A poem by Susanne Parker

When we are well
We will do all the things that normal people do.

We'll wear modest, stylish attire
Befitting our age. I'll have a silver chain
With a pendant made from some exotic stone,
And you'll admire it when we meet at the cafe
For a catch up chat.

I'll talk about my husband
(I'll have one of those by then)
And you will, too. And you'll tell me
How he bought a dog for your little boy.
And you'll buy my coffee but I'll leave the tip
In nickels on the glass top table. Boring little things.

I'll still remember that there are scissor
scars on your stomach, but I won't look there. And if
You glance at my jaw and it is swollen,
You won't mention the screws.
Noone will think it strange that you order only cold drinks-
After all, it's a hot day.

Before we get up to leave
Our eyes will meet across the table.
We'll only smile. Only go back
To those normal, normal
normal deeds.

Strangers will wonder how we discover so much joy
At merely being alive.

The little or big black dogs.

On memory:

"We had a black dog when I was little. It would knock me down and bust open my lip every time we let it out ( at least once a week). It lived in our backyard.
That's alot of information to not be privy to." - Gingoneous

We will write more soon.
love, jessieh

.ten/notes/of/the/evening.

1. This quote: (Roughly) "Eating disorders are not the real problem-people have much bigger problems and they are taking it out on their food."- Jenny (Artconstellation)
2. Two pairs of blue jeans were purchased on behalf of my body.
3. I AM NOW OFFICIALLY LEAVING FOR MINNESOTA ON JUNE 30TH. (PLEASE SEE COUNTDOWN CLOCK ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE SCREEN, RIGHT ABOVE THE MUSIC PLAYER THAT SAYS "MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIKE ANI DIFRANCO". CLICK ON THAT WHILE YOU ARE AT IT.) THE PLANE TICKET HAS BEEN PURCHASED AND WE ARE READY TO GO!
4. I'm working on something special starting tonight.
5. Thanks to a Ginger, I'm not only journaling in the most beautiful handmade journal in the world but I'm also learning (okay, so attempting to learn) how to use a camera and while I don't really know that much I do know that the smaller the number on the f-stop (? probablyscrewedthatup?), the more light that is allowed in.
6. I took a picture a year ago of this orange chair next to a tree on the property of the former state mental hospital. Every week when I would ride by, the orange chair was still their as if someone attended to its being there on a regular basis. Today was the first time I passed by and did not see it. I looked around and there was nothing. Drove another 9 feet, there it was placed facing away from the oak tree it sat under for so long and now every time there is an idle moment of "ohgod,coulditbethatwearenotthinkingfortwosec-NO!"- I hear two things, 1.) "YouareaBADperson." and 2.) "SOMEONE HAS BEEN SITTING IN THAT ORANGE CHAIR." I took another photograph of it today.
7. The above picture was taken on the night of scenes, also the night of the Roe v. Wade performance. Last night Sam (the beautiful creature on the right in the photo above) and I went to Waffle House. We colored together in our new sketchbooks/journals/hash brown-stained napkins. She brought a box of 120 crayons. That was nice and fun. We were re-introduced to a Vietnam Veteran named Ron who has schizophrenia, but spends his time doing handy jobs for local Pentecostal churches. He is very elderly and kind but I am afraid of him. We then traded sketchbooks, only to discover that on JUNE 9th we both wrote the exact same first lines in our sketchbooks and didn't even know it. That was a truly beautiful moment, we just kind of looked at each other and said, "I told you we were soul mates" with our eyes. We then continued on in the experience of waffle housing and discussed things not of an eternal matter. Then the discussion changed and there we were talking about the end of the world again over diet coke and coffee.
8. "They tell me I'm crazy, but you told me I'm Golden." was part of the first lines.
9. Children all over the world are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
10. God is love.

love, jessieh

Deliver Us From Evil

love, jessieh

Sunday Post: 23 (?) in 2

I will write more soon.

love, jessieh

If you could see this room. (Plans for the soon future)

It is move out time.

The year has gone so fast.

