Anorexia, Bulimia, The Food Situation

Readers Note: I am not advocating eating disorders. I am not blaming eating disorders on people reading fashion magazines. I am discussing my own history with eating disorders, and my personal opinions surrounding them. If you are recovering from an eating disorder, I suggest you not read the following blog entry, for it will more than likely not contribute to your recovery. This blog is for my venting interest and I feel like venting right now, so you've had your warning. Feel free to proceed...

The past two days I have had this strange desire to deny myself food. It has been a want. There is something wrong with that. I am still eating though, I refuse to allow myself to stop eating. I have never been declared anorexic. I have been miss-diagnosed with bulimia and then re-diagnosed as a bulimic with anorexic tendencies. The most recent diagnosis is recovering bulimic with anorexic tendencies, e.d.n.o.s. That diagnosis came from a quack shrink in purple polyester pants, whom I have little a certain sense of humor towards.

My metabolism is shot. I can't lose weight even in a healthy fashion. My body doesn't allow it anymore. I'm fat, and my self esteem is crap but getting better.

How I feel about food and eating and disorders and the media and the recovery process.

I started purging when I was ten, of course, at the time I didn't know that I was purging. I just knew that the food didn't belong in my stomach, that it was bad, and it needed to come out. What I didn't know at the time was that the real reasons for my purging have never had anything to do with the food I've consumed. I've never really been a binge eater, that's why the diagnosis of bulimia was so off. I've typically speaking, just eaten normal amounts of food and then gone into a bathroom, or somewhere else, and puked. I have binged on several occasions, but I didn't do it alone and I didn't purge alone. I found it gross. It didn't make me feel light and in control when I binged. I only feel light and in control when I control how much I eat and I make it all come out of me.

To be honest, I haven't found anything that has made me feel the same way that purging did. I no longer purge because it has already caused me some serious health problems, and I want to be healthy. I want to live my life without feeling like a fraud. Throwing up your food, is a big secret to keep and I'm frankly just tired of secrets. Plus, I know now that it's not the food I've been trying to get rid of, it's a place of pain, and I know that that place of pain is not going away by me hurting myself. It just isn't. I could justify the act of purging in a way that would make the average person want to puke but it wouldn't make purging right. I am learning to do things and develop a passion for them so I can avoid seeking that drive from an eating disorder. My eating disorder has always 'fed' me. I say all of this to conclude, that I am learning to seek other things and I still have a daily battle with food, I'm just not acting on my desire to purge, and it's hasn't been acting on me. I want everyone who reads this to know that I want to purge every single time I eat, but I am making a conscious choice not to.

I'm not organized in my thinking, forgive me.

1. I'm a total hypocrite sometimes because A.) I hate that the movies about eating disorders are all lifetime movies. B.) I hate that they all portray ALL bulimics as freak animals raiding kitchen cabinets and locking themselves in closets with their incapable-of-actually-holding-all-that-food
amount of food in their arms. C.) In these lifetime movies, the bulimic never drinks anything in the midst of her binge. I have never met a bulimic who has consumed the amount of food presented in these movies without drinking plenty of water. It is dangerous to purge as a general statement, it is more dangerous to not binge before purging, it is certainly most dangerous to not drink anything with the food. A serious choking hazard. No one wants to die from their own puke. D.) Despite the fact that these lifetime movie specials really irritate me, I enjoy watching them, they make me feel stronger for some reason. I know, it's pretty pathetic.

2. This heavy amount of blame placed on the media for eating disorders is wrong. We are placing the blame in the wrong places. The media encourages people to be dangerously thin yes, but eating disorders are not REALLY about being thin. Eating disorders are an unhealthy venue for control (among other things) masqueraded by the desire to be thin. If I feel worthless and ugly after reading a beauty magazine, I was feeling that way before I read it. Seeing someone skinny in a magazine doesn't automatically develop a low self esteem, it just helps in the process. I think we need to focus on the other contributing factors to eating disorders. These other factors most often include childhood trauma (i.e. sexual or physical abuse), they include emotional and personality disorders, family pressures, and some believe genetics are involved. I'm not saying that we ignore the fact that the media does play a role, I am just suggesting we address the other issues at hand. I know that a magazine model had nothing to do with me puking up my Ramen noodles in a bag underneath my bed at ten years old. It just didn't.

3. There was initially something meant for three, but for now I'm going to give myself a rest and go grab a diet coke. I hope someone will comment.

4. If you or someone you know is battling an eating disorder and needs assistance I suggest you refer to the resource list provided by the National Eating Disorders Association at http://www.edap.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=384.


love, jessieh