Scissors

Note to Self, plural, and other things:

We need this book. Personal Geographies and Other Maps of the Imagination.

And Lloyd, the Magician and myself in perfect union.

Night Poem

by Margaret Atwood

There is nothing to be afraid of,
it is only the wind
changing to the east, it is only
your father the thunder
your mother the rain

In this country of water
with its beige moon damp as a mushroom,
its drowned stumps and long birds
that swim, where the moss grows
on all sides of the trees
and your shadow is not your shadow
but your reflection,

your true parents disappear
when the curtain covers your door.
We are the others,
the ones from under the lake
who stand silently beside your bed
with our heads of darkness.
We have come to cover you
with red wool,
with our tears and distant whispers.

You rock in the rain's arms,
the chilly ark of your sleep,
while we wait, your night
father and mother,
with our cold hands and dead flashlight,
knowing we are only
the wavering shadows thrown
by one candle, in this echo
you will hear twenty years later.

"Night Poem" by Margaret Atwood, from Selected Poems II: Poems Selected & New 1976-1986. © Houghton Mifflin Co., 1987.

Follow the adventure

I am in DC with my dear friend Jenny.
Follow the adventure here.

I have graduated from school.

I will write more soon.

I am off to Bennington in the fall.

love, jessieh

probably wondering where we've been

I am trying not to document much of the "Oh, Jessieh is going to college next year" information here and until I am sure which school I am going to I do not want to write about college at all and to be quite frank college decisions and admissions things are taking up about 68% of my life right now, the other approximate 32% is consumed by the following:

• The Comedy of Errors, which opens on Shakespeare's birthday; April 23rd.
• Directing a scene-study from David Rabe's In the Boom Boom Room
• Directing a reading of a play I wrote called Page Numbers as a continuation to our (Sam and I) Humanities Project and as a benefit reading for RAINN
• Directing a reading of A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant and A Prayer as a benefit reading for V-DAY. Both Page Numbers and MMRP will be presented on the same night.
• Thinking about going to see Jenny on May 24th in Washington DC and almost jumping out of my skin with excitement.
• Being thrilled for her about the completion of the wall-drawing project.
• Trying to both win my school's science fair with my project on Dissociative Experiences and the Artistic Temperament and make straight As my last 9 weeks of school. I want to end with a bang!
• The Existential Crisis and Trusting In God.
• (Trying not to think about the Holocaust.)
• Struggling with food.
• Getting my beautiful little sister, Jordan (Jourdan), ready to go to prom with me in a few weeks.
• Trying to cope with the fact that my dress for Luciana in The Comedy of Errors does not have sleeves, meaning that my arms will show- which let me tell you- hasn't quite happened in a public manner in what seems to be years.
• Thinking about leaving my Studio in just 7 weeks.
• Missing Patty and looking forward to his return.
• Wanting to go to Bennington so badly but knowing that money will play a huge huge role in whether or not I can.
• Needing a vehicle and a job for summer, both of which seem to get in the way of each other. I can't get a job without a reliable way to and from work and I can't get a vehicle without having money from a job. Not to mention-the unemployment rate in SC is rising with each passing moment and last I checked it was almost 11% which is terrifying considering I will be 18 with no "real" work experience and fresh out of a high school that isn't exactly a high school. The other problem is we refuse to work around food. I cannot work with food. Ideally, I would love to be a receptionist or a book store clerk or work in a library or maybe even a department store but not food.

There is more, of course, and I will write more soon, very soon. The College decision will have to be made by May 1st.

love, jessieh

Thank you Cy Twombly

Crowded

Things at this season in my life are extremely busy and crowded.

As soon as the decision about where I am going to college is made I will be back to writing.

I recently recieved an email asking, "Where have you been?".

I have been busy and crowded. Things are difficult to communicate these days because of all the happenings. I shall return soon to at-least-once-a-week blogging.

love, jessieh

PS: Obama is President. :) Yippy.

Where we have been.