I'm packing up all of my belongings and it is an overwhelming task.
I do not want to leave and moving out assists in my fears that for whatever reason I will not be back, I worry sometimes that I will die over the summer or lose the sanity I have left. These are fears not to be taken so seriously by myself the way I fear screwing up in tap class. Tap class produces feelings of panic so high that I want to throw my tap shoe through the glass studio windows and jump out. I would never do this, of course but the thought comes easily when everyone around me continues practicing their tap combinations at completely different rates so all the tap shoes are clanking in every which way and all that noise, dear God, I hate that noise.

I never realized how afraid of that sound I am, no known reason why, just am.

I've been here and not here for this past week.

Sam and I performed the Roe v. Wade production. We received a standing ovation. People were proud, and excited. The feedback we've received has been comforting and reminds me of why we decided to embrace this controversial topic to begin with. The project is hereby over for now. We may be editing and doing something bigger with it over the summer. I need to find a job, the only problem is I WILL NOT WORK WITH FOOD. That would not be healthy for me. NO WORKING WITH FOOD OR CONSTRUCTION because the smell of construction job sites makes me want to vomit. I hope to visit Jenny in the early part of June. I need to obtain my driver's license. I have yet to do that, I know. I know.

Scenes were performed on Thursday and Friday night. Thursday's performance was much better than Friday's. All of us (the actors) seemed much more focused on listening to each other on Thursday night. Granted there were a few distractions; A LOUD OBNOXIOUS TWO YEAR OLD CRYING, a whole row of ADHD adults who forgot their medication squirming, and people walking in and out of the theatre during the middle of some one's scene.

Thursday night Mere and Aunt Pam and my twins and Jordan came to see it. They are so beautiful, brought beautiful flowers and yummy white chocolate I couldn't eat because it had almonds in it. It was so beautiful though, we went to dinner and then I felt horrible because at dinner my sisters and I didn't really talk much. Mere and I did; which was wonderful and I needed to talk to someone, I've felt so far away from people recently. The twins seemed tired and like they didn't have much to talk about. We don't talk about their school because they hate school. We talked about movies that are coming out but I don't know the up and coming movies. We talk about books but the only book I've been reading the past four weeks in Angels in America: Part One and Two, and trying to explain why I am so compelled by that work is like trying to justify getting stoned out of my mind, driving to Texas, adopting a seven year old, binging on 14 cheeseburgers and then driving back home to introduce the seven year old to my family who is trying to figure out how they are going to afford to send me to school. So, obviously I did not discuss Angels in America. So I talked about school and the year end most of the time and I know THEY MUST GET TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT SCHOOL but I CANNOT HELP IT. I LIVE AT SCHOOL, MOST, STRIKE THAT, ALL OF MY "SOCIAL" LIFE INCLUDES MY STUDIO MEMBERS WHO I SPEND EVERYDAY ALL DAY IN CLASS WITH. Anyway, it is something that concerns me and IfeellikeabadfriendwhenIcanbringnothingmoretothetableofconversationbutthenirealizethattheywillstilllovemeanywayandtheworldisnotgoingtoendsimplybecauseiamcanthinkofnothingmoretodiscuss.

Then on Friday night I had a rather large group of supporters. My Grandeddy and sister Jourdan came. My dear mentors and friends Amy and K.F. came. That was exciting. The two Lindas, both working on behalf of child abuse prevention and understanding came, brought their friend Cheryl. That was nice. They seemed very impressed by the work.

Amy said something that was really encouraging and still is, especially with evaluations approaching, she said: Ya know, at the end we couldn't believe what had just happened, we just sat there in our chairs for a few minutes in awe of what had been done.

It was a special night. I am going to miss working with Jason, as hard headed as he can be sometimes. I am going to mis- No. Save the missings for Wednesday when I have to leave. For now I must go pack.

Yesterday Ms.Hepburn and I went to Pat's (Patrick) house to paint. We repainted his bedroom, from salmon pink to robin's egg blue. The whole room. It was exhausting but semi-relaxing, all that light blue. Then I had my first Sushi experience and it was very tasty, left me with warm fuzzy feelings.

