A poem by Susanne Parker

When we are well
We will do all the things that normal people do.

We'll wear modest, stylish attire
Befitting our age. I'll have a silver chain
With a pendant made from some exotic stone,
And you'll admire it when we meet at the cafe
For a catch up chat.

I'll talk about my husband
(I'll have one of those by then)
And you will, too. And you'll tell me
How he bought a dog for your little boy.
And you'll buy my coffee but I'll leave the tip
In nickels on the glass top table. Boring little things.

I'll still remember that there are scissor
scars on your stomach, but I won't look there. And if
You glance at my jaw and it is swollen,
You won't mention the screws.
Noone will think it strange that you order only cold drinks-
After all, it's a hot day.

Before we get up to leave
Our eyes will meet across the table.
We'll only smile. Only go back
To those normal, normal
normal deeds.

Strangers will wonder how we discover so much joy
At merely being alive.

The little or big black dogs.

On memory:

"We had a black dog when I was little. It would knock me down and bust open my lip every time we let it out ( at least once a week). It lived in our backyard.
That's alot of information to not be privy to." - Gingoneous

We will write more soon.
love, jessieh

Sub-memories

"These were not memories. These were sub-memories. Images from a place beneath the waking world, deeper than a dream, a place where logic dissolved. It was beyond remembering. It was knowing." - Tim O'Brien, In The Lake Of The Woods

----

{.thank you to Denis Darzacq for the clear explain-ation.}

.post-therapy madness.

love, jessieh

.ten/notes/of/the/evening.

1. This quote: (Roughly) "Eating disorders are not the real problem-people have much bigger problems and they are taking it out on their food."- Jenny (Artconstellation)
2. Two pairs of blue jeans were purchased on behalf of my body.
3. I AM NOW OFFICIALLY LEAVING FOR MINNESOTA ON JUNE 30TH. (PLEASE SEE COUNTDOWN CLOCK ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE SCREEN, RIGHT ABOVE THE MUSIC PLAYER THAT SAYS "MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIKE ANI DIFRANCO". CLICK ON THAT WHILE YOU ARE AT IT.) THE PLANE TICKET HAS BEEN PURCHASED AND WE ARE READY TO GO!
4. I'm working on something special starting tonight.
5. Thanks to a Ginger, I'm not only journaling in the most beautiful handmade journal in the world but I'm also learning (okay, so attempting to learn) how to use a camera and while I don't really know that much I do know that the smaller the number on the f-stop (? probablyscrewedthatup?), the more light that is allowed in.
6. I took a picture a year ago of this orange chair next to a tree on the property of the former state mental hospital. Every week when I would ride by, the orange chair was still their as if someone attended to its being there on a regular basis. Today was the first time I passed by and did not see it. I looked around and there was nothing. Drove another 9 feet, there it was placed facing away from the oak tree it sat under for so long and now every time there is an idle moment of "ohgod,coulditbethatwearenotthinkingfortwosec-NO!"- I hear two things, 1.) "YouareaBADperson." and 2.) "SOMEONE HAS BEEN SITTING IN THAT ORANGE CHAIR." I took another photograph of it today.
7. The above picture was taken on the night of scenes, also the night of the Roe v. Wade performance. Last night Sam (the beautiful creature on the right in the photo above) and I went to Waffle House. We colored together in our new sketchbooks/journals/hash brown-stained napkins. She brought a box of 120 crayons. That was nice and fun. We were re-introduced to a Vietnam Veteran named Ron who has schizophrenia, but spends his time doing handy jobs for local Pentecostal churches. He is very elderly and kind but I am afraid of him. We then traded sketchbooks, only to discover that on JUNE 9th we both wrote the exact same first lines in our sketchbooks and didn't even know it. That was a truly beautiful moment, we just kind of looked at each other and said, "I told you we were soul mates" with our eyes. We then continued on in the experience of waffle housing and discussed things not of an eternal matter. Then the discussion changed and there we were talking about the end of the world again over diet coke and coffee.
8. "They tell me I'm crazy, but you told me I'm Golden." was part of the first lines.
9. Children all over the world are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
10. God is love.

love, jessieh

Deliver Us From Evil

love, jessieh

Sunday Post: 23 (?) in 2

I will write more soon.

love, jessieh

If you could see this room. (Plans for the soon future)

It is move out time.

