Reader's Note: I apologize for being so busy. My schedule doesn't allow for much blogging time.
About last night:
Ms.Hepburn invited our studio (Studio 3) to dine together somewhere downtown. Some people excluded themselves from our merry adventure while the ones who did go had a great time, well sort of. We went to a tap room downtown and the food was disgusting. Everything. Even the nasty garlic bread was gross, it took 45 minutes for Ms.Hepburn's nasty food to come out and the waitress was rather irritating. It took much patience. After several interesting judgment calls, we left. Decided on ice-cream. It was a great bonding time. Several of our studio members really opened up with us about things and it was nice to really get to spend time with each other, outside of the studio. Ms.Hepburn and I are calling a Studio meeting for Wednesday night. We will play a of 'truth' and really get to know each other. I'm excited.
And this week:
Since I have been here, I have seriously contemplated the idea of purging five times. I will not purge. The idea, however is very tempting and I feel stronger for having resisted it. I am going to begin a diet on September 1st. I'd like to lose 20 pounds this semester. The physical activity I receive in my classes will certainly help with that.
I feel rather disconnected from the outside world here. There really isn't any access to the world outside of school and I haven't seen the news in over 9 days. It's disturbing. I feel, for the first time in my life, slightly sheltered. My fears and insecurities are heightened here and I have no sense of balance. Today will be devoted to sleep and school work.
My music library on my computer has expanded since I have been here thanks to my school's incredible music library. I haven't spoken to my parents since I have been here and my Grandfather really hates me. He hasn't spoken to me in two weeks. We are incredibly close and sometimes he decides that because I am 'selfish' and a horrible person, he doesn't want me to be a part of his life and cuts me off for awhile, gives me a weird silent treatment of sorts. It is immature.
I find myself not wanting to eat here. I am exhausted every day and I have panic attacks often. My close friend is wanting to hate me. I'm not close with anyone here really. I feel myself wanted to draw back, wanting to become as reclusive as possible and never speak to anyone again. I'm menstrual. My throat hurts, my head is pounding and the very thought of the conditioning class on Tuesday sends my thoughts into another world. I want to scream at people for seemingly insignificant things. I hate my body and I hate myself for hating my body.
About last night:
Ms.Hepburn invited our studio (Studio 3) to dine together somewhere downtown. Some people excluded themselves from our merry adventure while the ones who did go had a great time, well sort of. We went to a tap room downtown and the food was disgusting. Everything. Even the nasty garlic bread was gross, it took 45 minutes for Ms.Hepburn's nasty food to come out and the waitress was rather irritating. It took much patience. After several interesting judgment calls, we left. Decided on ice-cream. It was a great bonding time. Several of our studio members really opened up with us about things and it was nice to really get to spend time with each other, outside of the studio. Ms.Hepburn and I are calling a Studio meeting for Wednesday night. We will play a of 'truth' and really get to know each other. I'm excited.
And this week:
Since I have been here, I have seriously contemplated the idea of purging five times. I will not purge. The idea, however is very tempting and I feel stronger for having resisted it. I am going to begin a diet on September 1st. I'd like to lose 20 pounds this semester. The physical activity I receive in my classes will certainly help with that.
I feel rather disconnected from the outside world here. There really isn't any access to the world outside of school and I haven't seen the news in over 9 days. It's disturbing. I feel, for the first time in my life, slightly sheltered. My fears and insecurities are heightened here and I have no sense of balance. Today will be devoted to sleep and school work.
My music library on my computer has expanded since I have been here thanks to my school's incredible music library. I haven't spoken to my parents since I have been here and my Grandfather really hates me. He hasn't spoken to me in two weeks. We are incredibly close and sometimes he decides that because I am 'selfish' and a horrible person, he doesn't want me to be a part of his life and cuts me off for awhile, gives me a weird silent treatment of sorts. It is immature.
I find myself not wanting to eat here. I am exhausted every day and I have panic attacks often. My close friend is wanting to hate me. I'm not close with anyone here really. I feel myself wanted to draw back, wanting to become as reclusive as possible and never speak to anyone again. I'm menstrual. My throat hurts, my head is pounding and the very thought of the conditioning class on Tuesday sends my thoughts into another world. I want to scream at people for seemingly insignificant things. I hate my body and I hate myself for hating my body.
Life is good.
love, jessieh
2 comments:
I'm catching up on your blog here. I'm back to blogging on mine here too because I can access it at work and I can't get on myspace at work. Anyway, I don't understand why anyone would hate you! I'm mad at your granfather! What kind of crap is that? Try not to isolate yourself. That is the first step into the depths of hell when it comes to your eating disorder. Do you really believe that 20 lbs is what you need to lose, and why do you believe this? I'm so glad that you are resisting the urge to purge, but don't replace it with restricting! I've missed you, but I will visit you here more. Come visit my blogspot too! I love you and think that you are amazing and beautiful. Please don't hate yourself. Okay? Good! Love and safe hugs,
Angie
Hey, Bow is going to send me the pocky this week so if you can tell your sister so she can be looking out :D thanks.
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