Then we met members of Studio III and Studio IV at a sports grill downtown, sat with them. I don't remember the conversations really. I was in and out. At some point we ended up at the school's courtyard where a dance was going on, a DJ was there. Nothing too thrilling though. Danced for 15 or 20 minutes and then headed back to the destroyed room. It is disgusting. There is barely room to walk in here, both Sam and I are in that stage of packing with everything must be destroyed before it can be clean again. I'm worried I'm not going to have enough boxes. I should have had Mere or Grandeddy bring me some more. Such as life.

Then a terrible series of brain malfunctions occurred; I have little memory of each. Flashbacks, panic attacks, sweaty hands and dead feet. I didn't feel it would be smart to stay in the room by myself so I went to Ms.Hepburn's room and talked about relationship issues and listened to Thomas Dybdahl and did some hardcore reminiscing. I crawled in Lindsay's bed (her roommate, who was originally scheduled to be my roommate but it wasn't organized that way for whatever reason). She wasn't there, she was at home. Lindsay got her first tattoo yesterday. We are all really happy for her, she's been wanting one for a long time. She designed it herself. We will get to see it this afternoon. For next year I am going to make more of an effort to spend more time with Lindsay because she is such a beautiful, fun, outgoing person with a lot of talent and kindness to offer the world. I fell asleep later in Ms.Hepburn's arms to the sound of music. It was nice. I woke up though hours later confused and in nightmare aftermath. Such as life.

I am very hard on myself some days and want everything to be all better but then I breathe and step back and look at how far Grace has brought me and this whole healing journey that I'm on- which believe me if anyone has a problem with phrases like "healing journey" it's me- but I cannot deny what it is. When I look at all of this I realize that I am coping the best ways I can and it is not going to be all better over night and I just need to live moment by moment but-

for now, in this moment I need to clean and pack.

I have two finals tomorrow; one in French and one in Tap. I am equally terrified of the two.

Remember three things today:

1.) God loves.

2.) Children all over the world are being hurt in unimaginable ways.

3.) "So it goes."

and we beat on, praying for the innocents.

love, jessieh

to the readers:

I do not know what to write about.

I miss Jenny. She is away in Italy.

I miss the twins. They light up the world.

Today was orientation day. It was nice to see the rising students, one of whom is going to be our roommate next year. Her name is Jessika. She's quite talented.

Right now, I should be writing an essay on the meaning of Stanislaski's life. Some people spell it "Stanislavsky". I should also be lesson-planning for a 34 year old woman named May who lives in a motel located on the edge of Las Vegas.

Instead I am stopping here to make a list of happenings.

I am terrified about next year. Therapy went well on Friday. I babysit a six year old tomorrow morning. I am excited, I love children. Most people don't think I'd be good with kids because of my slightly cynical nature but I really love small children. They are so creative.

Being around kids is sometimes hard for me and I feel like I am challenging myself every time I spend time with them. Sometimes I feel really depressed after watching a child be a child. But it is a very beautiful experience, they just do kid things, play pretend and run around and become horses and lions and dogs and they ask you to be the dog catcher and you can show them card tricks and they don't even try to figure it out, they just revel in the magic of it. Without hesitation or questions.

Tomorrow, Sam and I show the film "Searching for Angela Shelton" and lead a discussion about it. I'm really excited and I hope people show up. We went on the awareness walk on Wednesday. It was nice and personal and small group, and the girls from my Studio tagged along so I am hoping it meant something to them as well. We gave our acting instructor a sexual violence awareness ribbon and he put it on proudly. An advocate from the local rape crisis center is also coming to speak tomorrow night.

My wisdom teeth are coming in and I am finding it hard to avoid my strong temptation to pull them out with pliers. I am still trying to lose weight. I still haven't completed the cover for Journal # 2800.

Our seniors are in a workshop production of Thorton Wilder's Our Town. It is very politically motivated and fresh which makes it so much more than a play about a small town. It's really become a play about many of the social concerns we experience today and it's powerful and I love it.

I'm listening to music right now and I feel relaxed and tired and good.

Scene work is going well. Showcase is May 16th and 17th. That's scary.

Sam and I still have to memorize the Roe v. Wade play.

We perform it on the 16th as well. I'm nervous and terrified.

