A small, rather pointless list:
1. Applying to more than twenty colleges. I should be slapped.
2. I have been out of touch for more than a few days.
3. I ate organic yogurt last night with pineapple and white chocolate chips and I don’t feel the least bit guilty about it.
4. I am trying to lose weight.
5. Standardized Testing says nothing about a person’s true intelligence.
6. I have decided that I belong at a Women’s College.
7. Sam and I presented our project on Tuesday.
8. Now the real work begins, with V-DAY and RAINN and the original play we are writing.
9. Christmas is coming soon.
10. I am going to Chicago to audition for schools in February.
11. We will be there the 3rd , 4th , and 5th. Scary.
12. Thanksgiving was surprisingly borderline painless.
13. I drove a good thirty miles to speak to my father’s father- who I haven’t spoken to in some good number of years. He is dying. We said goodbye.
14. My life is being ruled by college applications.
15. I haven’t been having real human conversations with people about anything meaningful.
16. I am stressed to a maximum stress point over the everyday, common experience of a person my age for one of the first times in my life and I must say, it is a relief in some ways.
17. The brain has been on fire for the last two or three weeks.
18. The Greek Shows are over and I miss Andromache and Adonica very much.
19. Children everywhere are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
20. There is a God.
12.04.2008
11.17.2008
Loaded Words
Stay away from the treehouse
don't separate the two words, tree and house, they
are both together, in whole, forbidden
synonym to swimmingpool, but pull those apart;
constantly waiting to see what it is that you are
waiting for.
zero. hit zero, my pants were made in
husband and wife in trashcan, missing legs
a dancer, can you believe that?
one, if any, lived
you didn't flush the toilet. How many times have I
told you about that, there is no soap and you
read about fixing things.
I can not speak but I do function properly.
Monsters are in that room with you.
I called your dentist, knew the teacher
was a real thought, and there are so many pictures
for the time at Christmas
with cards ripped open from the top
perforated edges and bedtime
defense attorneys push invisible buttons
on the floor, near paper cut outs of who we
used to be.
Take a swig from the brown and let it slide back
through into the bad places where Vachss said,
"talking doesn't get things fixed"
and I wonder what would have happened had I told you something
other than, penciled in another response more like
there goes your phone, it rings
and you still reach for it, and my head repeats words that now
Icanneversay, stuck in the place where
they gave me water in a morphine drip and even I
want so badly to just believe, but the water isn't fixing anything.
11.05.2008
10.19.2008
10.18.2008
Rape Survivors' Words Help Jolt Congo Into Change
love, jessieh
warning: we would display article here, but for some it may be triggering.
10.08.2008
RAINNmaking: Fundraising for RAINN
RAINN offers free, confidental support twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Their phone number is 1-800-656-HOPE and their online hotline can be reached at www.rainn.org.
Sam and I are becoming RAINNmakers. We are wanting to raise money for the Rape, Abuse, and Incest, National Network as part of our Humanties' project. we are writing, directing, and producing a performance piece for the spring of 2009 that addresses the issues of sexual violence on a local, national, and global level as the main focus of our Humanities’ project.
As part of our efforts to raise awareness of these crimes and their direct impact on the everyday lives of women, children and men everywhere we are hoping to raise money for RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization.
We believe that getting help is the single most critical step a victim of sexual violence can take on the path to becoming a survivor. It is vital that victims have access to free and anonymous support services whenever needed. RAINN provides a safe outlet where victims and their friends and family can go to receive free, live and anonymous support around the clock.
If you would like to make a contribution please visit our Rainnmaker page at http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/JessiehSam , where you will find very simple instructions on how to donate and assist in our efforts to aid those impacted by sexual violence.
This organization means a great deal to us and we hope that you will support our efforts to enable RAINN to help more victims. We also have plans to fundraise on local and global levels by working with community Rape Crisis centers and V-Day: A Global Movement to End Violence Against Women and Girls. We hope you will contribute your financial support and we hope to see you in the spring of 2009. We thank you for your enthusiasm, encouragement and efforts.
In thanks, Jessieh Johnson-Cunningham and Sam Orr
Sam and I are becoming RAINNmakers. We are wanting to raise money for the Rape, Abuse, and Incest, National Network as part of our Humanties' project. we are writing, directing, and producing a performance piece for the spring of 2009 that addresses the issues of sexual violence on a local, national, and global level as the main focus of our Humanities’ project.
As part of our efforts to raise awareness of these crimes and their direct impact on the everyday lives of women, children and men everywhere we are hoping to raise money for RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization.
We believe that getting help is the single most critical step a victim of sexual violence can take on the path to becoming a survivor. It is vital that victims have access to free and anonymous support services whenever needed. RAINN provides a safe outlet where victims and their friends and family can go to receive free, live and anonymous support around the clock.
If you would like to make a contribution please visit our Rainnmaker page at http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/JessiehSam , where you will find very simple instructions on how to donate and assist in our efforts to aid those impacted by sexual violence.
This organization means a great deal to us and we hope that you will support our efforts to enable RAINN to help more victims. We also have plans to fundraise on local and global levels by working with community Rape Crisis centers and V-Day: A Global Movement to End Violence Against Women and Girls. We hope you will contribute your financial support and we hope to see you in the spring of 2009. We thank you for your enthusiasm, encouragement and efforts.
In thanks, Jessieh Johnson-Cunningham and Sam Orr
A message from SAFER (Students Active for Ending Rape):
Attached you will find a press release from Students Active for Ending Rape (SAFER) about our new sexual assault policies database. (http://www.safercampus.org/policies.php) The database archives sexual assault policies from colleges and universities across the nation. We hope that providing examples of effective policies will assist student activists in reforming their own school’s sexual assault policy. The database also allows students to comment on whether or not their school actually implements the policies as they have been written.
We’re reaching out to student activists this week, asking them to comment on the policy at their school if it is in the database already, or submit their school’s policy for inclusion if it is not.
Thanks, SAFER
------
I am hoping to help SAFER reach students by publicizing the database here. (http://www.safercampus.org/policies.php)
The policy database can only be useful if students know their resources exist. Please share this great resource with your friends, coworkers, and fellow students.
love, jessieh
10.05.2008
( top: do you remember when we were kids//and built the greatest castles on the beach//how the sun set and the tide slowly rolled in//and the waves slowly took everything from us without mercy//how we tried to save what could not be saved//fought with such fervor so peculiar//cursing and screaming and without a chance//didn't wonder for a second what was up with us//and when it was over, we only laughed//and drenched in sweat we asked ourselves what did we do//we could not have won, could only lose//the philosophers in us started to philosophize//why you do something even if it is hopeless//when you should rather stop if you are reasonable//we sat and talked and the sun went down//and we reached this conclusion that I found so formidable even then//what should we have done?//what should we have done?//maybe it's sometimes wrong to stay cool//but maybe it's wrong to decide for that//while we didn't give up together, we were so proud//no stupdid "so what!" and no simple "what for!"I would give at least one leg to dance with you one more time. and the rest, if I could only have you back in my life.bottom: stop hating yourself.
please get well again.
we miss you.
The number of boys and girls with eating disorders is increasing )
love, jessieh
9.30.2008
the terrible truth ( a list of the events and what-not leading to now)
1. (Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun introduced to me by Jenny. Number One on this list is a crudely paraphrased, yet very important idea of hers) We must accept the simple truth that pain is only human and knowing that, we must abandon all hope that we can escape it. Instead, we must learn and practice sitting with the pain, allowing it to impact us and make choices to help each other. We must learn to take care.
2. We are all in some kind of love.
3. I will not be another Prozac popper.
4. Sometimes I feel guilty to be living this life. Thousands upon thousands of children are being raped and butchered and eviscerated. The guilt motivates. It is the terrible truth behind my desires.
5. I enjoy Prob. & Stats. I love AP Lit. I am happiest in two places; with those I love and onstage.
6. College is this big giant sea of anxiety. I am so excited. I love the idea of being somewhere else that I can learn, and feast and develop. Right now though, I cannot imagine that day that I leave this school. It means leaving the work, leaving Studio IV, leaving the instructors and educators. My heart is filled with overwhelming gratitude to this institution.
