A long long time ago, your mother should know

if we look, there is no remembering what we are looking at

June Cleaver and Cheeseburgers.

love, jessieh

the first conversation we've had in what seems like a long long time, phone call aftermath

Last night, a little after ten here, I had what seems to be one of the only full and complete conversations I've had in the past couple of weeks. Time has been a funny, not ha-ha, but strange thing for us recently and working as a system of thoughts, rather than separate-individuals seems like it will never be possible. My artsy-constellation and I had a phone date, that was interrupted by
three other phone calls,
one dead cell phone battery,
a desire to drink a huge cup of ice cold diet coke,
a thought of the condition and discrimination of the homosexual in America,
a long series of thoughts regarding the condition of the child in America,
six monologues; none of which are even appropriate for me to memorize for school in less than a month,
this huge huge blanket of pictures of Jenny getting on a train to see a piece of art she's been wanting to see for years if she ever needs to run away while in Italy,
the realization that parts of both of us have been wondering how she is going to do this; while part of me is writing about it in a library with the sun hitting her face 14 hours earlier,
one-almost panic attack in a parking lot,
and the constant inner-chatter of a group of females ranging in age from four to forty-six.

Welcome to our life.

After the phone call, which somehow ended up being huge-crying-mess about our (singular) hypothetical fears for the future, that are really not so much hypothetical fears as they are giant concerns about past events- I hung up really wishing that I had let her do most of the talking, and feeling like a non-supportive friend- but then I realized that we (plural) did talk, and that I just felt like I talked the most because I haven't really been talking the past few days.

But it all sums up to this, in the end anyway:
She is moving to Italy in less than six days. She is taking her cats with her and will not be out of touch. On the scale of things dealt with in life, she will be able to accomplish all things.

I am going back to school in less than 25 days. I will have four contrasting monologues, two classical, two contemporary memorized before I go back and will be at least 11 pounds lighter than I am right now. And on the scale of these, seemingly very small problems I seem to be having, there is a conclusive fact that I realize about everything :

It would be so much nicer if this whole thing were about her giant, bold, brave move to Italy and my finding 3-5 minute stage worthy pieces so that my instructors are not completely disappointed in me. It is about so much more. We will both keep living. It's the most important thing. We will both be more-than-knowing in a way we wish we didn't have to know what F.Scott Fitzgerald meant when he said, ""So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

love, we

A note from my soon-to-be-Italian favorite:

The following is from my artsy-constellation:

Multiple personality disorder with a cherry on top.
I am sure that moving to a new country is challenging for most people. I think that taking two cats and having a divided mind escalates that challenge. The cat part is actually under control and as Stefano wrote in an email to me tonight, "I am so glad that you got all the forms signed so that Lloyd and Winston are ready for becoming Italian citizens." :-) So that part seems easy now compared to the whole "I-have-different-ways-of-thinking-and-those-ways-of-thinking-are-usually-not-on-the-same-page" issue. This is where the real difficulty is.

Here is a snap-second inside my head: "My to-do list seems too long.", "All of the important things have been done and now I am really just worrying while I wait- there is not much left to do.", "What if Stefano becomes overwhelmed by how much therapy work I have to do still and can not tolerate me?", "Which pants should I wear on the plane?", "Will I be able to get poultry flavored cat toothpaste in Italy?", "Is cat toothpaste more expensive in Italy?", "Why did my high school guidance counselor not inform my mother when I showed her the burns from where I was putting cigarettes out on my legs?", "I will be able to hug and kiss Stefano in less than one million seconds.", "Should I grab a box of yellow cake mix and take it with me so I can introduce Stefano to the joy of Betty Crocker on his birthday or should I make him a fruit pie instead?".

I am going to take my anti-anxiety medicine now and try to calm down. While I wait for the medicine to start working I will go back to work on the drawing I started earlier tonight.... an image of the head of Medusa.

Perfect.
---

love, jessieh

The happenings for now.

