Since Christmas...

I had a fabulous Christmas.
It was emotionally, the best Christmas in a long time.
On top of that...
I was spoiled by all family.
As I right that I think of how Ms.Hepburn in down in New Orleans now helping with the aftermath of tragedy. So Ms. Hepburn: if you are reading this. I admire your selflessness so much. I wish I could have gone with you. I love you and strive to be more like you. You are one of my role models. I am so glad I got to see you before you left.

Yard guy (the pet name for my biological father) bought me a digital video camera for Christmas. At first, and I sort of still do, feel weird about it. It is technically the first Christmas gift he has ever bought me and for it to be so expensive- just feels awkward. And as bratty as this sounds, I agree with Mumsie Peg who said: well he had a lot of years to make up.

It made me feel better to hear her say it.

My Grandeddy gave Jordan and I both rings with personal messages engraved on the inside.
Mine says, "She talks to Angels".
It's from the song by The Black Crowes*.
It's one of our songs. The other one we have is "Rain on the Roof".
He also gave me eight Rolling Stones Magazines from the early 80s with some of favorite stars like Meryl Streep and Susan Sarandon and Simon and Garfunkel...etc.

My Granny gave me many things but largely contributed to my film collection with
Sybil. It is so beautiful.
Center Stage*
Magic in the Mirror (i watched it as a child and every time i watch it something still sparks inside me)
Songcatcher - Another beautiful film.

I received so many wonderful things..
but enough that.

I spent Christmas Day with the twins and we opened even more goodies at Aunt Pam's.
I filmed the whole experience and it was enjoyable to watch together.

On the 26th I went to see The Nativity Story with my other family. Ms.Dana and Grandmother Webb joined us.
It was truly beautiful.
The whole night was wonderful.
Barnes and Noble where we ran into Gianoelle.
El Chico's.
Laughs.
Smiles.
Hugs.
Warm.

The next night I slept over at their house. We watched the Magic in the Mirror
and Center Stage. They really liked both of them.

I bought "I AM SAM" from Wal-Mart for only $4.88. Get excited.

Savannah thought that Magic in the Mirror was scary.
Taylor crushed on Cooper (from Center Stage). Even though, I think he is a cocky, self-righteous dancer with a nice butt and good feet. In short: a jerk.

I have had a delightful holiday, and to be honest am looking forward to next semester.
I'm gathering things for the Governor's School for the Arts and Humanities application and sorting through everything.

Once again, I apologize for my neglect to the blog.


She talks to Angels:



Center Stage:



Songcatcher:



I am Sam: (the best clip I would find)



Sybil





I wish I could have found clips from Magic in the Mirror. But I couldn't. Sorry.

Be Blessed in the upcoming year.

love, jessieh

Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

I have been neglecting my blog thanks to the inexcuseable busy-ness of the season. Please forgive me.

So to any readers I may have I wish you:

A MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

love, jessieh

how I feel about highschool and theatre.

I pray I make it into Governor's School.
My school has a ______ (i can't think of a proper term) drama program.
I trust that my drama teacher is not reading this.
That would not be good.
I really do think my drama teacher is a sweetheart. She is a little crazy but sweet. She has good intentions.
but.
good intentions...
well, that goes without being said.

I am frustrated with several things.
Every single member of the Fall Production's cast was severely type-casted. She even admits to it herself. On dress rehearsal she was making comments about how "appropriate" some people fit their roles and then said, "well this whole thing was type-casted anyway...*laugh laugh*..." and we all just smiled.
The past two plays, although great plays written by an English teacher at our school, have been drained of all their essential humor because she goes in and removes any word, phrase, or joke that could be considered "suggestive" humor. Now- I'm a self proclaimed prude, and for me to think something is admissible...that's all I'm saying.
I need to get into Governor's School.
I wish the head of admissions would return my call and send me two applications. That would be lovely.
I am worried about finding the perfect monologues. I feel I need to lose more weight before the auditions.
I need to have my teeth filed. Thanks Marilyn for the insecurities.
I need to do so many things.

As for now...
here is a picture...
Bad makeup. The play took place in the 80s. It' s our cast picture from "Breaking News: a tragic-comedy in three acts" by Jackson Lee Byrant.



I'm the one on the far left. In the black. With a make up line.