The toenails are painted. Children everywhere are being abused in unimaginable ways. God loves.

love, jessieh

Sunday Morning Post (Time Flies)

I will write more very soon.

love, jessieh

Sunday Morning Post

If the following picture does not frighten you; nothing will.

Prom was last night. It was slightly enjoyable. There have been worse events in my life.

I have rehearsal today, I'm nervous for some reason. I am going to work some more in Journal #2800 today. I am excited. The cover work is almost done. My stomach hurts from the food last night. I've been eating very little these past seven days. Healthy, but little.

We lost seven pounds last week.

My dear Artconstellation is still away in Italy with her lover. I know they are happy.

I had therapy yesterday morning.

I miss my twins very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very much.

---

Sam: What about my money?

Jessieh: You don't need your money.

Sam: What if The Rapture comes?

Jessieh: Sam, if The Rapture comes you won't need your money.

Sam: Yes I will. I have to pay off Jesus.

---

love, we

April is Sexual Violence Awareness Month

Three videos promoting awareness. Please be warned, these videos (especially the third) may prove triggering. Viewer discretion is strongly advised.

For more information please visit the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) at http://www.rainn.org/. If you are a survivor of sexual violence and are seeking assistance contact RAINN's 24 hour, free, confidential Sexual Assault hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE.







love, jessieh

PS: More awareness oriented blogging to come.

1000 Journals

.we are in line for journal #2800.

love, jessieh

The head pounds. One of those not-here posts.

For some reason today I cannot stop thinking about the Humanities Project.

The beautiful Sam and I are partnering up for this as well. The Roe v. Wade Project has been really wonderful working with her and I am so glad she decided to work with me for all of next year as well. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my role as a survivor of sexual violence in the project. The project's focus is sexual violence awareness through the arts. I often wonder how I would fit in the project if it were not a "personal" thing to me. It's personal for Sam too, personal in different ways. I'm sure I would have the same amounts of compassion and I'm sure my drive to see the end of sexual violence would be the same. I'm not making sense. I received a copy of Ellen Bass and Laura Davis' The Courage to Heal Friday in the mail. We are using it as a resource for the project but I've done some personal interest reading as well.

Sam and I have so much work to do this week for the Roe v. Wade Project. While it is incredibly exciting, it also has a certain level of expectation and stress involved.

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed and am very relieved to know that I do not have school next week. It is going to be nice, to have time to breathe and think and practice and think and write and memorize and read.

The throat hurts, allergies.

Church this morning was beautiful.

Secret # 2, 158, 924:

Whenever I see women outside of abortion clinics with scary pro-life signs, I imagine someone from across the street calling the fire department and I imagine their pro-life signs being sprayed violently. I consider myself a fairly peaceful person and when I see women trying to betray their very right to choose with disturbing anti-choice signs, I want to throw something harmless but irritating at them, give them a pie in the face.

love, jessieh

The soon-to-be sleepless night.

We will not sleep tonight.

There are three essays to be written.

We must finish the play tonight.

The brain is throbbing. We must find a Martha before tomorrow at 3:00pm.

She is nowhere to be found.

Because there is a throbbing happening in the brain, we have decided to make a list instead.

A list of books to be read:

1. Talking Dirty to the Gods by Yusef Komunyakaa
2. Living Out by Lisa Loomer
3. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
4. On the Road by Jack Kerouac
5. Prozac Nation Young and Depressed in America: a memoir by Elizabeth Wurtzel
6. White Oleander: a Novel by Janet Fitch
7. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
8. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
9. Everything is Illuminated by Jonathon Safran Foer
10. Safe by Susan Shaw

love, jessieh

Whites Roses for Returns of the Day

A very beautiful person gave these white roses to me, just in time for it being Ash Wednesday and a full moon tonight and the anniversary of something awful. It is in these roses I see God and I know God sees me.

love, jessieh

Tales of the fruitcake, plural

Jessieh: That would be a sight, two evangelists trying to make out-

Ms.Hepburn: it would look like they were speaking in tongues. (no pun intended)

---

Ms.Hepburn: When they were burning my armpit off, I was thinking, "God, why can't I just be Jessieh?"

---

Ms. Hepburn (moments later): Who else has a giant appendage hanging from their armpit under a giant mole they've named Clementine?

