Spare of the moment, trip in hopes of improving someone else's life.
On the gulf coast.
I will return on Saturday June 2, 2007.
With love, jessieh
On the gulf coast.
I will return on Saturday June 2, 2007.
With love, jessieh
5.28.2007
5.27.2007
Left ear pierced.
Got this jazz done today around 5pm. It's my "friendship" piercing, says Eden. Went to Melanie and Julie's Graduation Party. It was nice.
love, jessieh
5.26.2007
5.24.2007
I've been doing this for years.
I find this remarkably humorous because I've been doing this forever. Ha. I'm am a nut.
Angela Shelton on sexual intercourse, 7 years and swords...
Click To Play
This one is for the ladies. Watch this and do it. Don't make fun of what I'm wearing, check out my socks!
This is after I heard about the 7 years things from a yoga teacher - searching for her website now to share...
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5.23.2007
5.22.2007
Focus.
THE BAD
1. Children all over this free country are being tortured.
1. Children all over this free country are being tortured.
2. My school's administration has a problem with not only me wearing the word "vagina" on my shirt but evidently has an issue with the word "lesbian" as featured in an article I wrote about an accomplished, openly-homosexual senior at our school who lives with her much adored girlfriend. Because the administration became "concerned"(flipped-out), my school newspaper advisor has about 300 copies of the 28 page, special edition 75th Anniversary issue of the newspaper sitting in the back of his car. The printers are of course charging to make new ones. It seems that the faculty of Brookland-Cayce High School could simply overlook the word "lesbian". No one would force them to read the barely two-paragraph interview. There are 27 (and a half) other pages they could read, but it seems that the tight-knit community of Cayce, SC obviously would be utterly shocked to know that homosexuals actually attend the local high school. Imagine that- gay people actually reside and work and are productive, intelligent human beings- in Cayce, South Carolina? Really? (Notice the extreme sarcasm). That's just like when Joe Biden referred to Obama as "the first mainstream African- American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy."
To many people in this community, sexual orientation is considered a moral issue. These same people often overlook other "moral" issues like drinking too much, or smoking cigarettes, or beating children, or doing drugs, or telling white lies to a spouse, etc. I want to jump across my Principal's desk and say "If your Valedictorian got knocked up, would you keep her a secret?!" No. Because the truth is, if the Valedictorian were pregnant, people in the community would be tolerant- granted, they might dare to merge on questions like "How could someone so smart make such a dumb choice?"-but the overall opinion would be morphed around her academic accomplishments not her personal life. It frustrates me to know that it doesn't matter where I move someone will still have a problem with the word "lesbian". The "cast-down" to the article came over the discussion of it being "controversial" and a "moral issue" amongst our (majority) Christian community. If Brookland-Cayce doesn't have the support of the community, they could loose a few football jerseys. Bummer. I think the administration might be surprised as to how many Christians wouldn't freak out about there being a lesbian at our school. The Christians don't freak out because the students are sleeping together? They don't cause uproar over the common knowledge that students chew tobacco or smoke on and off campus...I am Christian. It doesn't "freak me" out to know that I have a classmate who is a beautiful person and yes, a lesbian. Yet we choose not to represent the students as who they are, because who they are, could hypothetically offend the community or be considered "immoral". If the community were really concerned with following fundamental Christian beliefs they would know that divorce is no more immoral in God's eyes than homosexuality, and perhaps work harder on bringing down the divorce rates...but that's just my two-cents.
3. I feel fat and disgusting and I have felt this way for about 6 days now.
4. I made a C on my English Exam. There were two tests and the two were averaged together. The first I took on a book I've never read and made a B on it. Funny. Eh? The second was on Julius Caesar, which I've read several times. I made a low C on that one. This grade is credited mostly to the detailed questions like "On what mountain did Caesar defeat Pompey?"...I don't know. Is that even in the play? I understand the general concept...I know a bunch Caesar's buddies didn't want Rome to be screwed up so they killed him. They felt like crap about it later, so they killed themselves. The end. - Wow. That summary would really tick off the Shakespeare Scholars, it would probably even irritate some of my close friends. Sorry Ms. Hepburn. If my English class didn't have windows all along the back wall that looked so tempting (especially while peppy students are reading aloud off-rhythm-censored-versions of Shakespeare) perhaps I'd find it more appealing. When we had to watch the movie, I rigged the blinds so I could look out the window and imagine myself flying. No one is ever going to ask me what mountain Caesar defeated Pompey on? If they do, I will surely call them an idiot to their face and ask them some random question about the temperature at which bread molds or something.
5. I haven't even thought about a graduation gift for Melanie and Julie and the party is in 4 days.
THE GOOD
1. I've been in touch with Jen. (See the link for Artconstellation under Recommended Reading)
2. I never have to go back to Brookland-Cayce High School again!
3. I'm listening to beautiful music on http://jessiehspeaks.imeem.com/playlist/qoKbk3vH/ . It's nice.
4. I have loving, patient, kind, generous, amusing sisters who I love more than anything, and they love me too which is a bonus.