7. I don't know where God is, but I know God must be somewhere.
8. Let's just get better together. And then some.
9. We are going to change the world. All of us. We humans, we're running out of other options.
10. Sarah Palin needs to stay in Alaska. They obviously like her there.
11. In the race for the cure, I came in 708th. Right behind a 78 year old man and a 7 year old little boy named Thomas. Great life.
12. We are Trojan women.
13. Yesterday we celebrated Banned Books week and the battle of censorship. We had a reading in the courtyard. I read from Dorothy Allison's Bastard Out of Carolina and Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues. Others read from Ulysses, The Handmaid's Tale and Brave New World.
14. Paul Newman died on Saturday. He and Joanne Woodward have been married for almost 50 years. The idea of him dying summons the idea of her dying and the day that she dies is going to be a sad sad day.
love, jessieh
9.22.2008
9.14.2008
In reply: (and PS)
I have recieved several e-mails wondering "where the blogging has gone to?". I promise to write very very soon. At the moment though my living-load is significantly overwhelming and trying, even attempting to sort things into some kind of order with words at this moment seems very difficult. I promise to write later today, at least to give an update of sorts.
love, jessieh
8.30.2008
Max.
A former Visual Artist named Max committed suicide last Saturday. The entire campus seems to have been temporarily swallowed by this loss. I didn’t know Max very well. I knew him mostly through my close friend Patrick who was in a very close relationship with Max up until the time of his death. Max was a great believer in Eternalism (or Block Theory of the Universe, 4th dimension theory placement) and those closest to him have said his death was his way of finding an answer to a philosophical question. I think Max was a genius and this is not a statement to glorify or glamorize his death.
“Max Thomas Lamar Glazier, 17, died Saturday, August 23, 2008.Max was born in Roanoke, Va. on April 28, 1991, a son of Michael Glazier and Laura Jean Mills Glazier. He was a member of Georgetown Presbyterian Church. Surviving are: his parents; a brother, Taylor Glazier; a sister, Mary Glazier; and maternal grandparents, George and Mary Mills, all of Pawley's Island. Funeral services will be Wednesday, August 27, 2008, at four o'clock in the Georgetown Presbyterian Church. Officiating will be the Rev. Stephen H. Wilkins. The family will receive friends at the Georgetown Chapel of Mayer Funeral Home Tuesday evening, August 26, 2008, from six until eight o'clock.”
Regardless of the reason for his suicide, it has brought an energy to the past week that both saturates and drifts by. When a young person dies, especially by suicide, there is a shock to the systems of ordinary life. People don’t know what to say, and they want to do something. We found out at a little after midnight on Saturday and the amount of grief within a matter of moments was outstanding. Max’s death has forced me to first look at the way we grieve, what does it say about our culture? People who had never met Max stood crying and handing tissues to those who knew Max very well and spent hours and hours a day with him trying to wrap their brains around his big ideas. Second, his death has reminded us of the hope that there is. The joy to the smallest parts of life and the aliveness around us, in everything. We, singular, are happy and sad all together at once. Happy to be alive.
“Max Thomas Lamar Glazier, 17, died Saturday, August 23, 2008.Max was born in Roanoke, Va. on April 28, 1991, a son of Michael Glazier and Laura Jean Mills Glazier. He was a member of Georgetown Presbyterian Church. Surviving are: his parents; a brother, Taylor Glazier; a sister, Mary Glazier; and maternal grandparents, George and Mary Mills, all of Pawley's Island. Funeral services will be Wednesday, August 27, 2008, at four o'clock in the Georgetown Presbyterian Church. Officiating will be the Rev. Stephen H. Wilkins. The family will receive friends at the Georgetown Chapel of Mayer Funeral Home Tuesday evening, August 26, 2008, from six until eight o'clock.”
Regardless of the reason for his suicide, it has brought an energy to the past week that both saturates and drifts by. When a young person dies, especially by suicide, there is a shock to the systems of ordinary life. People don’t know what to say, and they want to do something. We found out at a little after midnight on Saturday and the amount of grief within a matter of moments was outstanding. Max’s death has forced me to first look at the way we grieve, what does it say about our culture? People who had never met Max stood crying and handing tissues to those who knew Max very well and spent hours and hours a day with him trying to wrap their brains around his big ideas. Second, his death has reminded us of the hope that there is. The joy to the smallest parts of life and the aliveness around us, in everything. We, singular, are happy and sad all together at once. Happy to be alive.
We will write more soon.
love, jessieh
8.15.2008
An Update of Sorts
A small list.
1.Today I made a decision to do a piece from "The Wake of Jamey Foster" by Beth Henley, Character: Collard for monologue night. This decision may change. 9.We went shopping today for clothes. It was not a terrible experience, difficult and triggered a small amount of self hatred but comparatively speaking, it was not terrible. We found two skirts, a nice top, a wonderful black sweater and a pair of beautiful shoes.7. Tissue damage is not an effective coping mechanism.
- School begins on Sunday.
- When people say that my name should be something else because of spiritual reasons, I want to choke them. Actually, these people do not need to be choked. They need to be forced to sit on an insanely hot curling iron, or on a wooden plank with nails and have a very very loud recording screaming the other name as loud as it could possibly scream. I don't think God would have any problem with their decision to change their name. I think people who don't understand these things and allow their religious load of crap to interfere with their ability to understand the pain of other people need to be removed from positions of leadership-but that's just my personal opinion. And it basically sums up to this: If you don't have the ability to understand the reasons people change their names- you don't need to be in any position of authority. And even more basically it sums up to this: HUMANS ARE NOT TO JUDGE THE SPIRITUAL CONDITIONS OF OTHER HUMANS. Case ended. (Thanks Mr. K though, for your personal assessment of my spiritual condition based on my decision to go by another name--how gross.)
- We are trying not to focus too much energy on food and weight.
- We have been here and not here far to much recently.
- Jenny is in Italy. She called yesterday.
- I am worried about the day that Meryl Streep dies.
- Tonight I am going to map out the best situation as furniture placement in the room. I no longer have a roommate.
- Last night, someone decided to draw a sea horse and didn't even know it was a sea horse.
- Ms.Hepburn, Taylor, Savannah and I went shopping on Yesterday after Therapy Session Number One.
- We survived a physical for school, the doctor was a very nice woman named Diane, she has a bright smile and a fun accent. I was able to answer all of her questions and she did not frighten me.
- Levels of anxiety have been out the roof, which is the main reason why I have been unable to write, I know not what to say, I live much of my time away.
- The stomach hurts.
- Children everywhere are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
- God is more than love and does not take vacations.
- My heart is filled with gratitude every day.
8.08.2008
8.04.2008
"And then Mary cries and runs off, kicking Ana on her way back to the trees"
The title of this post is an explanation for how my brain has been working for the past few weeks. I feel that an update, a very short general one is in order. We have read three plays recently to include, Necessary Targets by Eve Ensler, The Wake of Jamey Foster by Beth Henley and Love-lies-Bleeding by Don DeLillo. I am finding out how much I appreciate the song, "Fast as You Can" by Fiona Apple. Jenny is safely in Italy. God loves. My hunk of magical kitty cat goodness, named Lloyd was able to see Paris from the 'Pet's Only' part of the plane. Winston is equally excited about it. The opening of the coffee shop has been smooth and steady. We have been writing a lot. I have been incredibly emotional. I am anxious about school and monologues and not meeting the teacher's expectation's in someway or something. I have a roomate now for next year, her name is Danielle. She is a dancer. Sam turned 18. I leave on Wednesday to go back to South Carolina. I am on a detox diet. I want to at least feel thinner by the time school starts. Children everywhere are being hurt in unimaginable ways. I know the above is not very interesting but I am having a hard time using words today- it is increasingly difficult to communicate things. When people are broken, they could just melt. I feel like melting sometimes. God is a God of Grace and Grace is enough.