---

love, we

PS: Back in October

"It's as if the Universe is bi-polar and isn't taking her meds, and we all know what that means. Mr. Universe has to dodge flying produce and sleep on an air mattress in the spare bedroom."-Heather B. Armstrong, Dooce.com

---

Last October (that sounds weird), I posted a blog with the title: "The news I caught tonight"
Well, I purchased Richard Baer's Switching Time: A Doctor's Harrowing Story of Treating a Woman with 17 Personalities finally.

The odd thing, I just learned that Richard Baer was the name of the Nazi official that ran Aushcwitz concentration camp from May, 1994 to February, 1945. He was found and arrested in 1960. He died, in detention, in 1963.

I wonder if Dr.Richard Baer's parents knew this man existed.
If so. I'm sorry Doc.
---
And in other news:
-Children everywhere are being hurt.
-Jesus loves you.
-Patrick is coming tomorrow to visit.
-Breakfast this morning at the Waffle House was fun.
- On this day in 1890, Alice Sanger became the first female staffer in the White House.
-We finished Ms.Hepburn's Christmas gift (attempt number three now) today. It looks nice. I hope she likes it.
-Finally caught an episode of "The Golden Girls"
-Therapy tomorrow and Friday
-The stomach hurts.
-I'd like a diet coke and a stiff drink, but that is a-whole-other story. No drinks for me.
-I should start reading the next book for English, but I haven't.
-I want to complete The Year of Magical Thinking and Dr.Baer's book first.
-Mary had a really really good day yesterday with the twins and Mere. She left a note.
-The fireworks last night were scary and good.
-New Year's Day is an aware day. It forces people around the globe to pay attention to something, whatever that some-thing may be. For some, it is horrific. For us, it was good this year and I couldn't be more grateful.
-Depression is still here.
-Insomnia is exhausting.
-Finding Angela Shelton is released in less than three months.

love, jessieh

One of the most beautiful girls in the world (see left again)

"and there are stars, shining stars that light up the sky above our heads somewhere I do not remember ever returning to or leaving from." -A.W. Braunwin

love, jessieh

46 things to be said. (Focus. Non-Sense.)

The Good and Bad

1. Jesus loves everyone.

2. I am in Columbia now. Away from school and while the break is refreshing, I see time as a big thing that frightens me. I don't know what to do with myself. I am still so tired and I find it hard to sit still.

3. I miss my roommate, Sam.

4. Patrick is coming to visit the family January 3-5. Granny is going to make him chicken and cheese croissants with cream and chicken soup. He will enjoy it, I'm sure.

5. Tonight, we are attending a Christmas festivity at my uncles house.

6. I wish I could attend church tonight with the twins but my guilt over not being at my uncle's house and the attitudes of accusing selfishness would be too bothersome. I surrender.

7. I spent last night with my twins and it was incredible. The eyes were holding tears back. I will spend Christmas day with them which is exciting.

8. Anxiety plagues me.

9. Star Dust is a fun movie.

10. I'd like to sleep for a long long long long time but feel unable.

11. Christmas hurts.

12. Jenny, I love you.

13. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

14. Lucy, oh Lucy? Where art thou angel of Chicora Lucy?

15. My stomach hurts and I feel fat. Obese, really.

16. There is a sadness here, in this list.

17. I'd like to burn the fiberoptic Christmas Tree in my grandmother's living room.

18. She has wooden floors now.

19. We draw a lot.

20. Evaluations went well at school. They didn't make me cry until the very end and the tears were happy tears.

21. The combination of relatively high-IQ, high levels of emotional sensitivity, being aware, and a history of chronic sexual abuse, rape = a young woman in need of a low quantity of Prozac and some sleeping pills.

22. Reading the book, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I've been crying since page seven.

23. I have yet to purchase Christmas gifts for anyone other than my Acting Instructors.

24. Someone said a broken heart would sting at first then make you stronger- whoever said that, they lied. It isn't the brokenness that makes you strong, it is the sting.