The year has gone so fast.

I'm packing up all of my belongings and it is an overwhelming task.
I do not want to leave and moving out assists in my fears that for whatever reason I will not be back, I worry sometimes that I will die over the summer or lose the sanity I have left. These are fears not to be taken so seriously by myself the way I fear screwing up in tap class. Tap class produces feelings of panic so high that I want to throw my tap shoe through the glass studio windows and jump out. I would never do this, of course but the thought comes easily when everyone around me continues practicing their tap combinations at completely different rates so all the tap shoes are clanking in every which way and all that noise, dear God, I hate that noise.

I never realized how afraid of that sound I am, no known reason why, just am.

I've been here and not here for this past week.

Sam and I performed the Roe v. Wade production. We received a standing ovation. People were proud, and excited. The feedback we've received has been comforting and reminds me of why we decided to embrace this controversial topic to begin with. The project is hereby over for now. We may be editing and doing something bigger with it over the summer. I need to find a job, the only problem is I WILL NOT WORK WITH FOOD. That would not be healthy for me. NO WORKING WITH FOOD OR CONSTRUCTION because the smell of construction job sites makes me want to vomit. I hope to visit Jenny in the early part of June. I need to obtain my driver's license. I have yet to do that, I know. I know.

Scenes were performed on Thursday and Friday night. Thursday's performance was much better than Friday's. All of us (the actors) seemed much more focused on listening to each other on Thursday night. Granted there were a few distractions; A LOUD OBNOXIOUS TWO YEAR OLD CRYING, a whole row of ADHD adults who forgot their medication squirming, and people walking in and out of the theatre during the middle of some one's scene.

Thursday night Mere and Aunt Pam and my twins and Jordan came to see it. They are so beautiful, brought beautiful flowers and yummy white chocolate I couldn't eat because it had almonds in it. It was so beautiful though, we went to dinner and then I felt horrible because at dinner my sisters and I didn't really talk much. Mere and I did; which was wonderful and I needed to talk to someone, I've felt so far away from people recently. The twins seemed tired and like they didn't have much to talk about. We don't talk about their school because they hate school. We talked about movies that are coming out but I don't know the up and coming movies. We talk about books but the only book I've been reading the past four weeks in Angels in America: Part One and Two, and trying to explain why I am so compelled by that work is like trying to justify getting stoned out of my mind, driving to Texas, adopting a seven year old, binging on 14 cheeseburgers and then driving back home to introduce the seven year old to my family who is trying to figure out how they are going to afford to send me to school. So, obviously I did not discuss Angels in America. So I talked about school and the year end most of the time and I know THEY MUST GET TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT SCHOOL but I CANNOT HELP IT. I LIVE AT SCHOOL, MOST, STRIKE THAT, ALL OF MY "SOCIAL" LIFE INCLUDES MY STUDIO MEMBERS WHO I SPEND EVERYDAY ALL DAY IN CLASS WITH. Anyway, it is something that concerns me and IfeellikeabadfriendwhenIcanbringnothingmoretothetableofconversationbutthenirealizethattheywillstilllovemeanywayandtheworldisnotgoingtoendsimplybecauseiamcanthinkofnothingmoretodiscuss.

Then on Friday night I had a rather large group of supporters. My Grandeddy and sister Jourdan came. My dear mentors and friends Amy and K.F. came. That was exciting. The two Lindas, both working on behalf of child abuse prevention and understanding came, brought their friend Cheryl. That was nice. They seemed very impressed by the work.

Amy said something that was really encouraging and still is, especially with evaluations approaching, she said: Ya know, at the end we couldn't believe what had just happened, we just sat there in our chairs for a few minutes in awe of what had been done.

It was a special night. I am going to miss working with Jason, as hard headed as he can be sometimes. I am going to mis- No. Save the missings for Wednesday when I have to leave. For now I must go pack.

Yesterday Ms.Hepburn and I went to Pat's (Patrick) house to paint. We repainted his bedroom, from salmon pink to robin's egg blue. The whole room. It was exhausting but semi-relaxing, all that light blue. Then I had my first Sushi experience and it was very tasty, left me with warm fuzzy feelings.