I will write more soon.
love, jessieh
7.29.2008
7.25.2008
the first conversation we've had in what seems like a long long time, phone call aftermath
Last night, a little after ten here, I had what seems to be one of the only full and complete conversations I've had in the past couple of weeks. Time has been a funny, not ha-ha, but strange thing for us recently and working as a system of thoughts, rather than separate-individuals seems like it will never be possible. My artsy-constellation and I had a phone date, that was interrupted bythree other phone calls,
one dead cell phone battery,
a desire to drink a huge cup of ice cold diet coke,
a thought of the condition and discrimination of the homosexual in America,
a long series of thoughts regarding the condition of the child in America,
six monologues; none of which are even appropriate for me to memorize for school in less than a month,
this huge huge blanket of pictures of Jenny getting on a train to see a piece of art she's been wanting to see for years if she ever needs to run away while in Italy,
the realization that parts of both of us have been wondering how she is going to do this; while part of me is writing about it in a library with the sun hitting her face 14 hours earlier,
one-almost panic attack in a parking lot,
and the constant inner-chatter of a group of females ranging in age from four to forty-six.
Welcome to our life.
After the phone call, which somehow ended up being huge-crying-mess about our (singular) hypothetical fears for the future, that are really not so much hypothetical fears as they are giant concerns about past events- I hung up really wishing that I had let her do most of the talking, and feeling like a non-supportive friend- but then I realized that we (plural) did talk, and that I just felt like I talked the most because I haven't really been talking the past few days.
But it all sums up to this, in the end anyway:
She is moving to Italy in less than six days. She is taking her cats with her and will not be out of touch. On the scale of things dealt with in life, she will be able to accomplish all things.
I am going back to school in less than 25 days. I will have four contrasting monologues, two classical, two contemporary memorized before I go back and will be at least 11 pounds lighter than I am right now. And on the scale of these, seemingly very small problems I seem to be having, there is a conclusive fact that I realize about everything :
It would be so much nicer if this whole thing were about her giant, bold, brave move to Italy and my finding 3-5 minute stage worthy pieces so that my instructors are not completely disappointed in me. It is about so much more. We will both keep living. It's the most important thing. We will both be more-than-knowing in a way we wish we didn't have to know what F.Scott Fitzgerald meant when he said, ""So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
It would be so much nicer if this whole thing were about her giant, bold, brave move to Italy and my finding 3-5 minute stage worthy pieces so that my instructors are not completely disappointed in me. It is about so much more. We will both keep living. It's the most important thing. We will both be more-than-knowing in a way we wish we didn't have to know what F.Scott Fitzgerald meant when he said, ""So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
love, we
7.23.2008
A note from my soon-to-be-Italian favorite:
The following is from my artsy-constellation:
Multiple personality disorder with a cherry on top.
I am sure that moving to a new country is challenging for most people. I think that taking two cats and having a divided mind escalates that challenge. The cat part is actually under control and as Stefano wrote in an email to me tonight, "I am so glad that you got all the forms signed so that Lloyd and Winston are ready for becoming Italian citizens." :-) So that part seems easy now compared to the whole "I-have-different-ways-of-thinking-and-those-ways-of-thinking-are-usually-not-on-the-same-page" issue. This is where the real difficulty is.
Here is a snap-second inside my head: "My to-do list seems too long.", "All of the important things have been done and now I am really just worrying while I wait- there is not much left to do.", "What if Stefano becomes overwhelmed by how much therapy work I have to do still and can not tolerate me?", "Which pants should I wear on the plane?", "Will I be able to get poultry flavored cat toothpaste in Italy?", "Is cat toothpaste more expensive in Italy?", "Why did my high school guidance counselor not inform my mother when I showed her the burns from where I was putting cigarettes out on my legs?", "I will be able to hug and kiss Stefano in less than one million seconds.", "Should I grab a box of yellow cake mix and take it with me so I can introduce Stefano to the joy of Betty Crocker on his birthday or should I make him a fruit pie instead?".
I am going to take my anti-anxiety medicine now and try to calm down. While I wait for the medicine to start working I will go back to work on the drawing I started earlier tonight.... an image of the head of Medusa.
Perfect.
---
love, jessieh
Multiple personality disorder with a cherry on top.
I am sure that moving to a new country is challenging for most people. I think that taking two cats and having a divided mind escalates that challenge. The cat part is actually under control and as Stefano wrote in an email to me tonight, "I am so glad that you got all the forms signed so that Lloyd and Winston are ready for becoming Italian citizens." :-) So that part seems easy now compared to the whole "I-have-different-ways-of-thinking-and-those-ways-of-thinking-are-usually-not-on-the-same-page" issue. This is where the real difficulty is.
Here is a snap-second inside my head: "My to-do list seems too long.", "All of the important things have been done and now I am really just worrying while I wait- there is not much left to do.", "What if Stefano becomes overwhelmed by how much therapy work I have to do still and can not tolerate me?", "Which pants should I wear on the plane?", "Will I be able to get poultry flavored cat toothpaste in Italy?", "Is cat toothpaste more expensive in Italy?", "Why did my high school guidance counselor not inform my mother when I showed her the burns from where I was putting cigarettes out on my legs?", "I will be able to hug and kiss Stefano in less than one million seconds.", "Should I grab a box of yellow cake mix and take it with me so I can introduce Stefano to the joy of Betty Crocker on his birthday or should I make him a fruit pie instead?".
I am going to take my anti-anxiety medicine now and try to calm down. While I wait for the medicine to start working I will go back to work on the drawing I started earlier tonight.... an image of the head of Medusa.
Perfect.
---
love, jessieh
7.22.2008
The happenings for now.
I cannot post pictures of the almost-completed mural simply because the pictures are on Eve's camera and her camera cord is missing somewhere in her house and- I just saw the most bizarre thing I have seen in awhile, allow me to interrupt the mural story and reasons why I don't have pictures yet- I am sitting in a chair, at a table, next to a giant glass window on the second floor of the Public Library. I am in the corner and if I look out of the window I can see the happenings on the street below me. Two brothers, I assume by the harsh-resemblance they bear to one another were walking the cross walk, a woman with helmet is walking her bike behind them. The two brothers both dressed in black, were walking with a certain swing in their walk and then suddenly; without apparent reason, the shorter of the brothers hit the taller one in the face. The taller brother then shoved the smaller one into the road and the biker that was following closely behind, straddled the seat of her bike and rode off in the direction she came. This indeed was a bizarre sighting for an early Tuesday afternoon and seemed to be worthy of note- Anyway, I don't pictures of the mural. I was only going to write that I am working on the play we've been writing for the past however long and will post pictures sometime in the next three days. My Great-Grandmother passed away at 1:52pm EST on Friday, July 18th. I am not saddened by her passing, she was satisfied by the life she lived.
From The State Obituaries:
Risinger, Mary Willis- LEXINGTON - Funeral services for Mary Willis Risinger, 93, will be held at 2:00 p.m. Tuesday, July 22, 2008, at Caughman-Harman Funeral Home, Lexington Chapel, with interment in Elmwood Memorial Park and Cemetery. The family will receive friends from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. Monday, July 21, 2008, at the funeral home. Memorials may be made to River of Life Christian Fellowship, 3955 Southeastern Way, Suite 3B, West Columbia, SC 29169.
Mrs. Risinger, born in Batesburg-Leesville, SC October 2, 1914, passed away Friday, July 18, 2008. She was a daughter of the late Arthur Willis and Teresa Hayes Willis. Mrs. Risinger was a member of River of Life Christian Fellowship. She was an owner and operator of 2 grocery stores in Richland County. She was a faithful Sunday school teacher and member of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union. She was a faithful Christian who loved sharing Jesus with others.
Mrs. Risinger is survived by her daughters, Nelda Laird of Tampa, FL, Marie Ouzts of Cayce, SC and T***** D*** and son-in-law, B*** D*** of West Columbia, SC; son, Henry Daniel “Dan” Risinger of Lexington, SC; 13 grandchildren, 14 great-grandchildren and 1 great-great-grandchild. She was predeceased by her husband, Henry O. Risinger; sister, Bessie Hutchinson; brother, Ollie Willis; daughter, Betty R. Elkin; son, Gerald David Risinger and grandson, Dedrick Elkin.