A small, rather pointless list:
1. Applying to more than twenty colleges. I should be slapped.
2. I have been out of touch for more than a few days.
3. I ate organic yogurt last night with pineapple and white chocolate chips and I don’t feel the least bit guilty about it.
4. I am trying to lose weight.
5. Standardized Testing says nothing about a person’s true intelligence.
6. I have decided that I belong at a Women’s College.
7. Sam and I presented our project on Tuesday.
8. Now the real work begins, with V-DAY and RAINN and the original play we are writing.
9. Christmas is coming soon.
10. I am going to Chicago to audition for schools in February.
11. We will be there the 3rd , 4th , and 5th. Scary.
12. Thanksgiving was surprisingly borderline painless.
13. I drove a good thirty miles to speak to my father’s father- who I haven’t spoken to in some good number of years. He is dying. We said goodbye.
14. My life is being ruled by college applications.
15. I haven’t been having real human conversations with people about anything meaningful.
16. I am stressed to a maximum stress point over the everyday, common experience of a person my age for one of the first times in my life and I must say, it is a relief in some ways.
17. The brain has been on fire for the last two or three weeks.
18. The Greek Shows are over and I miss Andromache and Adonica very much.
19. Children everywhere are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
20. There is a God.

Loaded Words

Stay away from the treehouse
don't separate the two words, tree and house, they
are both together, in whole, forbidden
synonym to swimmingpool, but pull those apart;
constantly waiting to see what it is that you are
waiting for.
zero. hit zero, my pants were made in Russia
husband and wife in trashcan, missing legs
a dancer, can you believe that?

and she dies but we can't remember which
one, if any, lived
you didn't flush the toilet. How many times have I
told you about that, there is no soap and you
read about fixing things.
I can not speak but I do function properly.
Monsters are in that room with you.
I called your dentist, knew the teacher
was a real thought, and there are so many pictures
for the time at Christmas

with cards ripped open from the top
perforated edges and bedtime
defense attorneys push invisible buttons
on the floor, near paper cut outs of who we
used to be.
Take a swig from the brown and let it slide back
through into the bad places where Vachss said,
"talking doesn't get things fixed"

and I wonder what would have happened had I told you something
other than, penciled in another response more like
there goes your phone, it rings
and you still reach for it, and my head repeats words that now
Icanneversay, stuck in the place where
they gave me water in a morphine drip and even I
want so badly to just believe, but the water isn't fixing anything.

H and B and J (good-day for the comedians)

Obama wins. We dance and rejoice.

love, jessieh

Gov. Sarah Palin on SNL

Rape Survivors' Words Help Jolt Congo Into Change

Read: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/18/world/africa/18congo.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

love, jessieh

warning: we would display article here, but for some it may be triggering.

RAINNmaking: Fundraising for RAINN

RAINN offers free, confidental support twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Their phone number is 1-800-656-HOPE and their online hotline can be reached at www.rainn.org.

Sam and I are becoming RAINNmakers. We are wanting to raise money for the Rape, Abuse, and Incest, National Network as part of our Humanties' project. we are writing, directing, and producing a performance piece for the spring of 2009 that addresses the issues of sexual violence on a local, national, and global level as the main focus of our Humanities’ project.

As part of our efforts to raise awareness of these crimes and their direct impact on the everyday lives of women, children and men everywhere we are hoping to raise money for RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization.

We believe that getting help is the single most critical step a victim of sexual violence can take on the path to becoming a survivor. It is vital that victims have access to free and anonymous support services whenever needed. RAINN provides a safe outlet where victims and their friends and family can go to receive free, live and anonymous support around the clock.

If you would like to make a contribution please visit our Rainnmaker page at http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/JessiehSam , where you will find very simple instructions on how to donate and assist in our efforts to aid those impacted by sexual violence.

This organization means a great deal to us and we hope that you will support our efforts to enable RAINN to help more victims. We also have plans to fundraise on local and global levels by working with community Rape Crisis centers and V-Day: A Global Movement to End Violence Against Women and Girls. We hope you will contribute your financial support and we hope to see you in the spring of 2009. We thank you for your enthusiasm, encouragement and efforts.