Then we met members of Studio III and Studio IV at a sports grill downtown, sat with them. I don't remember the conversations really. I was in and out. At some point we ended up at the school's courtyard where a dance was going on, a DJ was there. Nothing too thrilling though. Danced for 15 or 20 minutes and then headed back to the destroyed room. It is disgusting. There is barely room to walk in here, both Sam and I are in that stage of packing with everything must be destroyed before it can be clean again. I'm worried I'm not going to have enough boxes. I should have had Mere or Grandeddy bring me some more. Such as life.

Then a terrible series of brain malfunctions occurred; I have little memory of each. Flashbacks, panic attacks, sweaty hands and dead feet. I didn't feel it would be smart to stay in the room by myself so I went to Ms.Hepburn's room and talked about relationship issues and listened to Thomas Dybdahl and did some hardcore reminiscing. I crawled in Lindsay's bed (her roommate, who was originally scheduled to be my roommate but it wasn't organized that way for whatever reason). She wasn't there, she was at home. Lindsay got her first tattoo yesterday. We are all really happy for her, she's been wanting one for a long time. She designed it herself. We will get to see it this afternoon. For next year I am going to make more of an effort to spend more time with Lindsay because she is such a beautiful, fun, outgoing person with a lot of talent and kindness to offer the world. I fell asleep later in Ms.Hepburn's arms to the sound of music. It was nice. I woke up though hours later confused and in nightmare aftermath. Such as life.

I am very hard on myself some days and want everything to be all better but then I breathe and step back and look at how far Grace has brought me and this whole healing journey that I'm on- which believe me if anyone has a problem with phrases like "healing journey" it's me- but I cannot deny what it is. When I look at all of this I realize that I am coping the best ways I can and it is not going to be all better over night and I just need to live moment by moment but-

for now, in this moment I need to clean and pack.

I have two finals tomorrow; one in French and one in Tap. I am equally terrified of the two.

Remember three things today:

1.) God loves.

2.) Children all over the world are being hurt in unimaginable ways.

3.) "So it goes."

and we beat on, praying for the innocents.

love, jessieh

to the readers:

I do not know what to write about.

I miss Jenny. She is away in Italy.

I miss the twins. They light up the world.

Today was orientation day. It was nice to see the rising students, one of whom is going to be our roommate next year. Her name is Jessika. She's quite talented.

Right now, I should be writing an essay on the meaning of Stanislaski's life. Some people spell it "Stanislavsky". I should also be lesson-planning for a 34 year old woman named May who lives in a motel located on the edge of Las Vegas.

Instead I am stopping here to make a list of happenings.

I am terrified about next year. Therapy went well on Friday. I babysit a six year old tomorrow morning. I am excited, I love children. Most people don't think I'd be good with kids because of my slightly cynical nature but I really love small children. They are so creative.

Being around kids is sometimes hard for me and I feel like I am challenging myself every time I spend time with them. Sometimes I feel really depressed after watching a child be a child. But it is a very beautiful experience, they just do kid things, play pretend and run around and become horses and lions and dogs and they ask you to be the dog catcher and you can show them card tricks and they don't even try to figure it out, they just revel in the magic of it. Without hesitation or questions.

Tomorrow, Sam and I show the film "Searching for Angela Shelton" and lead a discussion about it. I'm really excited and I hope people show up. We went on the awareness walk on Wednesday. It was nice and personal and small group, and the girls from my Studio tagged along so I am hoping it meant something to them as well. We gave our acting instructor a sexual violence awareness ribbon and he put it on proudly. An advocate from the local rape crisis center is also coming to speak tomorrow night.

My wisdom teeth are coming in and I am finding it hard to avoid my strong temptation to pull them out with pliers. I am still trying to lose weight. I still haven't completed the cover for Journal # 2800.

Our seniors are in a workshop production of Thorton Wilder's Our Town. It is very politically motivated and fresh which makes it so much more than a play about a small town. It's really become a play about many of the social concerns we experience today and it's powerful and I love it.

I'm listening to music right now and I feel relaxed and tired and good.

Scene work is going well. Showcase is May 16th and 17th. That's scary.

Sam and I still have to memorize the Roe v. Wade play.

We perform it on the 16th as well. I'm nervous and terrified.