Mrs. Risinger, born in Batesburg-Leesville, SC October 2, 1914, passed away Friday, July 18, 2008. She was a daughter of the late Arthur Willis and Teresa Hayes Willis. Mrs. Risinger was a member of River of Life Christian Fellowship. She was an owner and operator of 2 grocery stores in Richland County. She was a faithful Sunday school teacher and member of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union. She was a faithful Christian who loved sharing Jesus with others.
Mrs. Risinger is survived by her daughters, Nelda Laird of Tampa, FL, Marie Ouzts of Cayce, SC and T***** D*** and son-in-law, B*** D*** of West Columbia, SC; son, Henry Daniel “Dan” Risinger of Lexington, SC; 13 grandchildren, 14 great-grandchildren and 1 great-great-grandchild. She was predeceased by her husband, Henry O. Risinger; sister, Bessie Hutchinson; brother, Ollie Willis; daughter, Betty R. Elkin; son, Gerald David Risinger and grandson, Dedrick Elkin.
love, jessieh
7.14.2008
7.10.2008
out of function and other matters
we often wonder if anyone in my family ever reads my blog. i doubt it because the few times we have shared it with them, they have seemed a little less than interested. today, i got a voicemail from my mother. I haven't gotten a voicemail or a phone call from my mother in a long long long long time. It was stunning. It was quite obvious that she hasn't left a voicemail for me in an even longer time. She didn't even know what to say or how to say it; it was filled with many "ums" and "uhs" and then a really awkward remark about how they didn't miss me. I am still kind of stunned by it because for the first time I am taking a stand and saying, "No. I don't want to live this way, I don't want to be part of such an unhealthy family for the rest of my life." And now she calls. It's slightly upsetting because I was away at school for a year and will be returning soon. The entire time I was at school my parents contacted me maybe, maybe four times. I received more encouragement and excitement from strangers than I did from some of my family members. I am making a lot of choices and decisions right now and some of them are very difficult, I mean it is weird, calling up your family and saying, "Hey, I'm moving out soon, will you still sign my papers for school?" and not only do you get the response of cooperation, of "yes, I will sign them." but it is, "Yes. I will sign your papers, do you need help with the boxes?". I was a little frazzled by this response, just a little-really not that much, it was more like a stunned weirdness than anything else; I was a little bit upset. I don't really know why though. Then after talking about it and over it, we came to a conclusion; I mean IT IS A GOOD THING THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO HELP ME, and while it may be A LITTLE WEIRD that they aren't trying to fight me on this, I mean I didn't want them to fight me, I prayed that God would guide this process and I mean the less confusion the better. It would be mass-confusion if they didn't want to sign my papers, if they didn't offer to help me move. It is a good thing and it is what I really wanted. I wanted them to help me, because it makes things easier and there is nothing confusing about having a family who says, "Here, let me help you leave." But there is something sort of odd and painful about it but I guess that's typical behavior given the fact that it is all so dysfunctional anyway. As much as I don't want to admit it, any help they can offer me is going to be greatly appreciated. We have so much to figure out and we are trying not to worry or be anxious about any of this stuff, there is so much more to focus on in the next month.
Jenny leaves tomorrow. We are in complete denial. We don't want her to leave. She tried on wedding dresses today. It was so beautiful. She was in bed on Monday and Tuesday, sick with a flu she caught from two carrier monkeys on the flight out here. She flew in last Friday,on a very small-very-Mid-Western airline where instead of offering pretzels and the complimentary snack, the flight attendant came by with a tub of individually wrapped cheeseburgers. She declined and was then contaminated by the two little boy-human-carrier monkeys sitting beside her. So, two full days of her four full days with us, she was in bed and we didn't get much work on the mural done, so now I am going to be finishing it when she returns. I am a little intimidated by this task but I'm sure it will work out.
I will write more and post pictures soon.
love, jessieh
Just opened from CNN
...New DNA evidence in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case does not match that of anyone in her family, a prosecutor says.
I'm still in Minnesota. Jenny leaves bright and early tomorrow. That saddens us.
This settles.
love, jessieh
7.05.2008
the magic erasers; party of (?)
Jenny is here. I am so happy.
I cannot even express my excitement.
I will be posting pictures of everything soon enough.
The only bad part, the city we are in has these terrible pro-life billboards everywhere and they make the people cringe when we see them.
Adam and Eve surprised me when I arrived with a bicycle that they picked up from the thrift store before I got here and it is beautiful. Jenny brought goodies one of which is an amazing quilt for my room at school with sheep all over it. I slept on the top bunk last night snuggled underneath it. She also brought other wonderful treasures like a Lloyd suitcase, I mean it is so beautiful, the magical hunk of kitty cat goodness painted on to a suitcase. What more could a girl ask for?
I am really glad I am here and my brain is having a hard time sorting things out so that I can somehow write about what good times I am having but this is so difficult because in my brain there is so much happening and we are overwhelmed with all things oriented from "home" and at the same time there is so much happening here that is good like Jenny and I painting a mural for the coffee house which is really difficult because a.) when you stick two dissociative people in a room with a big white wall and say "draw", you should already know it is going to be messy but when b.) the owners of the wall happen to be two people who are incredibly beautiful people with an idea about what the wall should end up being, it makes things messier.
So after much distress and pencil scribbling Jenny and I came up with a plan, stick to all things garden-related (because a French Impressionist painting of two girls in a garden is what Adam and Eve had in mind for the inspiration) and section off a piece of the wall using garden lights and only allow ourselves to draw inside of the section. This is an incredibly brilliant but awareness-provoking experience.
First, there is a bunny on the wall, in the garden next to flowers and while Jenny is resisting her urge to go and draw the intestines on the bunny; I am arguing with her about my need to keep the garden lights a stop sign and traffic light even though I know Adam and Eve will hate my traffic light because it won't make any sense to them and would just look funny and strange and off-key. They came in though, a little after 10pm last night and they seem pleased. I hope they are. Jenny made me erase the stop sign and traffic light and after about an hour of discouragement we found these wonderful devices called Mr.Clean's Magic Erasers.
Please allow us to add that it was when we found the Magic Erasers that everything became all better. On the way home Jenny and I came to a conclusion about these and realized that we really want a huge Magic Eraser for our lives and that is why it was such a mood-lifter when we found them for the dissociative mess we had on the wall. I know that I am not making very much sense because I am simply not thinking clearly about most anything these past few days. I have so much to figure out about my family life (both internal and external), about my education plans, about the play that we've been writing, about how in the world Jenny's going-to-Italy-to-be-with-the-love-of-her-life is going to mess with the systems of thinking, about finding monologues and trying to plan for the Humanities Project and all this jazz and the fourth of the July was yesterday and I was completely reminded of my last fourth of July experience and I was with Jenny then as well and it was beautiful because maybe a day later we were sitting underneath a huge war-monument that read, "FREEDOM IS NOT FREE." We all still feel this way. We hid from fireworks last night and tried not to let them bother us, because we don't want to be horribly emotional or weird or dissociative or PTSD-ed or any of that other stuff that usually accompanies this childhood sexual abuse and rape- aftermath, thing. What a messy messy place. Boy, Oh boy, Mary Poppins, What would we do without faith?
we will write more soon.
love, we the people
I cannot even express my excitement.
I will be posting pictures of everything soon enough.
The only bad part, the city we are in has these terrible pro-life billboards everywhere and they make the people cringe when we see them.
Adam and Eve surprised me when I arrived with a bicycle that they picked up from the thrift store before I got here and it is beautiful. Jenny brought goodies one of which is an amazing quilt for my room at school with sheep all over it. I slept on the top bunk last night snuggled underneath it. She also brought other wonderful treasures like a Lloyd suitcase, I mean it is so beautiful, the magical hunk of kitty cat goodness painted on to a suitcase. What more could a girl ask for?
I am really glad I am here and my brain is having a hard time sorting things out so that I can somehow write about what good times I am having but this is so difficult because in my brain there is so much happening and we are overwhelmed with all things oriented from "home" and at the same time there is so much happening here that is good like Jenny and I painting a mural for the coffee house which is really difficult because a.) when you stick two dissociative people in a room with a big white wall and say "draw", you should already know it is going to be messy but when b.) the owners of the wall happen to be two people who are incredibly beautiful people with an idea about what the wall should end up being, it makes things messier.
