An update from the speakers:
It has been quite some time since I have actually taken the time to write. Now it seems as though I haven't any idea what to write. Life has been incredibly busy. I am in a scene from James McLure's Laundry and Bourbon, Ms. Hepburn in one of my scene partners, which is exciting. We do not feel that we have really been able to perform the escence of the scene yet and this is disapointing. I dissapoint myself often. The self-esteem is at an alltime low. Thankfully, after over a year of psychotherapy I am able to cope with this more effectively. I can't imagine how many scars there would be on the stomach this year, or how many operations I would have had performed on the esophagus. Self-mutilation and purging are not two examples of healthy coping skills. Every day, I want to throw up my food. By Grace, we do not. School is going by very very fast. really starting to enjoy the modern dance class, pulled the chemistry grade up, failed the last english test, learning to take more and more risks in acting, I am started to feel things, in life and onstage and this excites me. I want more than anything to be able to connect with people and ideas in a way that I haven't been able to before. I also hope to continue organizing things in a way that will allow me to learn so much about the world around me.
This holiday season has been incredibly painful. Most days I spend talking to myself and reminded myself of who I am, and where I am, and what is going on around me. I lose time alot. I forget things often. I spend time in another world, a better place many days and I don't know what happens when I am away there. This is part of living during Christmas. I am fearful that I will not get to spend time with the people I love this year for some horrific reason, yet the logical, the most logical part of my mind that exists tells me that I will.
I am grateful for the love in my life. I am thankful for the life I have and I am sad, very sad everyday.
love, jessieh
"We are the green leaves on December trees."
-Ms.Hepburn, Jessieh, Mary, and Ana
3 comments:
Oh Jessiah,
I would say stay strong, but I know that saying that doesn't do much. It's good to hear that some things are going well; and I sincerely hope those that aren't will get better very soon!! Only 22 days left until Dec is over...then no more X-mas for another year. You can make it; I believe you are capable of making it.
Much love,
C
Why thank you dear.
Hey Jessieh,
I was in Laundry and Burbon in high school and summer stock. That was so long ago -- about 3,000 in dog years -- that I can't remember the name of the character I played anymore, only that she was married to the more difficult man from Lone Star, the related play. How do you like the play?
I've had, over the course of my life, periodic depressive episodes that nail me to the floor, so I understand some small part of where you are in your life right now. If it helps, it sounds to me like you're doing everything right -- getting to the heart of things through therapy, speaking your truth as you are able, and not hurting yourself.
Thanks for asking about my holidays, they've been OK so far. Be well and be good to yourself.
Jen
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