The toenails are painted. Children everywhere are being abused in unimaginable ways. God loves.

love, jessieh

137 Children removed from polygamist ranch (while we have shopping troubles.)

The following story made breaking news today while I was out struggling to find shoes for the prom I am dreading in a size 9.5. I have recently decided that not only does the fashion industry have their hearts set on selling skirts with less than 3 inches of fabric to my pubescent sibling but they also have no comprehension of it being one of the many reasons why 1 out of every 4 girls in this country now has an STD. I also realized today that I must lose 30 pounds in order to be able to fit into a a pair of jeans. There was ONE size 12 pair of pants in the ENTIRE store today and the store was not small. They had plenty of sizes 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, and even 9. May I state for the record: WHEN I WAS BARELY 100 POUNDS, THE SMALLEST SIZE I COULD FIT INTO WAS A SIZE 8. A SIZE 8 AT BARELY ONE HUNDRED POUNDS. Needless to say I am a little frustrated with the fashion industry's desire to have my hips and my feet fit into something a size 5, 6, or 7. And what is with cutting out the toe on a pair of pumps. That is just ugly. The average foot is not a pretty one. The average woman's body is not a size 7, it is a size 14. Perhaps the money spent making the piece of crap almost 3 inches of denim to make the horrendous skirts I found everywhere in the teen/junior department could be used to add an extra almost 3 inches to the waist of some of those could-be useful blue jeans-

but what am I complaining for; at least we have the ability to buy a pair of blue jeans. Things could be much worse.

Meanwhile, while I am griping about not being able to find a pair of shoes:

ELDORADO, Texas (CNN) -- Dozens more children and young women were removed Saturday from a Texas ranch that is home to members of a polygamist sect, as state workers investigated claims of physical and sexual abuse.

A total of 183 people -- including 137 children -- have been taken away since law enforcement officers raided the compound Thursday night, said Marleigh Meisner, a spokeswoman for the Texas Child Protective Services Division. The children -- most of them girls -- were being interviewed by special investigators, she said.
"We're trying to find out if they're safe," she explained. "We need to know if they have been abused or neglected." Eighteen of the girls have been taken into state custody. Authorities believe that they "had been abused or were at immediate risk of future abuse," said Child Protective Services spokesman Darrell Azar. The others were taken to a nearby civic center. Meisner described them as doing "remarkably well."

Read more about it Here.

love, jessieh

PS: I will write more soon.

Nice morning headlines to wake up to.

-HILLARY CLINTON WINS RHODE ISLAND, OHIO, AND TEXAS!

and

-14 Americans were arrested in child porn sting. Twenty children rescued.

love, jessieh

The soon-to-be sleepless night.

We will not sleep tonight.

There are three essays to be written.

We must finish the play tonight.

The brain is throbbing. We must find a Martha before tomorrow at 3:00pm.

She is nowhere to be found.

Because there is a throbbing happening in the brain, we have decided to make a list instead.

A list of books to be read:

1. Talking Dirty to the Gods by Yusef Komunyakaa
2. Living Out by Lisa Loomer
3. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
4. On the Road by Jack Kerouac
5. Prozac Nation Young and Depressed in America: a memoir by Elizabeth Wurtzel
6. White Oleander: a Novel by Janet Fitch
7. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
8. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
9. Everything is Illuminated by Jonathon Safran Foer
10. Safe by Susan Shaw

love, jessieh

Focus. An update of sorts.

This weekend I began the dreadful task of spring cleaning for the dorm room. I know that it is still February but the longer I ignore this fact, the better I will feel. All of my stuff from the past semester is piled on my bed, and my room looks like the aftermath of a hurricane. It is rather terrifying. I almost had to put a disclaimer on my door in case people decided they wanted to enter the caution zone.

In other news: Last week I had to perform "Toxic" by Britney Spears. The Studio had to vote on a celebrity that is the direct antithesis for what you represent. They chose Britney Spears for me because they believe that I am nothing like her in any way and they wanted to see me adapt her physical life for an acting excercise. I prepared diligently and must say that I believe my studio members were throughly surprised to see me dressed in Britney dress, which basically means underwear, and dance in Britney's style, which basically resembles a striper's dance. The experience was incredibly humbeling and I have more respect now for music artists who can lip-sync and shake their butt at the same time. It is a fairly difficult task. I never thought I would have sympathy for Britney Spears but I do. It's scary what has happened to her.