In thanks, Jessieh Johnson-Cunningham and Sam Orr

A message from SAFER (Students Active for Ending Rape):

Attached you will find a press release from Students Active for Ending Rape (SAFER) about our new sexual assault policies database. (http://www.safercampus.org/policies.php) The database archives sexual assault policies from colleges and universities across the nation. We hope that providing examples of effective policies will assist student activists in reforming their own school’s sexual assault policy. The database also allows students to comment on whether or not their school actually implements the policies as they have been written.

We’re reaching out to student activists this week, asking them to comment on the policy at their school if it is in the database already, or submit their school’s policy for inclusion if it is not.

Thanks, SAFER

------

I am hoping to help SAFER reach students by publicizing the database here. (http://www.safercampus.org/policies.php)

The policy database can only be useful if students know their resources exist. Please share this great resource with your friends, coworkers, and fellow students.

love, jessieh

( top: do you remember when we were kids//and built the greatest castles on the beach//how the sun set and the tide slowly rolled in//and the waves slowly took everything from us without mercy//how we tried to save what could not be saved//fought with such fervor so peculiar//cursing and screaming and without a chance//didn't wonder for a second what was up with us//and when it was over, we only laughed//and drenched in sweat we asked ourselves what did we do//we could not have won, could only lose//the philosophers in us started to philosophize//why you do something even if it is hopeless//when you should rather stop if you are reasonable//we sat and talked and the sun went down//and we reached this conclusion that I found so formidable even then//what should we have done?//what should we have done?//maybe it's sometimes wrong to stay cool//but maybe it's wrong to decide for that//while we didn't give up together, we were so proud//no stupdid "so what!" and no simple "what for!"I would give at least one leg to dance with you one more time. and the rest, if I could only have you back in my life.

bottom: stop hating yourself.

please get well again.

we miss you.

The number of boys and girls with eating disorders is increasing )

love, jessieh

the terrible truth ( a list of the events and what-not leading to now)

1. (Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun introduced to me by Jenny. Number One on this list is a crudely paraphrased, yet very important idea of hers) We must accept the simple truth that pain is only human and knowing that, we must abandon all hope that we can escape it. Instead, we must learn and practice sitting with the pain, allowing it to impact us and make choices to help each other. We must learn to take care.

2. We are all in some kind of love.

3. I will not be another Prozac popper.

4. Sometimes I feel guilty to be living this life. Thousands upon thousands of children are being raped and butchered and eviscerated. The guilt motivates. It is the terrible truth behind my desires.

5. I enjoy Prob. & Stats. I love AP Lit. I am happiest in two places; with those I love and onstage.

6. College is this big giant sea of anxiety. I am so excited. I love the idea of being somewhere else that I can learn, and feast and develop. Right now though, I cannot imagine that day that I leave this school. It means leaving the work, leaving Studio IV, leaving the instructors and educators. My heart is filled with overwhelming gratitude to this institution.

7. I don't know where God is, but I know God must be somewhere.

8. Let's just get better together. And then some.

9. We are going to change the world. All of us. We humans, we're running out of other options.

10. Sarah Palin needs to stay in Alaska. They obviously like her there.

11. In the race for the cure, I came in 708th. Right behind a 78 year old man and a 7 year old little boy named Thomas. Great life.

12. We are Trojan women.

13. Yesterday we celebrated Banned Books week and the battle of censorship. We had a reading in the courtyard. I read from Dorothy Allison's Bastard Out of Carolina and Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues. Others read from Ulysses, The Handmaid's Tale and Brave New World.

14. Paul Newman died on Saturday. He and Joanne Woodward have been married for almost 50 years. The idea of him dying summons the idea of her dying and the day that she dies is going to be a sad sad day.

love, jessieh

Three pictures from the first month.

I will write more soon.

love, jessieh

In reply: (and PS)

I have recieved several e-mails wondering "where the blogging has gone to?". I promise to write very very soon. At the moment though my living-load is significantly overwhelming and trying, even attempting to sort things into some kind of order with words at this moment seems very difficult. I promise to write later today, at least to give an update of sorts.

love, jessieh