Ms. Hepburn. Please comment. I need theatrical support.

about yesterday.

yesterday. i had therapy.
talked more about relaxation and distraction therapy.
that's the non-technical name.
then after school i went home.
got ready to go to Dallas' Christmas concert with the twins.
We ate Zaxby's. It was yummy. Food always test better when you eat it very fast.
We were running late.
The concert was beautiful.
They did a very impressive job for a high school chorus.
because of blogging, i've been neglecting my handwritten journal named Joan.
She misses me.
I've got to be more commited to our relationship.
I've been reading a really interesting collection of short stories.
Mr. Byrant loaned it to me. It's called "The Vintage Book of Contemporary American Short Stories" edited by Tobias Wolff
There is an author in there named Dorothy Allison, whom I am officially in love with.
I've read parts of Bastard Out of Carolina and didn't even realize it was the same author.
This morning.
I've been doing alot of writing.
Reading.
Meditation and praying.
I found this- this morning.
It's the trailor for a film called Broken that I can not wait to see.



or click here

tired. short blog.

It's almost eleven o'clock at night. I am tired. It's been a long day. I will write about it tommorow. Note: I've completed two letters to my younger self. This is progress.

jessieh talks about Ms.Hepburn. go figure.

right now. i'm working on adding videos here...
long process. it's taking awhile.
so, i've officially spent about 1/13th of my day on the phone with Ms.Hepburn.
That is what I call, time well spent.

One of these days we have already decided we are writing each other's biographies.

She is such an incredibly beautiful person and she means so much to me.

She had this genius idea I hope you follows through with about a creative arts project.

We need to get back to our co-writing abilities. We both have this horrible habit or procrastinating.

Ok.
So this week has been rough.
Very rough. Feeling paranoid. anxious. highly emotional.

I saw Mrs.Field today at Northside.
She always makes my day. Always makes me smile.
Gives me space to feel openly and not be afraid.
I feel safe around her. I feel kind of like I do around Mere, around the twins, or around Ms. Hepburn.

I need to start working on my essay for Governor's School.
It's about taking risk in art.
I'm not sure what I want to write about.
It seems like it wouldn't be so difficult.
I guess the biggest risk I've found is the exposure in art.
As an artist, your primary goal, although you never consider it that, is to be exposed.
If you are not exposed in someway, you are not an artist.
If you are not exposed, you are in someway mocking art.

I'm keeping it short for tonight.
I wish the world a nice sleep.

Note about questions and God

Note to someone else who decided to speak:
your comment this morning: Jessieh likes to question God.
was not:
amusing
true
necessary
asked for
confident enough to be directed to me, as opposed to about me.
it did however
let me know that you obviously don't know very much about "jessieh"
express your feelings
confirm once again my idea that maybe you really could care less about me or how i feel
remind me to question everything, including how you feel about me
i should tell you something:
i do at times, especially these times, question God. I question many things. I have a few questions i'd like to personally ask God. He is well aware of that. I do not however, "like to question God". The word like implies that it is a pass time activity for me, a hobby of some sort. The word like implies that I enjoy asking questions.
No.
Questioning God and knowing truth at the same time has become a torment for me.
and yes
I know I take things entirely too seriously.
Questions come with experience. The more experience, the more questions.
I can't help but to have questions.
I wish I could just live life without explanations. I might even make it a new years resolution, but until then it would be nice if you could try and refrain from making such open ended judgemental statements about me. If this is too difficult, try saying them to me. Say, "You like to question God." By doing this you make it a conversation piece. By saying "Jessieh", you gave "her" no room to argue. No room to defend herself. No room for me.
I love you. I really do.
PS: In the future, something might happen that allows for questions. You might question God. I promise, if that day comes, I won't question you and God will not mind the questions.

hurting.

Mary is not okay.

manic monday continued...

This is the daily life page for Jessieh Speaks.