So after much distress and pencil scribbling Jenny and I came up with a plan, stick to all things garden-related (because a French Impressionist painting of two girls in a garden is what Adam and Eve had in mind for the inspiration) and section off a piece of the wall using garden lights and only allow ourselves to draw inside of the section. This is an incredibly brilliant but awareness-provoking experience.
First, there is a bunny on the wall, in the garden next to flowers and while Jenny is resisting her urge to go and draw the intestines on the bunny; I am arguing with her about my need to keep the garden lights a stop sign and traffic light even though I know Adam and Eve will hate my traffic light because it won't make any sense to them and would just look funny and strange and off-key. They came in though, a little after 10pm last night and they seem pleased. I hope they are. Jenny made me erase the stop sign and traffic light and after about an hour of discouragement we found these wonderful devices called Mr.Clean's Magic Erasers.
Please allow us to add that it was when we found the Magic Erasers that everything became all better. On the way home Jenny and I came to a conclusion about these and realized that we really want a huge Magic Eraser for our lives and that is why it was such a mood-lifter when we found them for the dissociative mess we had on the wall. I know that I am not making very much sense because I am simply not thinking clearly about most anything these past few days. I have so much to figure out about my family life (both internal and external), about my education plans, about the play that we've been writing, about how in the world Jenny's going-to-Italy-to-be-with-the-love-of-her-life is going to mess with the systems of thinking, about finding monologues and trying to plan for the Humanities Project and all this jazz and the fourth of the July was yesterday and I was completely reminded of my last fourth of July experience and I was with Jenny then as well and it was beautiful because maybe a day later we were sitting underneath a huge war-monument that read, "FREEDOM IS NOT FREE." We all still feel this way. We hid from fireworks last night and tried not to let them bother us, because we don't want to be horribly emotional or weird or dissociative or PTSD-ed or any of that other stuff that usually accompanies this childhood sexual abuse and rape- aftermath, thing. What a messy messy place. Boy, Oh boy, Mary Poppins, What would we do without faith?
we will write more soon.
love, we the people
PS: The real solution to the painting problem came when someone here said, "I cannot apologize for having all these people living inside of me with different artistic styles, not of which happens to be French Impressionist. I think that will be fine with Adam and Eve."
7.02.2008
6.27.2008
The little or big black dogs.
On memory:
"We had a black dog when I was little. It would knock me down and bust open my lip every time we let it out ( at least once a week). It lived in our backyard.
That's alot of information to not be privy to." - Gingoneous
We will write more soon.
love, jessieh
"We had a black dog when I was little. It would knock me down and bust open my lip every time we let it out ( at least once a week). It lived in our backyard.
That's alot of information to not be privy to." - Gingoneous
We will write more soon.
love, jessieh
6.26.2008
"The death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child,"
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25367455/from/ET/
because we are very upset and as a general rule,
when we are very upset we tend to not make any
rational or logical sense, we are going to refrain
from writing commentary on such things for now.
the advice of crazy, fire-breathing, snake-handling women is to be ignored on most occasions but in this situation we agree with Old Aunt Ruthie:
because we are very upset and as a general rule,
when we are very upset we tend to not make any
rational or logical sense, we are going to refrain
from writing commentary on such things for now.
the advice of crazy, fire-breathing, snake-handling women is to be ignored on most occasions but in this situation we agree with Old Aunt Ruthie:
"THE WORLD IS GOIN' TO HELL IN A HAND-BASKET; THE GOOD PEOPLES IS JUSTA' FALLIN' IN WITH 'EM."
love, we
6.25.2008
boy do we have a story to tell
shortly, meaning within the next 24 hours; we have a huge story to tell. this will happen once the busy-ness dies down. 4.5 days between Minnesota and I. This is good. Very good.love, jessieh
6.22.2008
New guest Blogger Cat.
Hi Jessieh. I wanted to tell you and everyone who reads your blog that I love you. It was terribly hot where I am today and so I was stretched out on the floor laying on my back and trying to catch a little breeze through my paws and I was thinking of you. I am going to post a big shameless picture of my big shameless self laying on the floor, trying to keep it cool and thinking of you because I have heard through the metaphorical 'grapevine' that you think I am magic and also extremely cute. You are a smart woman. p.s.- I am glad it makes you laugh when Jenny sings you "Manic Monday" but I have to tell you that it is a little hard on my super cute and super sensitive little ears.
Love,
Your Besty Friend Forever,
Dr. Larry Lloyd
6.20.2008
Sub-memories
"These were not memories. These were sub-memories. Images from a place beneath the waking world, deeper than a dream, a place where logic dissolved. It was beyond remembering. It was knowing." - Tim O'Brien, In The Lake Of The Woods
----
{.thank you to Denis Darzacq for the clear explain-ation.}
.post-therapy madness.
love, jessieh
6.19.2008
Guest Post by Artconstellation.
6.17.2008
the fun Nitty Gritty of Body Image, Purging and Tempting Anorexia.
Readers Note: I am not advocating eating disorders. I am not blaming eating disorders on people reading fashion magazines (because quite frankly, I believe that if you read the latest issue of Vogue or Allure and feel fat or ugly, you were feeling ugly and fat before you read it). Stop reading these magazines. If you are recovering from an eating disorder, I suggest you not read the following blog entry, for it is not likely to contribute to your recovery.
What's funny about what I am about to write is that the happenings I am about to try to work out; understand more clearly happened last night on June 16th. This morning, as I sit here trying to piece together this "oh-god, my-brain-has -been -taken -over -by- food" stuff- I began searching for a blog entry that I remembered writing about my history of eating problems as I understood them at the time. It turns out, this entry was written exactly a year before the happenings I am about to discuss. Funny, how that works, eh?
Last night, I celebrated my birthday with my adoptive family because on my actual birthday, they were out of town visiting other family members and I was here, celebrating with Ms.Hepburn, The Flague, A secret family, Sam, Jenny, Lloyd, Eve, and We the People. Anyway, this of course, is not the intended point. I was at dinner last night, a wonderful Asian cuisine, eating Sushi, talking about their Pennsylvania trip, and enjoying the company of my adoptive family and trying to remain as comfortable as possible with this whole-she's-gotten-another-year-older celebration. I was doing a really really good job. I loved the Sushi. It was so good. While I was eating it, I don't remember once thinking/hearing, YOU ARE A BAD PERSON FOR EATING THIS. and trust us, this is major progress. I was actually not worrying about my food at all, and I was actually enjoying the taste of it. Wow. Great. Good food. I didn't consider throwing it up. I didn't have that feeling in my stomach of ultimate and complete badness that 9.75 out of 10 time accompanies any meal I dare consume. I ENJOYED MY DINNER LAST NIGHT. I ENJOYED THE PEOPLE I WAS AROUND. I HAD FUN. I LAUGHED. WHEN THE USUAL FEARS DID ARISE, I COULD FIND A PAIR OF EYES TO LOCK WITH AND SOMEHOW IT MADE THE FEARS FALL APART INTO NON-LOGICAL NOTHINGNESS.
{even when we had a slice of the wonderful cake Ms. Dana brought I was not consumed by need-to-vomit-ness.}
and then, I had to come home. To a place where, it is evidently not understood that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WEIGHT OR THE FOOD I AM EATING with you, unless I ask you what you think about my weight or the food I am eating.
I walk through the living room, dressed in bare-nothing, shorts and a bra, headed for the laundry closet. The only person in the home who could see me strut almost-naked through the living room is my grandmother, a woman overweight, in her fifties, sitting in her nightgown, plopped pleasantly on the couch and she says to me, "OH, Honey, you're getting a little hippy aren't you?"
What's funny about what I am about to write is that the happenings I am about to try to work out; understand more clearly happened last night on June 16th. This morning, as I sit here trying to piece together this "oh-god, my-brain-has -been -taken -over -by- food" stuff- I began searching for a blog entry that I remembered writing about my history of eating problems as I understood them at the time. It turns out, this entry was written exactly a year before the happenings I am about to discuss. Funny, how that works, eh?