5. I'm getting better even though I still feel like a basketcase.
6. I'm writing a lot.
7. Tomorrow morning I plan to spend my final hours of BC high school with my former history teacher who is at least 65, with a mustache and other admired physical qualities. I have a crush on him. He is far too old for any type of relationship. It's a pointless fascination, but it makes me feel silly and I need to be silly sometimes because I take myself entirely too seriously 98% of the time.
8. I made a high B on the math exam.
9. I have hid the diet cokes.
10. This list is longer than the bad, simpler too.
love, jessieh
5.21.2007
How I find time.
I fill time. I do it on purpose.
Someone I look up to and admire very much asked me today on the phone,
"How do you find time?"
I assume she was referring to this blog, to writing, to reading, to therapy, to art, to everything...
I don't find time. Time finds me. I fill that void space in the middle of the night, with doing something. I don't generally get up at 2 am and say, "OH! YIPPEE. TIME TO BLOG!" I do however get up. I get up and I go into another room, with the lights on and I sit down with a diet coke and sometimes I color. Yes. I color. I color or a write a really crappy poem, or I write down random thoughts, that I make time to later post here. A lot of people would see blogging as a completely useless, perhaps even lazy activity. That is only because they, the "blog haters" can not and will not fill their time with sharing their thoughts in an honest fashion to the world. The thought alone frightens them.
The person I was talking to isn't, to my knowledge, one of the "blog haters". If she were, she probably wouldn't read mine- she just happened to ask an interesting question. We find time for what we love, we also stress out about finding the time we think we won't be able to.
I write on this blog simply because writing makes me feel better. Feeling like I am able to share something with anyone makes me feel connected.
and we all need to feel connected. it's what makes us healthy. (among other things).
Meanwhile, I am
Reading sparknotes on Fahrenheit 451
I will never read this book.
I have an exam on it tomorrow.
I've got the general concept down.
love, jessieh
Someone I look up to and admire very much asked me today on the phone,
"How do you find time?"
I assume she was referring to this blog, to writing, to reading, to therapy, to art, to everything...
I don't find time. Time finds me. I fill that void space in the middle of the night, with doing something. I don't generally get up at 2 am and say, "OH! YIPPEE. TIME TO BLOG!" I do however get up. I get up and I go into another room, with the lights on and I sit down with a diet coke and sometimes I color. Yes. I color. I color or a write a really crappy poem, or I write down random thoughts, that I make time to later post here. A lot of people would see blogging as a completely useless, perhaps even lazy activity. That is only because they, the "blog haters" can not and will not fill their time with sharing their thoughts in an honest fashion to the world. The thought alone frightens them.
The person I was talking to isn't, to my knowledge, one of the "blog haters". If she were, she probably wouldn't read mine- she just happened to ask an interesting question. We find time for what we love, we also stress out about finding the time we think we won't be able to.
I write on this blog simply because writing makes me feel better. Feeling like I am able to share something with anyone makes me feel connected.
and we all need to feel connected. it's what makes us healthy. (among other things).
Meanwhile, I am
Reading sparknotes on Fahrenheit 451
I will never read this book.
I have an exam on it tomorrow.
I've got the general concept down.
love, jessieh
5.17.2007
5.16.2007
5.15.2007
Angela Shelton Speaks.
I talk about a technique to hold your inner child and get out of a panic attack.
In this video I talk about the epidemic of abuse, the effects it has on survivors and how so many people live in the fog of denial. Fun!
This is a way to get out of panic attacks. I met with Dr. Alman who teaches self hypnosis.
My ALL TIME FAVORITE
Here's a shorter clip of what to do when you feel like acting crazy and screaming and yelling and beatin' on things inside - release it instead.
5.14.2007
Enjoying Senseless conversation with Eden.
I love my sister. I love her. I do.
Working on English project, about a book I'll never read.
So hungry. I want an eggroll.
Working on English project, about a book I'll never read.
So hungry. I want an eggroll.
5.12.2007
Angela Shelton Speaks Again. Praise God!
In this video Angela speaks to survivors about healing and stopping self abuse.
Â
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5.10.2007
Reading- Lolita
Jessieh is reading... (and you ask why?)
Yes. I am reading Lolita.
My first comment: The review board of Vanity Fair must consist of several strangely sick individuals. There is NO love in pedophilia. When a man engages in sexual activity with a twelve year old- it is pedophilia.
Why I am reading Lolita:
Several reasons:
A.) I enjoy reading controversial material, especially when I know I have a bias in the matter. It leaves me with questions and answers to find. It also gives me something to argue about.
B.) I intend to write a very very very informative paper about the book once I am finished and I plan to deconstruct some of the viewpoints clearly presented (i.e. "Lolita is a love story.").
C.) It allows me to take a some-what political stand against sexual abuse, instead of only taking a personal stand against it.
Tid bits of Lolita (as of page 71):
- The pedophile-narrator named Humbert had intentions of becoming a Psychiatrist. Which I find incredibly interesting.
