another book by this same author? Explain why or why not.
If given the opportunity, I would read another book written by the Troops for Truddi Chase. It is however, important for any reader of this book to understand that the authorship belongs to the selves of Truddi Chase, and because of this, the book may prove difficult to read. Their writing style is unique not only because it is written from the perspective of those living in the world of multiple personality disorder but because the authors themselves bring incredible, personal insight into what the daily life of a multiple reflects. They each have something special to offer to their readers and if they do indeed publish future works I would be interested to see how it is presented.
2. Give a clear explanation of the book’s title.
The title of the book When Rabbit Howls offers a distinct look into why the book was written. As a child the selves of Truddi Chase endured horrendous sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. The abuse began when the first self was three and continued on into her teenage years. Truddi Chase disassociated into separate selves as a way to cope with the hideous things that were happening to her. Some of the selves evolved into individuals that remain with Truddi Chase to this day. Miss Wonderful is the perfectionist self. Elvira loves to party and take risks. Mean Joe is the strong, tall, protector of the others. Nails is able to take an incredible amount of emotions and hold them. Ten-Four and Lady Catherine are both witty, sophisticated businesswomen. Then among the others is Rabbit.
Rabbit is a young child that suffered significant sexual abuse. Rabbit is the self that never fully evolved. Rabbit only screams and cries in pain. The book revolves around the life and therapy of the Troops and the relationship each member forms with their therapist known Dr. Robert A. Phillips Jr. (known to the Troop members as “Stanley”). Of all the people living in Truddi Chase one grabs the attention of the reader. When rabbit howls, the reader knows that not only are the selves being revealed but also the pain associated with the abuse is being explored and finally dealt with.
3. Explain the central conflict faced by the book’s main character(s).
The central conflict in When Rabbit Howls is not simply defined. Because of the complexity of the Troops, it is difficult for the reader to identify the one problem or one area that needs improvement. Unfortunately this book does not present conflicts in a simple way. There are many conflicts, even central conflicts that the main characters face. The one that seems to be most difficult for the Troops to resolve is finding an effective way to cope with the effects of the trauma they have experienced throughout their lives.
4. How is the conflicted resolved by the book’s conclusion?
To many who read When Rabbit Howls it would seem as though the conflict is not resolved because even at the end of the book the Troops still exist (and still do exist) for Truddi Chase. In Sybil (by Flora Rheta Schreiber), a book that is similar in subject matter and therefore often compared to When Rabbit Howls, the selves eventually combine to help Sybil function as one. This does not happen in When Rabbit Howls. Instead the therapist, who becomes an essential to the healing of the Troops, encourages that she embrace each of the personalities and find out what their purposes are. Each personality has their own memories, desires, talents, thoughts...and are viewed throughout the book as separate beings, and because of this; the idea that they will be connected is not hopeful. When Rabbit Howls does bring a different kind hope to its readers. It brings a comfort simply in being a direct, honest look into multiple personality disorder, a subject that is often neglected in the literary world due to its complications.
5. State an important life lesson (theme) that this book teaches
In this book, the Troops for Truddi Chase teach many valuable lessons. Each self brings a different message to the reader because each self has a different reason for existance. The overall message is clear and runs parallel with the timeless cliché "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." That holds true for this book. When Rabbit Howls also shows clearly that people do unique things to survive traumatic situations, and survival should be respected regardless of how misunderstood or eccentric it may seem. It is important to avoid labeling the Troops as evidence of mental illness, but instead viewing them as important evidence of survival.
1. Would you read another book by this same author? Explain why or why not.
If given the opportunity, I would read another book written by the Troops for Truddi Chase. It is however, important for any reader of this book to understand that the authorship belongs to the selves of Truddi Chase, and because of this, the book may prove difficult to read. Their writing style is unique not only because it is written from the perspective of those living in the world of multiple personality disorder but because the authors themselves bring incredible, personal insight into what the daily life of a multiple reflects. They each have something special to offer to their readers and if they do indeed publish future works I would be interested to see how it is presented.
2. Give a clear explanation of the book’s title.
The title of the book When Rabbit Howls offers a distinct look into why the book was written. As a child the selves of Truddi Chase endured horrendous sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. The abuse began when the first self was three and continued on into her teenage years. Truddi Chase disassociated into separate selves as a way to cope with the hideous things that were happening to her. Some of the selves evolved into individuals that remain with Truddi Chase to this day. Miss Wonderful is the perfectionist self. Elvira loves to party and take risks. Mean Joe is the strong, tall, protector of the others. Nails is able to take an incredible amount of emotions and hold them. Ten-Four and Lady Catherine are both witty, sophisticated businesswomen. Then among the others is Rabbit.
Rabbit is a young child that suffered significant sexual abuse. Rabbit is the self that never fully evolved. Rabbit only screams and cries in pain. The book revolves around the life and therapy of the Troops and the relationship each member forms with their therapist known Dr. Robert A. Phillips Jr. (known to the Troop members as “Stanley”). Of all the people living in Truddi Chase one grabs the attention of the reader. When rabbit howls, the reader knows that not only are the selves being revealed but also the pain associated with the abuse is being explored and finally dealt with.
3. Explain the central conflict faced by the book’s main character(s).
The central conflict in When Rabbit Howls is not simply defined. Because of the complexity of the Troops, it is difficult for the reader to identify the one problem or one area that needs improvement. Unfortunately this book does not present conflicts in a simple way. There are many conflicts, even central conflicts that the main characters face. The one that seems to be most difficult for the Troops to resolve is finding an effective way to cope with the effects of the trauma they have experienced throughout their lives.
4. How is the conflicted resolved by the book’s conclusion?
To many who read When Rabbit Howls it would seem as though the conflict is not resolved because even at the end of the book the Troops still exist (and still do exist) for Truddi Chase. In Sybil (by Flora Rheta Schreiber), a book that is similar in subject matter and therefore often compared to When Rabbit Howls, the selves eventually combine to help Sybil function as one. This does not happen in When Rabbit Howls. Instead the therapist, who becomes an essential to the healing of the Troops, encourages that she embrace each of the personalities and find out what their purposes are. Each personality has their own memories, desires, talents, thoughts...and are viewed throughout the book as separate beings, and because of this; the idea that they will be connected is not hopeful. When Rabbit Howls does bring a different kind hope to its readers. It brings a comfort simply in being a direct, honest look into multiple personality disorder, a subject that is often neglected in the literary world due to its complications.
5. State an important life lesson (theme) that this book teaches
In this book, the Troops for Truddi Chase teach many valuable lessons. Each self brings a different message to the reader because each self has a different reason for existance. The overall message is clear and runs parallel with the timeless cliché "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." That holds true for this book. When Rabbit Howls also shows clearly that people do unique things to survive traumatic situations, and survival should be respected regardless of how misunderstood or eccentric it may seem. It is important to avoid labeling the Troops as evidence of mental illness, but instead viewing them as important evidence of survival.
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