always so about everything.

Reader's Note: I apologize for being so busy. My schedule doesn't allow for much blogging time.
About last night:
Ms.Hepburn invited our studio (Studio 3) to dine together somewhere downtown. Some people excluded themselves from our merry adventure while the ones who did go had a great time, well sort of. We went to a tap room downtown and the food was disgusting. Everything. Even the nasty garlic bread was gross, it took 45 minutes for Ms.Hepburn's nasty food to come out and the waitress was rather irritating. It took much patience. After several interesting judgment calls, we left. Decided on ice-cream. It was a great bonding time. Several of our studio members really opened up with us about things and it was nice to really get to spend time with each other, outside of the studio. Ms.Hepburn and I are calling a Studio meeting for Wednesday night. We will play a of 'truth' and really get to know each other. I'm excited.
And this week:
Since I have been here, I have seriously contemplated the idea of purging five times. I will not purge. The idea, however is very tempting and I feel stronger for having resisted it. I am going to begin a diet on September 1st. I'd like to lose 20 pounds this semester. The physical activity I receive in my classes will certainly help with that.
I feel rather disconnected from the outside world here. There really isn't any access to the world outside of school and I haven't seen the news in over 9 days. It's disturbing. I feel, for the first time in my life, slightly sheltered. My fears and insecurities are heightened here and I have no sense of balance. Today will be devoted to sleep and school work.
My music library on my computer has expanded since I have been here thanks to my school's incredible music library. I haven't spoken to my parents since I have been here and my Grandfather really hates me. He hasn't spoken to me in two weeks. We are incredibly close and sometimes he decides that because I am 'selfish' and a horrible person, he doesn't want me to be a part of his life and cuts me off for awhile, gives me a weird silent treatment of sorts. It is immature.
I find myself not wanting to eat here. I am exhausted every day and I have panic attacks often. My close friend is wanting to hate me. I'm not close with anyone here really. I feel myself wanted to draw back, wanting to become as reclusive as possible and never speak to anyone again. I'm menstrual. My throat hurts, my head is pounding and the very thought of the conditioning class on Tuesday sends my thoughts into another world. I want to scream at people for seemingly insignificant things. I hate my body and I hate myself for hating my body.

Life is good.

love, jessieh

The day's events, event, what it was.

8:54, just breathed out at the end of Studio 4 monologue performance.

Studio 4 is incredible. I survived the conditioning class today. At one point the instructor asked us to perform a stretch for our back in which we eventually wind up with our toes touching the floor behind our heads and our faces directly in between our legs.

My body does not do this properly, it will not even consider it.

I have to read 40 pages tonight. Ms.Hepburn and I plan on reading it to each other aloud.

I will write more soon, I will not be neglecting this space. I may be incredibly boring with the events in my life right now because for awhile at least, I will be busy to the point of exhaustion busy and will be functioning on 3 to 4 hours of sleep, and rubbery eggs.

and a note for the evening: eating disorders never leave.

love, jessieh

Here

and it doesn't feel at all like I expected it to.

New Developments

Sigmund is coming to move me in as well. This is wonderful, and he is letting us use his mighty powerful van. It's a big white van that will hold all my lovely boxes.

"and I've got journals in my closet where skeletons used to be"

-A.W. Braunwin

love, jessieh

and this is my Grandfather and I.

a lovely pair of individuals.

the art of packing at 3:51 am

I wouldn't be doing this had I attended my workout at scheduled this morning at the crack of dawn. If I had gotten up, rode with Sam to the torture zone, and been severly tired- I would not be up right not packing everything. I would be forcing myself to sleep again tonight. I have officially packed all items but : hair conditioner, AAA batteries, AA batteries, one jumprope, all black clothes, and all daily clothes. Everything else is ready to be loaded into the trailer and hauled almost two hours north. This is good. I am overwhelmed with the constant thought of "Wow, we are leaving in less than 48 hours."

Wonderful news: We have found a therapist. God has supplied a therapist within walking distance to the school I'm going to and she specializes in sexual trauma. This is all very good. I am scheduled to have the first appointment with her in the beginning of September. Tomorrow ,I have a follow-up eye doctor's appointment.

I am exhausted yet today was good.

Fairytales for Children (well sort of)

Is fairytale a compound? Is compound even a word? Everything today and tomorrow and yesterday is feeling the way it feels when I literally grab a place on the ceiling to stare at and chant, "this is not happening" over and over again until whatever it is that is not happening ends. So much so that when I typed tomorrow, I was thinking of yesterday and when I typed yesterday I was thinking of tomorrow. I am tired. Exhausted, frankly and I feel like I have my monologues memorized, but not worked. When I work them, they feel as if they have already been worked and worked and don't want to be worked anymore. I am thanking God for everything wonderful that is happening. I am thanking God for everything not wonderful that is happening. I thank God for both the good and the awful of wonderful, and trust us, there are both goods and awfuls of wonderful. No one is answering the telephone. No one I am calling is answering their phones. I need you to answer your phone. Are you alive? The feet hurt except they don't belong so they can't hurt, but they do. I, plural, am a contradiction. Barnes and Noble doesn't sale Old's The Gold Cell. Bah, so guess what we do? We buy Sexton, because that's more than healthy and everything. Had that dream again last night. The one we had all week in the pink bedroom. Do you understand the process of being baptized? Yes. Yes. I do. And in Target we bump into three other students, if you count Ms.Hepburn who we didn't bump into. And I think: Where is the poetry? What are we, singular, doing? At the bank the woman asked, "So what are you? A dancer? An Artist?" and you choked and said, "Oh. I'm an actress." and it feels like Latin or something foreign on the tongue near saying, "Oh. I'm Female." or "I'm Caucasian" without the capitol letters. Vivian's husband joked about Twinkle Toes and we could have laughed too. It was a wonderful time of prayer and in the end everything was said to begin with.

love, we the people

"And I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart. "

-Jeremiah 24:7

PS: Thank you Meriluni

From the Trip

love, jessieh

Day Dream at 3:41am

love, jessieh

Filming Baskets

About the autobiography.

love, jessieh

I don't know these speakers.

A bad game of Jeopardy

"and down by the river the fisherman try and weep for the women, as stones, thrown like ships into the sea."

---

"We are all good people, or at least we are born that way. I don't believe anyone is born with a 'badness' about them. I believe good people make bad choices, and thereby become subject to a certain amount of 'badness'. Stealing someone's parking spot is a level 0.000025 badness while raping a child, is somewhere near a level 989,984,328,978,999,973,309,799,845,759,847,213.98 badness. I think my accumulated level of 'badness' is somewhere between a 20-30 on the badness scale and these numbers mostly involve self-inflicted harm. "

---

"I know I am probably driving you insane with this 'oh my goodness we have got to get ready. we're late, we're late, Alice in wonderland' planning business but when you get this comment would you please give me a call. I hate leaving voice mails on telephones or I would have called you and I personally feel like I have called you too many times today, even though I've only called you once. So, because I am neurotic and have evidently inherited by Grandmother's OCD by way of genetics: Please call me. I have a few more questions."

---

"For a fleeting moment on Saturday, I considered killing myself. Be not concerned."

---

"Dad, they call it 'kidnapping' because it is kidnapping."

-

love, jessieh

because it was especially great on Monday

http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/07_30_2007.html

and because I love Heather B. Armstrong

and her daughter Leta

and her dog

love, jessieh