A lifetime movie plays in the other room.
I'm somehow working on a review for Biology, watching "The Other Woman" (which surprisingly is not about an adulterer) and blogging at the same time...
Multi-tasking or ADD? You choose.
I'm waiting for Blind Injustice to come on at 8pm EST. I love lifetime movies. Some of them.
Blind Injustice is about a blind woman who is attacked and raped in her home and then gets even with the monster who violated her. It is sure to be a lovely film.
Today, has been a rough day. Long day. Another Monday.
I've been in a pretty crappy mood the past few days. Not really sure what that relates to.
I've been analyzing it.
Perhaps it's the holidays. Christmas is an emotionally triggering time of year for me. Perhaps is hormones. Perhaps it the fact that I have intimacy issues and I feel like my best friends in the whole world don't love me, even though I logically know they do...
It could be any of these things. or a combination of the three.
This is how the day went: and it is oh so very interesting.

At home: Woke up too early. went back to sleep. Woke up again. Answered phone, it was Grandeddy. Took shower. Got dressed. Went outside to wait on my ride with a damp head.

On the way to school: Called Grandeddy back. Listened to the twins discuss how bad they feel about their friend Dallas' dog having to be put to sleep. I was trying to be sympathetic. It wasn't working. I complained about Taylor not answering the phone all day yesterday and wanted to know if it was personal. That's productive. As we pulled up at school, Savannah and I went inside because Taylor was talking privately with Mere... I was irritated because I have this selfish fear that when people talk privately they are talking about me. Almost cried over something so simple.

1st block: more presentations on deviant behavior, and review for a quiz tomorrow on population and economy.
2nd block: newspaper. i took pictures (see below)... and finished my lab for biology.
3rd block: French. I learned the verb: mettre. Je mets, Tu mets, Il/Elle/On met, Nous metton, Vous mettez, Elles mettent... For the french scholars, I hope I spelled all of that that correctly.. If not, I apologize. Desole. Got dizzy because of the Christmas lights decorating Ms. Tucker's board. Wanted to scream.
4th block: Biology. Need I say more?

On the way home: I told Mere and Taylor how crappy I've been feeling. Tried to tune out the Christmas music in the background. Listened to how bad everyone felt that Dallas had to have her dog put to sleep. Savannah called Dallas to see "how she was holding up", Taylor did her Algebra homework against her will, Mere told Dallas how sorry she was about Crane (the dog) and almost started crying. It's sweet really... I wish I could have so much compassion for someone whose dog died. I'm the one who needs to find some empathy, sympathy, some pathy... something. I've got it for abused children, people dying of cancer, a woman whose husband just left her for someone half her age, the prostitutes on two notch road, and I even have feelings for or about the elderly lady I visited last night... I need to find something inside me for Crane. We picked up Jordan, the girls told him about their plans to make "In Memory" Tshirts for Dallas. Dropped me off.
"Bye Jessieh". Bye.
Checked mail. Received an upcoming Programs guide from the Governor's School.
Almost called Taylor to say something. I don't know what I would have said, but I resisted.
Turned on TV. Ate left over chicken. Diet coke. Sweet blessings.
Started on Biology review and later came in here to update...

love, jessieh

Just another Manic Monday...

This is the daily life page for:
jessiehspeaks.brinkster.net

For now... it is lunch period. I am working in the Newspaper office... Wanted to add some school life photos I'll decide what I'm going to do with them later...

For all who read:

This is the daily life page for http://jessiehspeaks.brinkster.net/.

As for now, I am very tired. It is around 10:30pm.
I went to school today.
Have yet to present my project in Sociology.
The Newspaper editor, Mr. Byrant, was absent again. We had a very interesting substitute. Strange man.
Attended relaxation therapy. Missed a French Test. We discussed breathing techniques.
Deep-belly breathing. Very uncomfortable with the idea but I will practice the exercise and then decide how it works with controlling anxiety. It makes me think of the Governor's school experience and how Ms.Hepburn and I were partners in a relaxation exercise on the night of the show. I remember her hand on my stomach. I remember being fine and then tick tick tick: not so fine anymore. It was really weird. I love Ms.Hepburn though.
I spent the rest of the evening with my other family to include: Savannah, Taylor, Jordan, Dallas, Mere and Aunt Pam. We ate at a Mexican restaurant.
They just dropped me off.
I have to remember to get a mailing address from Angela Shelton for Mere.
*So Angela, if by some weird chance you are reading this, please e-mail me that if you can.*
It is December 1st. I am sleepy and probably sound a little on the stupid side. With tomorrow comes the weekend, I work tomorrow.
I'm actually looking forward to it.

love, jessieh