out of function and other matters

we often wonder if anyone in my family ever reads my blog. i doubt it because the few times we have shared it with them, they have seemed a little less than interested. today, i got a voicemail from my mother. I haven't gotten a voicemail or a phone call from my mother in a long long long long time. It was stunning. It was quite obvious that she hasn't left a voicemail for me in an even longer time. She didn't even know what to say or how to say it; it was filled with many "ums" and "uhs" and then a really awkward remark about how they didn't miss me. I am still kind of stunned by it because for the first time I am taking a stand and saying, "No. I don't want to live this way, I don't want to be part of such an unhealthy family for the rest of my life." And now she calls. It's slightly upsetting because I was away at school for a year and will be returning soon. The entire time I was at school my parents contacted me maybe, maybe four times. I received more encouragement and excitement from strangers than I did from some of my family members. I am making a lot of choices and decisions right now and some of them are very difficult, I mean it is weird, calling up your family and saying, "Hey, I'm moving out soon, will you still sign my papers for school?" and not only do you get the response of cooperation, of "yes, I will sign them." but it is, "Yes. I will sign your papers, do you need help with the boxes?". I was a little frazzled by this response, just a little-really not that much, it was more like a stunned weirdness than anything else; I was a little bit upset. I don't really know why though. Then after talking about it and over it, we came to a conclusion; I mean IT IS A GOOD THING THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO HELP ME, and while it may be A LITTLE WEIRD that they aren't trying to fight me on this, I mean I didn't want them to fight me, I prayed that God would guide this process and I mean the less confusion the better. It would be mass-confusion if they didn't want to sign my papers, if they didn't offer to help me move. It is a good thing and it is what I really wanted. I wanted them to help me, because it makes things easier and there is nothing confusing about having a family who says, "Here, let me help you leave." But there is something sort of odd and painful about it but I guess that's typical behavior given the fact that it is all so dysfunctional anyway. As much as I don't want to admit it, any help they can offer me is going to be greatly appreciated. We have so much to figure out and we are trying not to worry or be anxious about any of this stuff, there is so much more to focus on in the next month.

Jenny leaves tomorrow. We are in complete denial. We don't want her to leave. She tried on wedding dresses today. It was so beautiful. She was in bed on Monday and Tuesday, sick with a flu she caught from two carrier monkeys on the flight out here. She flew in last Friday,on a very small-very-Mid-Western airline where instead of offering pretzels and the complimentary snack, the flight attendant came by with a tub of individually wrapped cheeseburgers. She declined and was then contaminated by the two little boy-human-carrier monkeys sitting beside her. So, two full days of her four full days with us, she was in bed and we didn't get much work on the mural done, so now I am going to be finishing it when she returns. I am a little intimidated by this task but I'm sure it will work out.

I will write more and post pictures soon.

love, jessieh

Just opened from CNN

...New DNA evidence in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case does not match that of anyone in her family, a prosecutor says.

I'm still in Minnesota. Jenny leaves bright and early tomorrow. That saddens us.

This settles.

love, jessieh

Anewsrant & A Artconstellation

First.

Jenny (Artconstellation) did something beautiful in honor of the soon-coming father's day. Okay, she didn't (to my knowledge) set out to do this as a father's day thing, but it so appropriately fell in place that it was hard to notice and when someone does something that is so incredible- I think it needs to be talked about. I love Jenny but that is not exactly why I am writing. I am writing because the idea of what she did is really big in my brain and it is hardtoholdontofortoolong or I want to crawl somewhere and make myself go to bed.

She made a business card, you know those really inexpensive order-online business cards advertising her work and her blog and herself as person(hood). Okay, wait, back up- in order for this to make sense I should introduce Jenny. She is a very big superhero of mine. The following information can be found on her blog but this is a little summary: She is a survivor of seventeen years of horrific sexual abuse. Her father was her abuser, this of course, is one of many reasons why father's day is not exactly the best of days for her. She is also an artist, who is about to move to Italy to marry the love of her life and continue her art career.

But the really-big-deal-happy thing that we are writing about is this:

The Incredible poet Sharon Olds wrote a poem called I go back to May 1937. The last lines are "I say Do what you are going to do, and I will tell about it." Instead of clinging to that safe place of non-motivating, yet really really expressive and healthy anger- Jenny is doing something more. She is telling about it. About her experience as an artist, about her experience as a woman trying to cope with 17 years (please take a moment and realize this is how long I have been alive) of terror, while living with other inner people, and managing to somehow stay intact enough to impact others and encourage and brighten and try to move her two cats to Italy, so that she can get married (which if you haven't seen the statistics about marriage and sexual abuse and DID, you should look into it), and promote awareness and kindness and an END TO WORLD GONE WRONGNESS. This is the woman we are talking about. This year for father's day, she is going to be telling about it. Before she leaves for Italy she will be making a trip to another part of the US and her cards will be going with her, they will be left in every public (and private) place she encounters. Then, she is off to Italy where her cards will be spread throughout another country and each one labels her as an artist, a writer, and a sexual abuse survivor. Imagine all of the people that will encounter this statement of

"Yes this horrible horribleness happened

and Yes I am telling about it

and Yes there is something we can all do to end this sickness

and Yes you are not alone. "

I am in awe of her strength and I am so excited for what is to come.

A picture of the business card can be found here. (It wouldn't load on my blog for some odd reason. I will try again soon.)

Second.

The news reporter for the local news just said, "A local pastor is accused of the unthinkable with a child". The "unthinkable" that was being referenced is the sexual molestation of a teenager. While I AM COMPLETELY GRATEFUL that the media is actually covering it and not minimizing the severe nature of the crime, I realizeWE REALLY DO HAVE A HUGE HUGE PROBLEM WITH DENIAL AND NOT LOOKING AT REALITY IN THIS COUNTRY IF THE "UNTHINKABLE" is a teenager being molested. This is not unthinkable, this (being SEXUAL VIOLENCE) is happening every single moment of every single day. 1 out of every 3 girls will be the victim of attempted or completed sexual violence before she turns 18. This is not unthinkable. I've been reading/writing/drawing/trying to forget/hearing/living/dealing/coping with/THINKING about it for a LONG LONG TIME.

love, jessieh

PS: Anne Frank would have turned 79 yesterday. In case we didn't already say that.

The magical hunk of kitty cat goodness.

IF THIS DOESN'T JUST MAKE YOUR EASTER EVE, NOTHING EVER WILL:

Learn more about the incredibly beautiful owner of this feline named Lloyd and find more of the Magical Hunk at artconstellation.blogspot.com

love, jessieh