I cannot post pictures of the almost-completed mural simply because the pictures are on Eve's camera and her camera cord is missing somewhere in her house and- I just saw the most bizarre thing I have seen in awhile, allow me to interrupt the mural story and reasons why I don't have pictures yet- I am sitting in a chair, at a table, next to a giant glass window on the second floor of the Public Library. I am in the corner and if I look out of the window I can see the happenings on the street below me. Two brothers, I assume by the harsh-resemblance they bear to one another were walking the cross walk, a woman with helmet is walking her bike behind them. The two brothers both dressed in black, were walking with a certain swing in their walk and then suddenly; without apparent reason, the shorter of the brothers hit the taller one in the face. The taller brother then shoved the smaller one into the road and the biker that was following closely behind, straddled the seat of her bike and rode off in the direction she came. This indeed was a bizarre sighting for an early Tuesday afternoon and seemed to be worthy of note- Anyway, I don't pictures of the mural. I was only going to write that I am working on the play we've been writing for the past however long and will post pictures sometime in the next three days. My Great-Grandmother passed away at 1:52pm EST on Friday, July 18th. I am not saddened by her passing, she was satisfied by the life she lived.

From The State Obituaries:

Risinger, Mary Willis- LEXINGTON - Funeral services for Mary Willis Risinger, 93, will be held at 2:00 p.m. Tuesday, July 22, 2008, at Caughman-Harman Funeral Home, Lexington Chapel, with interment in Elmwood Memorial Park and Cemetery. The family will receive friends from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. Monday, July 21, 2008, at the funeral home. Memorials may be made to River of Life Christian Fellowship, 3955 Southeastern Way, Suite 3B, West Columbia, SC 29169.
Mrs. Risinger, born in Batesburg-Leesville, SC October 2, 1914, passed away Friday, July 18, 2008. She was a daughter of the late Arthur Willis and Teresa Hayes Willis. Mrs. Risinger was a member of River of Life Christian Fellowship. She was an owner and operator of 2 grocery stores in Richland County. She was a faithful Sunday school teacher and member of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union. She was a faithful Christian who loved sharing Jesus with others.
Mrs. Risinger is survived by her daughters, Nelda Laird of Tampa, FL, Marie Ouzts of Cayce, SC and T***** D*** and son-in-law, B*** D*** of West Columbia, SC; son, Henry Daniel “Dan” Risinger of Lexington, SC; 13 grandchildren, 14 great-grandchildren and 1 great-great-grandchild. She was predeceased by her husband, Henry O. Risinger; sister, Bessie Hutchinson; brother, Ollie Willis; daughter, Betty R. Elkin; son, Gerald David Risinger and grandson, Dedrick Elkin.

love, jessieh

These silly kids.

These pictures are wonderfully exciting. Click here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/artconstellation/sets/72157606011346913/

love, jessieh

out of function and other matters

we often wonder if anyone in my family ever reads my blog. i doubt it because the few times we have shared it with them, they have seemed a little less than interested. today, i got a voicemail from my mother. I haven't gotten a voicemail or a phone call from my mother in a long long long long time. It was stunning. It was quite obvious that she hasn't left a voicemail for me in an even longer time. She didn't even know what to say or how to say it; it was filled with many "ums" and "uhs" and then a really awkward remark about how they didn't miss me. I am still kind of stunned by it because for the first time I am taking a stand and saying, "No. I don't want to live this way, I don't want to be part of such an unhealthy family for the rest of my life." And now she calls. It's slightly upsetting because I was away at school for a year and will be returning soon. The entire time I was at school my parents contacted me maybe, maybe four times. I received more encouragement and excitement from strangers than I did from some of my family members. I am making a lot of choices and decisions right now and some of them are very difficult, I mean it is weird, calling up your family and saying, "Hey, I'm moving out soon, will you still sign my papers for school?" and not only do you get the response of cooperation, of "yes, I will sign them." but it is, "Yes. I will sign your papers, do you need help with the boxes?". I was a little frazzled by this response, just a little-really not that much, it was more like a stunned weirdness than anything else; I was a little bit upset. I don't really know why though. Then after talking about it and over it, we came to a conclusion; I mean IT IS A GOOD THING THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO HELP ME, and while it may be A LITTLE WEIRD that they aren't trying to fight me on this, I mean I didn't want them to fight me, I prayed that God would guide this process and I mean the less confusion the better. It would be mass-confusion if they didn't want to sign my papers, if they didn't offer to help me move. It is a good thing and it is what I really wanted. I wanted them to help me, because it makes things easier and there is nothing confusing about having a family who says, "Here, let me help you leave." But there is something sort of odd and painful about it but I guess that's typical behavior given the fact that it is all so dysfunctional anyway. As much as I don't want to admit it, any help they can offer me is going to be greatly appreciated. We have so much to figure out and we are trying not to worry or be anxious about any of this stuff, there is so much more to focus on in the next month.