Patrick and I went out for Valentine's Day. I'm still working on the never-ending play about Roe V. Wade and Abortion. It's coming along slowly but surely.Winter Formal was last night. I've never been one to spend an hour or two getting all dolled up for a dance. In fact, I wasn't going to go. Ms.Hepburn and I were going to stay in, eat our extra large Papa John's cheese pizza and watch Farrah Fawcett in a really terrible film-version of Extremities. When we announced to our studio mates that we would not be attending the winter formal dance they were very upset. we did not move in our ground. we were not going to do it. we were not going to waste our time getting dressed up only to feel self-conscious and ugly for a few hours. it wasn't until i had recieved our pizza and walked into Ms.Hepburn's room that out fell the words, "We could surprise everyone and show up." She looked at me and smiled and then we both realized how much fun that could potentially be. I set the pizza down, she logged off her computer and we immediately started undressing and trying on the dresses in her closet. Everyone was surprised, they screamed when they saw us and the dance wasn't exactly miserable. The look on their faces made feeling ugly for two hours totally worth it.

Today, I am back to early-spring cleaning. I must memorize an older monologue from The Children's Hour and write play journals. I am nervous about next week and I am not sure as to why. My stomach has been hurting for the past few days and the noise in my brain keeps me on edge. My dear friend will be returning from Italy soon. I am excited about this. Today is going by too quickly.

love, jessieh

---

Funniness from when Sam and I pulled an all-nighter:

Sam: Are we even roomates, that's what I wanna' know?

Jessieh: No baby, we're soul mates.

Whites Roses for Returns of the Day

A very beautiful person gave these white roses to me, just in time for it being Ash Wednesday and a full moon tonight and the anniversary of something awful. It is in these roses I see God and I know God sees me.

love, jessieh

46 things to be said. (Focus. Non-Sense.)

The Good and Bad

1. Jesus loves everyone.

2. I am in Columbia now. Away from school and while the break is refreshing, I see time as a big thing that frightens me. I don't know what to do with myself. I am still so tired and I find it hard to sit still.

3. I miss my roommate, Sam.

4. Patrick is coming to visit the family January 3-5. Granny is going to make him chicken and cheese croissants with cream and chicken soup. He will enjoy it, I'm sure.

5. Tonight, we are attending a Christmas festivity at my uncles house.

6. I wish I could attend church tonight with the twins but my guilt over not being at my uncle's house and the attitudes of accusing selfishness would be too bothersome. I surrender.

7. I spent last night with my twins and it was incredible. The eyes were holding tears back. I will spend Christmas day with them which is exciting.

8. Anxiety plagues me.

9. Star Dust is a fun movie.

10. I'd like to sleep for a long long long long time but feel unable.

11. Christmas hurts.

12. Jenny, I love you.

13. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

14. Lucy, oh Lucy? Where art thou angel of Chicora Lucy?

15. My stomach hurts and I feel fat. Obese, really.

16. There is a sadness here, in this list.

17. I'd like to burn the fiberoptic Christmas Tree in my grandmother's living room.

18. She has wooden floors now.

19. We draw a lot.

20. Evaluations went well at school. They didn't make me cry until the very end and the tears were happy tears.

21. The combination of relatively high-IQ, high levels of emotional sensitivity, being aware, and a history of chronic sexual abuse, rape = a young woman in need of a low quantity of Prozac and some sleeping pills.

22. Reading the book, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I've been crying since page seven.

23. I have yet to purchase Christmas gifts for anyone other than my Acting Instructors.

24. Someone said a broken heart would sting at first then make you stronger- whoever said that, they lied. It isn't the brokenness that makes you strong, it is the sting.

25. You need to visit Dooce.com.

26. Sharon Olds' poetry soothes the heart and reassures the brain.

27. My grandfather hasn't spoken to me in two weeks.

28. Thank you Vivian, Diane, S., Jenny, Angela, Brenda, K.F. and Amy. I love you.

29. Thank you Taylor, Savannah, Jordan, and Jordan. I love you.

30. Thank you Mere and Sigmund. I love you.

31. "Live or die but don't ruin everything." -Anne Sexton

32. I wish you well on the way to the wishing well.

33. The stomach hurts.

34. Never refuse homemade lemonade.

35. Donate a coat this season.

36. If you need a calender, please purchase this one: The Artconstellation Calendar

37. "May you dream you are dreaming in a warm soft bed, and may the voices inside you that fill you with dread make the sound of thousands of angels instead, tonight where you might be laying your head..." -Patty Griffin

38. We are tired. The image at the top of the page is a Mark Manders drawing and at the bottom a photograph by Chpaquette.