Last night, I celebrated my birthday with my adoptive family because on my actual birthday, they were out of town visiting other family members and I was here, celebrating with Ms.Hepburn, The Flague, A secret family, Sam, Jenny, Lloyd, Eve, and We the People. Anyway, this of course, is not the intended point. I was at dinner last night, a wonderful Asian cuisine, eating Sushi, talking about their Pennsylvania trip, and enjoying the company of my adoptive family and trying to remain as comfortable as possible with this whole-she's-gotten-another-year-older celebration. I was doing a really really good job. I loved the Sushi. It was so good. While I was eating it, I don't remember once thinking/hearing, YOU ARE A BAD PERSON FOR EATING THIS. and trust us, this is major progress. I was actually not worrying about my food at all, and I was actually enjoying the taste of it. Wow. Great. Good food. I didn't consider throwing it up. I didn't have that feeling in my stomach of ultimate and complete badness that 9.75 out of 10 time accompanies any meal I dare consume. I ENJOYED MY DINNER LAST NIGHT. I ENJOYED THE PEOPLE I WAS AROUND. I HAD FUN. I LAUGHED. WHEN THE USUAL FEARS DID ARISE, I COULD FIND A PAIR OF EYES TO LOCK WITH AND SOMEHOW IT MADE THE FEARS FALL APART INTO NON-LOGICAL NOTHINGNESS.
{even when we had a slice of the wonderful cake Ms. Dana brought I was not consumed by need-to-vomit-ness.}
and then, I had to come home. To a place where, it is evidently not understood that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WEIGHT OR THE FOOD I AM EATING with you, unless I ask you what you think about my weight or the food I am eating.
I walk through the living room, dressed in bare-nothing, shorts and a bra, headed for the laundry closet. The only person in the home who could see me strut almost-naked through the living room is my grandmother, a woman overweight, in her fifties, sitting in her nightgown, plopped pleasantly on the couch and she says to me, "OH, Honey, you're getting a little hippy aren't you?"
of course this comment started a whole series of thoughts, most of which my grandmother will never understand or know i was telepathically hoping to communicate as i stopped dead-middle of my journey to the laundry closet and starred at her, blankly, desperately trying to regain balance. The stare, however was not really blank it was a loaded stare, dead into her eyes that screamed, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? A LITTLE HIP-PY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO CALL ME FAT, SAY FAT SO THAT IT AT LEAST SOUNDS THE WAY IT IS MEANT TO AND NOT LIKE SO DISGUSTING LITTLE ADVICE TO LOSE WEIGHT BEFORE I GO BACK TO SCHOOL! YOU MUST LIKE THE IDEA OF ME HANGING MY HEAD OVER SOMETHING AND BARFING! YOU SICK DISGUSTING PIG! HOW DARE YOU ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE THAT- IT WASN'T A QUESTION, IT WAS A STATEMENT OF YOUR OPINION REGARDING MY HEALTHY WEIGHT THAT I HAPPEN TO BE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INSECURE ABOUT BECAUSE ON MOST OCCASIONS I FEEL THAT I WOULD BE A BETTER PERSON IF I WERE THINNER! WHICH IS ABOUT AS STUPID AND INSANE OF AN IDEA AS ME GETTING A LITTLE HIPPY. I'M NOT HIPPY YOU COW! I'M NORMAL. NORMAL. NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T THINK I AM FAT, AND YOU DON'T COUNT AS A PERSON BECAUSE YOU THINK OF YOURSELF AS A GOD AND I DON'T WORSHIP YOU FLUFFY!!!!"
of course the real excitement of this particular entire inner-monologue is the fact that she heard none of the above that was being shouted inside by an eight year old and decided to chuckle at my blank stare instead.
AND I WANTED TO DIE. THE END.
JUST WHEN WE ARE GETTING BETTER A LITTLE REMINDER COMES THAT WE SHOULD NEVER EAT AGAIN.
love, jessieh
6.14.2008
Anewsrant & A Artconstellation
First.
Jenny (Artconstellation) did something beautiful in honor of the soon-coming father's day. Okay, she didn't (to my knowledge) set out to do this as a father's day thing, but it so appropriately fell in place that it was hard to notice and when someone does something that is so incredible- I think it needs to be talked about. I love Jenny but that is not exactly why I am writing. I am writing because the idea of what she did is really big in my brain and it is hardtoholdontofortoolong or I want to crawl somewhere and make myself go to bed.
She made a business card, you know those really inexpensive order-online business cards advertising her work and her blog and herself as person(hood). Okay, wait, back up- in order for this to make sense I should introduce Jenny. She is a very big superhero of mine. The following information can be found on her blog but this is a little summary: She is a survivor of seventeen years of horrific sexual abuse. Her father was her abuser, this of course, is one of many reasons why father's day is not exactly the best of days for her. She is also an artist, who is about to move to Italy to marry the love of her life and continue her art career.
But the really-big-deal-happy thing that we are writing about is this:
The Incredible poet Sharon Olds wrote a poem called I go back to May 1937. The last lines are "I say Do what you are going to do, and I will tell about it." Instead of clinging to that safe place of non-motivating, yet really really expressive and healthy anger- Jenny is doing something more. She is telling about it. About her experience as an artist, about her experience as a woman trying to cope with 17 years (please take a moment and realize this is how long I have been alive) of terror, while living with other inner people, and managing to somehow stay intact enough to impact others and encourage and brighten and try to move her two cats to Italy, so that she can get married (which if you haven't seen the statistics about marriage and sexual abuse and DID, you should look into it), and promote awareness and kindness and an END TO WORLD GONE WRONGNESS. This is the woman we are talking about. This year for father's day, she is going to be telling about it. Before she leaves for Italy she will be making a trip to another part of the US and her cards will be going with her, they will be left in every public (and private) place she encounters. Then, she is off to Italy where her cards will be spread throughout another country and each one labels her as an artist, a writer, and a sexual abuse survivor. Imagine all of the people that will encounter this statement of
"Yes this horrible horribleness happened
and Yes I am telling about it
and Yes there is something we can all do to end this sickness
and Yes you are not alone. "
I am in awe of her strength and I am so excited for what is to come.
A picture of the business card can be found here. (It wouldn't load on my blog for some odd reason. I will try again soon.)
Second.
The news reporter for the local news just said, "A local pastor is accused of the unthinkable with a child". The "unthinkable" that was being referenced is the sexual molestation of a teenager. While I AM COMPLETELY GRATEFUL that the media is actually covering it and not minimizing the severe nature of the crime, I realizeWE REALLY DO HAVE A HUGE HUGE PROBLEM WITH DENIAL AND NOT LOOKING AT REALITY IN THIS COUNTRY IF THE "UNTHINKABLE" is a teenager being molested. This is not unthinkable, this (being SEXUAL VIOLENCE) is happening every single moment of every single day. 1 out of every 3 girls will be the victim of attempted or completed sexual violence before she turns 18. This is not unthinkable. I've been reading/writing/drawing/trying to forget/hearing/living/dealing/coping with/THINKING about it for a LONG LONG TIME.
love, jessieh
PS: Anne Frank would have turned 79 yesterday. In case we didn't already say that.
6.12.2008
.ten/notes/of/the/evening.
1. This quote: (Roughly) "Eating disorders are not the real problem-people have much bigger problems and they are taking it out on their food."- Jenny (Artconstellation)
2. Two pairs of blue jeans were purchased on behalf of my body.
3. I AM NOW OFFICIALLY LEAVING FOR MINNESOTA ON JUNE 30TH. (PLEASE SEE COUNTDOWN CLOCK ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE SCREEN, RIGHT ABOVE THE MUSIC PLAYER THAT SAYS "MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIKE ANI DIFRANCO". CLICK ON THAT WHILE YOU ARE AT IT.) THE PLANE TICKET HAS BEEN PURCHASED AND WE ARE READY TO GO!
4. I'm working on something special starting tonight.
5. Thanks to a Ginger, I'm not only journaling in the most beautiful handmade journal in the world but I'm also learning (okay, so attempting to learn) how to use a camera and while I don't really know that much I do know that the smaller the number on the f-stop (? probablyscrewedthatup?), the more light that is allowed in.