- The sicko-Humbert-is convinced he is the power of the universe. He views himself as some form of god. Humbert, the pervert, claims that certain girls: "nymphets" can only be identified by an "artists or a madman". He tells of how men are subject to the "spells" of the "nymphets". According to Humbert: Everything a "nymphet" (a vulnerable young girl between the ages of nine and fourteen) does can be thought of as solicitation.
- Humbert spent time in a mental hospital playing mind games with shrinks. Who let him go?
- Humbert begins writing down everything Lolita does. He is obsessed. He considers the tying of her shoes to a sex act in disguise.
- Lolita's mother flirts with Humbert even as he obviously preys on her twelve year old daughter. His advances are becoming more and more direct, blatant, often, and intentioned. I can tell from what I have read thus far that -this mother- is going to make me very angry. Probably as angry as Humbert is making me.
- Lolita is twelve years old and confused out of her mind.
love, jessieh
Yes. I am reading Lolita.My first comment: The review board of Vanity Fair must consist of several strangely sick individuals. There is NO love in pedophilia. When a man engages in sexual activity with a twelve year old- it is pedophilia.
Why I am reading Lolita:
Several reasons:
A.) I enjoy reading controversial material, especially when I know I have a bias in the matter. It leaves me with questions and answers to find. It also gives me something to argue about.
B.) I intend to write a very very very informative paper about the book once I am finished and I plan to deconstruct some of the viewpoints clearly presented (i.e. "Lolita is a love story.").
C.) It allows me to take a some-what political stand against sexual abuse, instead of only taking a personal stand against it.
Tid bits of Lolita (as of page 71):
- The pedophile-narrator named Humbert had intentions of becoming a Psychiatrist. Which I find incredibly interesting.
- The sicko-Humbert-is convinced he is the power of the universe. He views himself as some form of god. Humbert, the pervert, claims that certain girls: "nymphets" can only be identified by an "artists or a madman". He tells of how men are subject to the "spells" of the "nymphets". According to Humbert: Everything a "nymphet" (a vulnerable young girl between the ages of nine and fourteen) does can be thought of as solicitation.
- Humbert spent time in a mental hospital playing mind games with shrinks. Who let him go?
- Humbert begins writing down everything Lolita does. He is obsessed. He considers the tying of her shoes to a sex act in disguise.
- Lolita's mother flirts with Humbert even as he obviously preys on her twelve year old daughter. His advances are becoming more and more direct, blatant, often, and intentioned. I can tell from what I have read thus far that -this mother- is going to make me very angry. Probably as angry as Humbert is making me.
- Lolita is twelve years old and confused out of her mind.
love, jessieh
5.09.2007
5.07.2007
Stressing Out
I am becoming anxious about Governor's School. I know that Ms. Hepburn will be there and I'll have Lindsey for a roommate and Ms. Hepburn will be living right next to me if I need her for anything. I won't be alone, It's just beginning to hit me what I will be. I will be without the twins. I can't stand being away from them for 72 hours let alone the first six weeks of the year. They will not let us go home for the first six weeks. They want to keep us away from our "mommies and daddies" so that we won't freak out and decide not to stay for the rest of our junior and senior years. I'm freaking out. About so many things. I have to pass math. I'm going to stay in therapy while away at school. I'm not exactly sure how there is going to be time for therapy. My schedule will literally look something like this...
6:00am-Wake.
6:25-Get out of shower.
7:15 -Be ready for the day.
7:30 -Breakfast.
8:00- Math
9:15- English
10:30- Science
11:45- Lunch
12:30- Ballet
1:15- Contemporary Acting
2:30- Voice and Speech
3:45- Kill-Your-Body Workout
5:15- Dinner & Shower (I'll eat fast)
6:00- Classical Acting
7:15- Viewpoints
9:30- Back to Dorms
10:00- Study Time
11:30- Lights out
I don't see time for a fifteen minute phone call to the twins, let alone an hour of therapy once a week. I know I need to continue therapy, I'm just worried about A.) Talking to Mr. Dan Murray about it and B.) Where it is going to fit... and then there is this whole thing about how much everything is going to end up costing. -I need jazz and ballet shoes. I have neither. I'm going to need an entire black wardrobe. The required texts and suggested texts. School supplies. Linens. A working lap top and flash drive. A mini-refrigerator because if I don't have one I'm going to be in serious trouble with the absurd amount of money I would be spending on buying diet coke from vending machines. -and that's not even the third of it.
Then there is time management skills, getting in shape, being able to survive the kill-your-body workouts. Not freaking out every time I have to say my name. Being one-hundred percent honest with Ms. Hepburn as far as she being my accountability partner. I'm terrified that I'll starve as soon as I get up there. That I'll simply just stop eating. It's awful. It's a bad thought. I know I'm going to eat. I want to be healthy.
and on top of everything else I have this terrible, paranoid, fear that I am going to somehow die before I get there. But I don't feel so weird for having this thought because Ms. Hepburn recently confided in me and said : me too.
love, jessieh
5.03.2007
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