39. I have 9 missed calls on my cell phone.

40. Ms. Hepburn, we love you.

41. Yard Guy called yesterday and asked if I would spend time with him today, I said yes. He said he would call. He never did. I have been stood-up for the past 13 years of my life. That's disgusting.

42. I want to attend Julliard or Wellesley College.

43. I have yet to take the SAT.

44. The events from that night have no chronological order.

45. Merry Christmas.

46. Happy Holidays.

love, jessieh

Nerving the stomach.

Today marks the beginning of exam day. I have a French exam that I have not prepared for in appoximately one hour. I am not going to prepare for it. I spent nine hours yesterday in English-exam limbo. I took the English exam this morning and did well. I am a nervous wreck. For gentle and not so gentle reasons.

The gentle reasons:

I have exams all week. French is going to be disgustingly terrible. I looked at the study guide and my brain said, "Qu'est-ce what?" I gave up.

Tonight Studio III performs our scene showcase. I am so scared. I am terrified. And excited. Terribly excited about this. I know that we will feel so good as soon as it is over. As bad as it may go, I mean, worst possible outcome, it will still be much better than it would have been three months ago and this shows growth.

The not-so-gentle reasons

It is less than ten days until Christmas.

I leave for Columbia on Thursday. I am nervous about going home.

I feel disconnected, completely disconnected from the world around me right now.

The Good:

Jesus loves everyone.

Mere and the twins and a very special lady are coming to see the showcase tonight. It will be nice to see them all.

I was able to reconnect with someone who I have been trying to communicate with for nearly six years. The reconnection was a God-ordained one.

The Bad:

I am not hungry ever.

I am not studying for the French Exam. It scares me to much.

love, jessieh

An update from the speakers after all this time.

An update from the speakers:

It has been quite some time since I have actually taken the time to write. Now it seems as though I haven't any idea what to write. Life has been incredibly busy. I am in a scene from James McLure's Laundry and Bourbon, Ms. Hepburn in one of my scene partners, which is exciting. We do not feel that we have really been able to perform the escence of the scene yet and this is disapointing. I dissapoint myself often. The self-esteem is at an alltime low. Thankfully, after over a year of psychotherapy I am able to cope with this more effectively. I can't imagine how many scars there would be on the stomach this year, or how many operations I would have had performed on the esophagus. Self-mutilation and purging are not two examples of healthy coping skills. Every day, I want to throw up my food. By Grace, we do not. School is going by very very fast. really starting to enjoy the modern dance class, pulled the chemistry grade up, failed the last english test, learning to take more and more risks in acting, I am started to feel things, in life and onstage and this excites me. I want more than anything to be able to connect with people and ideas in a way that I haven't been able to before. I also hope to continue organizing things in a way that will allow me to learn so much about the world around me.

This holiday season has been incredibly painful. Most days I spend talking to myself and reminded myself of who I am, and where I am, and what is going on around me. I lose time alot. I forget things often. I spend time in another world, a better place many days and I don't know what happens when I am away there. This is part of living during Christmas. I am fearful that I will not get to spend time with the people I love this year for some horrific reason, yet the logical, the most logical part of my mind that exists tells me that I will.

I am grateful for the love in my life. I am thankful for the life I have and I am sad, very sad everyday.

love, jessieh

"We are the green leaves on December trees."

-Ms.Hepburn, Jessieh, Mary, and Ana

Painting Abortions tonight

today, we painted abortions, the image of them, on blank, colorless sheets of paper.

love, we

Her first Halloween

Esmerelda and Agnes of God With the Magical Waldo
Esmerelda and Sister Twister
and the grand appearance of Mr. Tromsness and Mr. Murray

and guess what: WOMEN OF LOCKERBIE OPENS TONIGHT!

love, jessieh

Donation of the Uterus (and other parts)

love, jessieh

Anorexia, Bulimia, The Food Situation

Readers Note: I am not advocating eating disorders. I am not blaming eating disorders on people reading fashion magazines. I am discussing my own history with eating disorders, and my personal opinions surrounding them. If you are recovering from an eating disorder, I suggest you not read the following blog entry, for it will more than likely not contribute to your recovery. This blog is for my venting interest and I feel like venting right now, so you've had your warning. Feel free to proceed...