6. I took a picture a year ago of this orange chair next to a tree on the property of the former state mental hospital. Every week when I would ride by, the orange chair was still their as if someone attended to its being there on a regular basis. Today was the first time I passed by and did not see it. I looked around and there was nothing. Drove another 9 feet, there it was placed facing away from the oak tree it sat under for so long and now every time there is an idle moment of "ohgod,coulditbethatwearenotthinkingfortwosec-NO!"- I hear two things, 1.) "YouareaBADperson." and 2.) "SOMEONE HAS BEEN SITTING IN THAT ORANGE CHAIR." I took another photograph of it today.
7. The above picture was taken on the night of scenes, also the night of the Roe v. Wade performance. Last night Sam (the beautiful creature on the right in the photo above) and I went to Waffle House. We colored together in our new sketchbooks/journals/hash brown-stained napkins. She brought a box of 120 crayons. That was nice and fun. We were re-introduced to a Vietnam Veteran named Ron who has schizophrenia, but spends his time doing handy jobs for local Pentecostal churches. He is very elderly and kind but I am afraid of him. We then traded sketchbooks, only to discover that on JUNE 9th we both wrote the exact same first lines in our sketchbooks and didn't even know it. That was a truly beautiful moment, we just kind of looked at each other and said, "I told you we were soul mates" with our eyes. We then continued on in the experience of waffle housing and discussed things not of an eternal matter. Then the discussion changed and there we were talking about the end of the world again over diet coke and coffee.
8. "They tell me I'm crazy, but you told me I'm Golden." was part of the first lines.
9. Children all over the world are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
10. God is love.
love, jessieh
6.10.2008
6.09.2008
6.08.2008
Birthday Wishes from Jenny Inc. (Artconstellation) & the Magical Hunk of Kitty Cat Goodness
love, jessieh
(and Mr.Murray and Mr.Day and Jason are working on a show together today. It is something I programmed mentally 2 months ago and just reemembered. I hope that is going well for them. )
Weak in IPA: Post One
" It really doesn't matter how many drawings you do, or how many other ways you try to fix it, you can't. " -Vivian
(this drawing = post-today fears.)
love, jessieh
6.05.2008
And granny almost pooped her pants.
"WAIT! Go BACK! WAS THAT PAT ROBERTSON SITTIN' WITH- NO! OH LOAARDD."
- granny (the crazy lady)
I was more than a little happy.
love, jessieh
6.02.2008
6.01.2008
5.28.2008
making it home safely & parole board to release serial rapist
We made it "home" safely. It is so odd coming back for the summer. I had literally forgotten the amount of disfunction that exists in my family, I had somehow just avoided it (but that is easy to do when you live away at school with limited contact). I've been drawing more and more in my sketchbook. Only 13 pages to go and it will be complete. I'm excited. I've been reading Anne Heche's memoir. While the writing is not nessecarily impressive, she does offer an interesting look on incest, sexual abuse, cult-nature and religious affiliation. The church Anne Heche grew up in sounds alot like the church I grew up in. Which at times, when read properly, can sound very very alarming. I start transcription review on June 2nd. Jenny made it back to the US, safely. Oh, by the way, if you are ever wondering who she is when I make reference to her: This is my dear friend (and I ). But for now, I must scramble, clean up the the kitchen, brush my teeth, get ready for the day's events.
---
Childhood rape victim Tiffany Edens has no confidence in the Oregon parole board.
To her dismay, Edens had to sue the board to block the planned release of Richard Troy Gillmore — the notorious "jogger rapist" who committed at least nine sexual assaults in the Portland area in the 1970s and '80s.
"It's been a frustrating battle," she said in a recent interview. "It's been very wearing on me and my family. I think it's very unfair and very unfortunate that victims have to be revictimized years later by the institution that is supposed to protect them."
Gillmore's case has become a rallying cry for parole board critics, who say it demonstrated poor judgment about a sexual predator and shabby treatment of a rape victim.
"This guy is one of the worst rapists in the Oregon prison system," said Steve Doell, president of Oregon Crime Victims United. "God only knows what they were thinking in approving his release."
In the wake of Edens' lawsuit and a rebuke from a Marion County judge, the parole board agreed to reconsider Gillmore's case at a yet-to-be-scheduled hearing.
"It's been a true disappointment to see the parole board take the course of action that they have, although I think they've tried to rectify it now through the advice of counsel with this next hearing," said Russ Ratto, a senior deputy district attorney in Multnomah County who sued the board on behalf of Edens.
Edens clings to hope that the three-member panel will reach a different decision this time.
"He is a predator, he belongs in prison," she said. "He played normal and here he was a serial rapist, raping several women in his neighborhood."
Edens was 13 when Gillmore broke into her family's Portland-area home on the evening of Dec. 5, 1986. He threatened to kill the terrified girl, then raped her.
The Statesman Journal normally does not identify victims of sexual crimes. Edens asked to be identified by her maiden name. "I want other victims to feel that they can step forward, that they don't have to be held down," she said.
Now 35, Edens is married, the mother of three children and still lives in the Portland area. She is a blunt critic of the parole board, calling it "desensitized" to the plight of people whose lives have been ripped apart by violent criminals.
Between 1979 and 1981, Gillmore terrorized southeast Portland by committing a series of rapes. At that time, the then-unidentified rapist was known as the "jogger rapist" because he stalked his victims while he was jogging. After being arrested for raping Edens, Gillmore admitted to eight attacks linked to the "jogger rapist." He wasn't prosecuted for those rapes because they were too old under Oregon's then-applicable three-year statute of limitations.
A Multnomah County judge found Gillmore guilty of rape, burglary and two counts of sexual abuse in the Edens case in October 1987. The judge found Gillmore to be a sexually dangerous offender and sentenced him to 30 years in prison for the rape and burglary counts, with a 15-year minimum on each count.
The sentences were to run consecutively, meaning Gillmore had a 60-year sentence with a 30-year minimum.
In 1988, only a year after Gillmore was convicted, the parole board overrode one of his 15-year sentences. That made him eligible for parole in 2001.
The parole board nixed Gillmore's requests for release in 2001, 2003 and 2005. In September, it green-lighted him for parole. Edens said she learned about the board's release decision from her mother, who happened to check on Gillmore's status.
The notion of the serial rapist being back on the streets hit her like a lightning bolt, Edens said. Outraged, she and other family members contacted the parole board and "begged and pleaded" for a chance to testify. The board agreed to a rehearing in October.
In a hearing room at the Oregon State Correctional Institution in Salem, Edens faced the man who raped her when she was a junior high school student.
"That was really hard for me," she recounted. "It's like revisiting a nightmare. It was very surreal to see him after 21 years."
Edens urged the board to keep Gillmore incarcerated.
"To have raped so many women is a travesty," she testified. "But Richard Troy Gillmore only serving less than a third of his sentence for only one of the violent rapes he committed is an injustice to me and the seven other victims."
Multnomah County prosecutor Ratto also testified. He told the board that Gillmore would be "a monster on the loose" if let back into the community.
In his testimony, Gillmore described himself as rehabilitated. He wiped away tears when he apologized to Edens.
After the hearing, board members huddled behind closed doors — standard procedure — to discuss the case and reach a decision. After 45 minutes, the board returned to announce the verdict: Gillmore remained "a danger to the health or safety of others," but he "can be adequately controlled with supervision and mental health treatment which are available in the community."
The board set his release date for Dec. 18.
Edens dropped her head to the hearing room table and sobbed.
Even now, she can't understand why the board chose to let Gillmore out. She cited a psychological evaluation of him by Frank Colistro, a veteran forensic psychologist who concluded in a June report that Gillmore continues to "suffer from a severe personality disorder, one not amenable to community-based treatment or supervision."
"I couldn't believe that three professionals were taking a convicted serial rapist's word against an educated doctor's evaluation," Edens said. "I thought that was just asinine. They don't seem to understand who he is. He's one of these really sophisticated criminals, very manipulative, very sociopathic. He's a chameleon who can meld himself into whatever he needs to be so he can get what he wants."
