to the readers:

I do not know what to write about.

I miss Jenny. She is away in Italy.

I miss the twins. They light up the world.

Today was orientation day. It was nice to see the rising students, one of whom is going to be our roommate next year. Her name is Jessika. She's quite talented.

Right now, I should be writing an essay on the meaning of Stanislaski's life. Some people spell it "Stanislavsky". I should also be lesson-planning for a 34 year old woman named May who lives in a motel located on the edge of Las Vegas.

Instead I am stopping here to make a list of happenings.

I am terrified about next year. Therapy went well on Friday. I babysit a six year old tomorrow morning. I am excited, I love children. Most people don't think I'd be good with kids because of my slightly cynical nature but I really love small children. They are so creative.

Being around kids is sometimes hard for me and I feel like I am challenging myself every time I spend time with them. Sometimes I feel really depressed after watching a child be a child. But it is a very beautiful experience, they just do kid things, play pretend and run around and become horses and lions and dogs and they ask you to be the dog catcher and you can show them card tricks and they don't even try to figure it out, they just revel in the magic of it. Without hesitation or questions.

Tomorrow, Sam and I show the film "Searching for Angela Shelton" and lead a discussion about it. I'm really excited and I hope people show up. We went on the awareness walk on Wednesday. It was nice and personal and small group, and the girls from my Studio tagged along so I am hoping it meant something to them as well. We gave our acting instructor a sexual violence awareness ribbon and he put it on proudly. An advocate from the local rape crisis center is also coming to speak tomorrow night.

My wisdom teeth are coming in and I am finding it hard to avoid my strong temptation to pull them out with pliers. I am still trying to lose weight. I still haven't completed the cover for Journal # 2800.

Our seniors are in a workshop production of Thorton Wilder's Our Town. It is very politically motivated and fresh which makes it so much more than a play about a small town. It's really become a play about many of the social concerns we experience today and it's powerful and I love it.

I'm listening to music right now and I feel relaxed and tired and good.

Scene work is going well. Showcase is May 16th and 17th. That's scary.

Sam and I still have to memorize the Roe v. Wade play.

We perform it on the 16th as well. I'm nervous and terrified.

The toenails are painted. Children everywhere are being abused in unimaginable ways. God loves.

love, jessieh

Sunday Morning Post (Time Flies)

I will write more very soon.

love, jessieh

Sunday Morning Post

If the following picture does not frighten you; nothing will.

Prom was last night. It was slightly enjoyable. There have been worse events in my life.

I have rehearsal today, I'm nervous for some reason. I am going to work some more in Journal #2800 today. I am excited. The cover work is almost done. My stomach hurts from the food last night. I've been eating very little these past seven days. Healthy, but little.

We lost seven pounds last week.

My dear Artconstellation is still away in Italy with her lover. I know they are happy.

I had therapy yesterday morning.

I miss my twins very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very much.

---

Sam: What about my money?

Jessieh: You don't need your money.

Sam: What if The Rapture comes?

Jessieh: Sam, if The Rapture comes you won't need your money.

Sam: Yes I will. I have to pay off Jesus.

---

love, we

April is Sexual Violence Awareness Month

Three videos promoting awareness. Please be warned, these videos (especially the third) may prove triggering. Viewer discretion is strongly advised.

For more information please visit the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) at http://www.rainn.org/. If you are a survivor of sexual violence and are seeking assistance contact RAINN's 24 hour, free, confidential Sexual Assault hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE.







love, jessieh

PS: More awareness oriented blogging to come.

137 Children removed from polygamist ranch (while we have shopping troubles.)

The following story made breaking news today while I was out struggling to find shoes for the prom I am dreading in a size 9.5. I have recently decided that not only does the fashion industry have their hearts set on selling skirts with less than 3 inches of fabric to my pubescent sibling but they also have no comprehension of it being one of the many reasons why 1 out of every 4 girls in this country now has an STD. I also realized today that I must lose 30 pounds in order to be able to fit into a a pair of jeans. There was ONE size 12 pair of pants in the ENTIRE store today and the store was not small. They had plenty of sizes 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, and even 9. May I state for the record: WHEN I WAS BARELY 100 POUNDS, THE SMALLEST SIZE I COULD FIT INTO WAS A SIZE 8. A SIZE 8 AT BARELY ONE HUNDRED POUNDS. Needless to say I am a little frustrated with the fashion industry's desire to have my hips and my feet fit into something a size 5, 6, or 7. And what is with cutting out the toe on a pair of pumps. That is just ugly. The average foot is not a pretty one. The average woman's body is not a size 7, it is a size 14. Perhaps the money spent making the piece of crap almost 3 inches of denim to make the horrendous skirts I found everywhere in the teen/junior department could be used to add an extra almost 3 inches to the waist of some of those could-be useful blue jeans-

but what am I complaining for; at least we have the ability to buy a pair of blue jeans. Things could be much worse.

Meanwhile, while I am griping about not being able to find a pair of shoes:

ELDORADO, Texas (CNN) -- Dozens more children and young women were removed Saturday from a Texas ranch that is home to members of a polygamist sect, as state workers investigated claims of physical and sexual abuse.

A total of 183 people -- including 137 children -- have been taken away since law enforcement officers raided the compound Thursday night, said Marleigh Meisner, a spokeswoman for the Texas Child Protective Services Division. The children -- most of them girls -- were being interviewed by special investigators, she said.
"We're trying to find out if they're safe," she explained. "We need to know if they have been abused or neglected." Eighteen of the girls have been taken into state custody. Authorities believe that they "had been abused or were at immediate risk of future abuse," said Child Protective Services spokesman Darrell Azar. The others were taken to a nearby civic center. Meisner described them as doing "remarkably well."

Read more about it Here.

love, jessieh

PS: I will write more soon.

The Girl by Marie Howe

While this is not my favorite poem by Marie Howe, it is one that feels appropriate for tonight.

THE GIRL BY MARIE HOWE

So close to the end of my childbearing life

without children

-if I could remember a day when I was utterly a girl

and not yet a woman-

but I don't think where was a day like that for me.

When I look at the girl I was, dripping in her bathing suit,

or riding her bike, pumping hard down the newly paved street,

she wears the furtive look-

and even if I could go back in time to her as me, the age I am now

she would never come into my arms

without believing that I wanted something.