25. You need to visit Dooce.com.

26. Sharon Olds' poetry soothes the heart and reassures the brain.

27. My grandfather hasn't spoken to me in two weeks.

28. Thank you Vivian, Diane, S., Jenny, Angela, Brenda, K.F. and Amy. I love you.

29. Thank you Taylor, Savannah, Jordan, and Jordan. I love you.

30. Thank you Mere and Sigmund. I love you.

31. "Live or die but don't ruin everything." -Anne Sexton

32. I wish you well on the way to the wishing well.

33. The stomach hurts.

34. Never refuse homemade lemonade.

35. Donate a coat this season.

36. If you need a calender, please purchase this one: The Artconstellation Calendar

37. "May you dream you are dreaming in a warm soft bed, and may the voices inside you that fill you with dread make the sound of thousands of angels instead, tonight where you might be laying your head..." -Patty Griffin

38. We are tired. The image at the top of the page is a Mark Manders drawing and at the bottom a photograph by Chpaquette.

39. I have 9 missed calls on my cell phone.

40. Ms. Hepburn, we love you.

41. Yard Guy called yesterday and asked if I would spend time with him today, I said yes. He said he would call. He never did. I have been stood-up for the past 13 years of my life. That's disgusting.

42. I want to attend Julliard or Wellesley College.

43. I have yet to take the SAT.

44. The events from that night have no chronological order.

45. Merry Christmas.

46. Happy Holidays.

love, jessieh

Nerving the stomach.

Today marks the beginning of exam day. I have a French exam that I have not prepared for in appoximately one hour. I am not going to prepare for it. I spent nine hours yesterday in English-exam limbo. I took the English exam this morning and did well. I am a nervous wreck. For gentle and not so gentle reasons.

The gentle reasons:

I have exams all week. French is going to be disgustingly terrible. I looked at the study guide and my brain said, "Qu'est-ce what?" I gave up.

Tonight Studio III performs our scene showcase. I am so scared. I am terrified. And excited. Terribly excited about this. I know that we will feel so good as soon as it is over. As bad as it may go, I mean, worst possible outcome, it will still be much better than it would have been three months ago and this shows growth.

The not-so-gentle reasons

It is less than ten days until Christmas.

I leave for Columbia on Thursday. I am nervous about going home.

I feel disconnected, completely disconnected from the world around me right now.

The Good:

Jesus loves everyone.

Mere and the twins and a very special lady are coming to see the showcase tonight. It will be nice to see them all.

I was able to reconnect with someone who I have been trying to communicate with for nearly six years. The reconnection was a God-ordained one.

The Bad:

I am not hungry ever.

I am not studying for the French Exam. It scares me to much.

love, jessieh

An update from the speakers after all this time.

An update from the speakers:

It has been quite some time since I have actually taken the time to write. Now it seems as though I haven't any idea what to write. Life has been incredibly busy. I am in a scene from James McLure's Laundry and Bourbon, Ms. Hepburn in one of my scene partners, which is exciting. We do not feel that we have really been able to perform the escence of the scene yet and this is disapointing. I dissapoint myself often. The self-esteem is at an alltime low. Thankfully, after over a year of psychotherapy I am able to cope with this more effectively. I can't imagine how many scars there would be on the stomach this year, or how many operations I would have had performed on the esophagus. Self-mutilation and purging are not two examples of healthy coping skills. Every day, I want to throw up my food. By Grace, we do not. School is going by very very fast. really starting to enjoy the modern dance class, pulled the chemistry grade up, failed the last english test, learning to take more and more risks in acting, I am started to feel things, in life and onstage and this excites me. I want more than anything to be able to connect with people and ideas in a way that I haven't been able to before. I also hope to continue organizing things in a way that will allow me to learn so much about the world around me.

This holiday season has been incredibly painful. Most days I spend talking to myself and reminded myself of who I am, and where I am, and what is going on around me. I lose time alot. I forget things often. I spend time in another world, a better place many days and I don't know what happens when I am away there. This is part of living during Christmas. I am fearful that I will not get to spend time with the people I love this year for some horrific reason, yet the logical, the most logical part of my mind that exists tells me that I will.

I am grateful for the love in my life. I am thankful for the life I have and I am sad, very sad everyday.

love, jessieh

"We are the green leaves on December trees."

-Ms.Hepburn, Jessieh, Mary, and Ana