To stop Gillmore's release, Edens and the Multnomah County district attorney's office sued the parole board late last year.
In January, Marion County Circuit Judge Paul Lipscomb blocked Gillmore's release pending a new parole-consideration hearing. He ruled that the board committed several procedural errors, including failing to give Edens proper notice about hearings and failing to provide a full written explanation of its decision to free Gillmore, despite finding that he was still dangerous.
It was a gratifying victory for Edens.
"That was really empowering for me and my family to have Judge Lipscomb really take the facts in, take his time and really make a good statement," she said.
Lipscomb said he lacked authority under Oregon law to reverse "any ill-advised or mistaken release decision" by the parole board. However, the judge added that he felt compelled to express concerns about the board's decision to free the rapist, noting that "the only available expert evidence documents that Gillmore is even more dangerous and less amenable to be safely managed in the community than he appeared in 2001, 2003, 2005 and in April of 2007."
After the judge's rebuke, parole officials defended the decision to release Gillmore in a written statement: "In deciding that Mr. Gillmore could be adequately supervised in the community, the board considered Mr. Gillmore's long record of positive prison conduct and responsible work history, the many classes and treatment programs he has successfully completed, as well as his understanding of his past criminal behavior."
The parole board could have appealed Lipscomb's ruling. Instead, the board ended the legal fight by agreeing to hold a new hearing. Plans call for Gillmore to be examined by two more psychologists prior to the hearing.
Awaiting the next round in her battle to keep Gillmore behind bars, Edens said she's eager to testify against him again.
However, she lacks faith in the board members who will decide his fate.
"I think a used car salesman could read a human being better than these three," she said.
agustafs@StatesmanJournal.com or (503) 399-6709
"It's been a frustrating battle," she said in a recent interview. "It's been very wearing on me and my family. I think it's very unfair and very unfortunate that victims have to be revictimized years later by the institution that is supposed to protect them."
Gillmore's case has become a rallying cry for parole board critics, who say it demonstrated poor judgment about a sexual predator and shabby treatment of a rape victim.
"This guy is one of the worst rapists in the Oregon prison system," said Steve Doell, president of Oregon Crime Victims United. "God only knows what they were thinking in approving his release."
In the wake of Edens' lawsuit and a rebuke from a Marion County judge, the parole board agreed to reconsider Gillmore's case at a yet-to-be-scheduled hearing.
"It's been a true disappointment to see the parole board take the course of action that they have, although I think they've tried to rectify it now through the advice of counsel with this next hearing," said Russ Ratto, a senior deputy district attorney in Multnomah County who sued the board on behalf of Edens.
Edens clings to hope that the three-member panel will reach a different decision this time.
"He is a predator, he belongs in prison," she said. "He played normal and here he was a serial rapist, raping several women in his neighborhood."
Edens was 13 when Gillmore broke into her family's Portland-area home on the evening of Dec. 5, 1986. He threatened to kill the terrified girl, then raped her.
The Statesman Journal normally does not identify victims of sexual crimes. Edens asked to be identified by her maiden name. "I want other victims to feel that they can step forward, that they don't have to be held down," she said.
Now 35, Edens is married, the mother of three children and still lives in the Portland area. She is a blunt critic of the parole board, calling it "desensitized" to the plight of people whose lives have been ripped apart by violent criminals.
Between 1979 and 1981, Gillmore terrorized southeast Portland by committing a series of rapes. At that time, the then-unidentified rapist was known as the "jogger rapist" because he stalked his victims while he was jogging. After being arrested for raping Edens, Gillmore admitted to eight attacks linked to the "jogger rapist." He wasn't prosecuted for those rapes because they were too old under Oregon's then-applicable three-year statute of limitations.
A Multnomah County judge found Gillmore guilty of rape, burglary and two counts of sexual abuse in the Edens case in October 1987. The judge found Gillmore to be a sexually dangerous offender and sentenced him to 30 years in prison for the rape and burglary counts, with a 15-year minimum on each count.
The sentences were to run consecutively, meaning Gillmore had a 60-year sentence with a 30-year minimum.
In 1988, only a year after Gillmore was convicted, the parole board overrode one of his 15-year sentences. That made him eligible for parole in 2001.
The parole board nixed Gillmore's requests for release in 2001, 2003 and 2005. In September, it green-lighted him for parole. Edens said she learned about the board's release decision from her mother, who happened to check on Gillmore's status.
The notion of the serial rapist being back on the streets hit her like a lightning bolt, Edens said. Outraged, she and other family members contacted the parole board and "begged and pleaded" for a chance to testify. The board agreed to a rehearing in October.
In a hearing room at the Oregon State Correctional Institution in Salem, Edens faced the man who raped her when she was a junior high school student.
"That was really hard for me," she recounted. "It's like revisiting a nightmare. It was very surreal to see him after 21 years."
Edens urged the board to keep Gillmore incarcerated.
"To have raped so many women is a travesty," she testified. "But Richard Troy Gillmore only serving less than a third of his sentence for only one of the violent rapes he committed is an injustice to me and the seven other victims."
Multnomah County prosecutor Ratto also testified. He told the board that Gillmore would be "a monster on the loose" if let back into the community.
In his testimony, Gillmore described himself as rehabilitated. He wiped away tears when he apologized to Edens.
After the hearing, board members huddled behind closed doors — standard procedure — to discuss the case and reach a decision. After 45 minutes, the board returned to announce the verdict: Gillmore remained "a danger to the health or safety of others," but he "can be adequately controlled with supervision and mental health treatment which are available in the community."
The board set his release date for Dec. 18.
Edens dropped her head to the hearing room table and sobbed.
Even now, she can't understand why the board chose to let Gillmore out. She cited a psychological evaluation of him by Frank Colistro, a veteran forensic psychologist who concluded in a June report that Gillmore continues to "suffer from a severe personality disorder, one not amenable to community-based treatment or supervision."
"I couldn't believe that three professionals were taking a convicted serial rapist's word against an educated doctor's evaluation," Edens said. "I thought that was just asinine. They don't seem to understand who he is. He's one of these really sophisticated criminals, very manipulative, very sociopathic. He's a chameleon who can meld himself into whatever he needs to be so he can get what he wants."
To stop Gillmore's release, Edens and the Multnomah County district attorney's office sued the parole board late last year.
In January, Marion County Circuit Judge Paul Lipscomb blocked Gillmore's release pending a new parole-consideration hearing. He ruled that the board committed several procedural errors, including failing to give Edens proper notice about hearings and failing to provide a full written explanation of its decision to free Gillmore, despite finding that he was still dangerous.
It was a gratifying victory for Edens.
"That was really empowering for me and my family to have Judge Lipscomb really take the facts in, take his time and really make a good statement," she said.
Lipscomb said he lacked authority under Oregon law to reverse "any ill-advised or mistaken release decision" by the parole board. However, the judge added that he felt compelled to express concerns about the board's decision to free the rapist, noting that "the only available expert evidence documents that Gillmore is even more dangerous and less amenable to be safely managed in the community than he appeared in 2001, 2003, 2005 and in April of 2007."
After the judge's rebuke, parole officials defended the decision to release Gillmore in a written statement: "In deciding that Mr. Gillmore could be adequately supervised in the community, the board considered Mr. Gillmore's long record of positive prison conduct and responsible work history, the many classes and treatment programs he has successfully completed, as well as his understanding of his past criminal behavior."
The parole board could have appealed Lipscomb's ruling. Instead, the board ended the legal fight by agreeing to hold a new hearing. Plans call for Gillmore to be examined by two more psychologists prior to the hearing.
Awaiting the next round in her battle to keep Gillmore behind bars, Edens said she's eager to testify against him again.
However, she lacks faith in the board members who will decide his fate.
"I think a used car salesman could read a human being better than these three," she said.
agustafs@StatesmanJournal.com or (503) 399-6709
---
I don't have anything to say about this right now. I am severely disgusted. It does not make sense, not human, logical sense. I think it is important to look at the other news coverage of this, where is it? Releasing a serial rapist back into society sounds like important news to me.
love, jessieh
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