The past two days I have had this strange desire to deny myself food. It has been a want. There is something wrong with that. I am still eating though, I refuse to allow myself to stop eating. I have never been declared anorexic. I have been miss-diagnosed with bulimia and then re-diagnosed as a bulimic with anorexic tendencies. The most recent diagnosis is recovering bulimic with anorexic tendencies, e.d.n.o.s. That diagnosis came from a quack shrink in purple polyester pants, whom I have little a certain sense of humor towards.

My metabolism is shot. I can't lose weight even in a healthy fashion. My body doesn't allow it anymore. I'm fat, and my self esteem is crap but getting better.

How I feel about food and eating and disorders and the media and the recovery process.

I started purging when I was ten, of course, at the time I didn't know that I was purging. I just knew that the food didn't belong in my stomach, that it was bad, and it needed to come out. What I didn't know at the time was that the real reasons for my purging have never had anything to do with the food I've consumed. I've never really been a binge eater, that's why the diagnosis of bulimia was so off. I've typically speaking, just eaten normal amounts of food and then gone into a bathroom, or somewhere else, and puked. I have binged on several occasions, but I didn't do it alone and I didn't purge alone. I found it gross. It didn't make me feel light and in control when I binged. I only feel light and in control when I control how much I eat and I make it all come out of me.

To be honest, I haven't found anything that has made me feel the same way that purging did. I no longer purge because it has already caused me some serious health problems, and I want to be healthy. I want to live my life without feeling like a fraud. Throwing up your food, is a big secret to keep and I'm frankly just tired of secrets. Plus, I know now that it's not the food I've been trying to get rid of, it's a place of pain, and I know that that place of pain is not going away by me hurting myself. It just isn't. I could justify the act of purging in a way that would make the average person want to puke but it wouldn't make purging right. I am learning to do things and develop a passion for them so I can avoid seeking that drive from an eating disorder. My eating disorder has always 'fed' me. I say all of this to conclude, that I am learning to seek other things and I still have a daily battle with food, I'm just not acting on my desire to purge, and it's hasn't been acting on me. I want everyone who reads this to know that I want to purge every single time I eat, but I am making a conscious choice not to.

I'm not organized in my thinking, forgive me.

1. I'm a total hypocrite sometimes because A.) I hate that the movies about eating disorders are all lifetime movies. B.) I hate that they all portray ALL bulimics as freak animals raiding kitchen cabinets and locking themselves in closets with their incapable-of-actually-holding-all-that-food
amount of food in their arms. C.) In these lifetime movies, the bulimic never drinks anything in the midst of her binge. I have never met a bulimic who has consumed the amount of food presented in these movies without drinking plenty of water. It is dangerous to purge as a general statement, it is more dangerous to not binge before purging, it is certainly most dangerous to not drink anything with the food. A serious choking hazard. No one wants to die from their own puke. D.) Despite the fact that these lifetime movie specials really irritate me, I enjoy watching them, they make me feel stronger for some reason. I know, it's pretty pathetic.

2. This heavy amount of blame placed on the media for eating disorders is wrong. We are placing the blame in the wrong places. The media encourages people to be dangerously thin yes, but eating disorders are not REALLY about being thin. Eating disorders are an unhealthy venue for control (among other things) masqueraded by the desire to be thin. If I feel worthless and ugly after reading a beauty magazine, I was feeling that way before I read it. Seeing someone skinny in a magazine doesn't automatically develop a low self esteem, it just helps in the process. I think we need to focus on the other contributing factors to eating disorders. These other factors most often include childhood trauma (i.e. sexual or physical abuse), they include emotional and personality disorders, family pressures, and some believe genetics are involved. I'm not saying that we ignore the fact that the media does play a role, I am just suggesting we address the other issues at hand. I know that a magazine model had nothing to do with me puking up my Ramen noodles in a bag underneath my bed at ten years old. It just didn't.

3. There was initially something meant for three, but for now I'm going to give myself a rest and go grab a diet coke. I hope someone will comment.

4. If you or someone you know is battling an eating disorder and needs assistance I suggest you refer to the resource list provided by the National Eating Disorders Association at http://www.edap.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=384.


love, jessieh