Jenny leaves tomorrow. We are in complete denial. We don't want her to leave. She tried on wedding dresses today. It was so beautiful. She was in bed on Monday and Tuesday, sick with a flu she caught from two carrier monkeys on the flight out here. She flew in last Friday,on a very small-very-Mid-Western airline where instead of offering pretzels and the complimentary snack, the flight attendant came by with a tub of individually wrapped cheeseburgers. She declined and was then contaminated by the two little boy-human-carrier monkeys sitting beside her. So, two full days of her four full days with us, she was in bed and we didn't get much work on the mural done, so now I am going to be finishing it when she returns. I am a little intimidated by this task but I'm sure it will work out.

I will write more and post pictures soon.

love, jessieh

Just opened from CNN

...New DNA evidence in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case does not match that of anyone in her family, a prosecutor says.

I'm still in Minnesota. Jenny leaves bright and early tomorrow. That saddens us.

This settles.

love, jessieh

the magic erasers; party of (?)

Jenny is here. I am so happy.
I cannot even express my excitement.
I will be posting pictures of everything soon enough.
The only bad part, the city we are in has these terrible pro-life billboards everywhere and they make the people cringe when we see them.
Adam and Eve surprised me when I arrived with a bicycle that they picked up from the thrift store before I got here and it is beautiful. Jenny brought goodies one of which is an amazing quilt for my room at school with sheep all over it. I slept on the top bunk last night snuggled underneath it. She also brought other wonderful treasures like a Lloyd suitcase, I mean it is so beautiful, the magical hunk of kitty cat goodness painted on to a suitcase. What more could a girl ask for?
I am really glad I am here and my brain is having a hard time sorting things out so that I can somehow write about what good times I am having but this is so difficult because in my brain there is so much happening and we are overwhelmed with all things oriented from "home" and at the same time there is so much happening here that is good like Jenny and I painting a mural for the coffee house which is really difficult because a.) when you stick two dissociative people in a room with a big white wall and say "draw", you should already know it is going to be messy but when b.) the owners of the wall happen to be two people who are incredibly beautiful people with an idea about what the wall should end up being, it makes things messier.
So after much distress and pencil scribbling Jenny and I came up with a plan, stick to all things garden-related (because a French Impressionist painting of two girls in a garden is what Adam and Eve had in mind for the inspiration) and section off a piece of the wall using garden lights and only allow ourselves to draw inside of the section. This is an incredibly brilliant but awareness-provoking experience.
First, there is a bunny on the wall, in the garden next to flowers and while Jenny is resisting her urge to go and draw the intestines on the bunny; I am arguing with her about my need to keep the garden lights a stop sign and traffic light even though I know Adam and Eve will hate my traffic light because it won't make any sense to them and would just look funny and strange and off-key. They came in though, a little after 10pm last night and they seem pleased. I hope they are. Jenny made me erase the stop sign and traffic light and after about an hour of discouragement we found these wonderful devices called Mr.Clean's Magic Erasers.
Please allow us to add that it was when we found the Magic Erasers that everything became all better. On the way home Jenny and I came to a conclusion about these and realized that we really want a huge Magic Eraser for our lives and that is why it was such a mood-lifter when we found them for the dissociative mess we had on the wall. I know that I am not making very much sense because I am simply not thinking clearly about most anything these past few days. I have so much to figure out about my family life (both internal and external), about my education plans, about the play that we've been writing, about how in the world Jenny's going-to-Italy-to-be-with-the-love-of-her-life is going to mess with the systems of thinking, about finding monologues and trying to plan for the Humanities Project and all this jazz and the fourth of the July was yesterday and I was completely reminded of my last fourth of July experience and I was with Jenny then as well and it was beautiful because maybe a day later we were sitting underneath a huge war-monument that read, "FREEDOM IS NOT FREE." We all still feel this way. We hid from fireworks last night and tried not to let them bother us, because we don't want to be horribly emotional or weird or dissociative or PTSD-ed or any of that other stuff that usually accompanies this childhood sexual abuse and rape- aftermath, thing. What a messy messy place. Boy, Oh boy, Mary Poppins, What would we do without faith?

we will write more soon.
love, we the people

PS: The real solution to the painting problem came when someone here said, "I cannot apologize for having all these people living inside of me with different artistic styles, not of which happens to be French Impressionist. I think that will be fine with Adam and Eve."

in Minnesota

and happy.

we will write more soon.

love, jessieh and the people