floats in the flood

BLOG MOVED

2011-07-06T16:35:00.000+02:00

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Jenny, Horses. We, women.

2011-06-15T21:04:00.003+02:00

I'm leaving Minnesota today. Jenny took this picture. Her drawing is the one with the horse. Our drawings are the ones in the little sketchbook to the right.

(great stuff in the archives)

2011-06-13T17:25:00.004+02:00

to Kansas we go.

(jennysawle.com)

I've renamed this blog. I've caved into pressure, probably for the best sometimes.

I'm going to start writing again here.

More to come about the grand adventure.

I have Toto packed and ready to go. The Van is parked, and painted for the Love Family Tour outside, a little blue paint spilled on the driveway.

Notes for the morning:

We've dog-proofed the counter tops.

Have Toto hiding on the kitchen table.

We've eaten the butts of bread.

Needles packed in bags with pens and sketchbooks.

The drive takes 7.5 hours.

One eating disorder is like another.

Mary's got scratches on her arms from the dog last night.

Washed and Shampooed ourselves.

I love Oprah Winfrey.

We call shotgun, ladies and gents.

Kansas is going to be a truly truly truly exciting time.

Sunday Secret

2009-11-01T16:15:00.002+01:00

"When I think of you I forget my name and know yours all the better."

2009-10-29T18:49:00.003+01:00

I'm currently working on William Inge's Splendor in the Grass. I am Ginny Stamper. This morning rehearsal was incredibly rewarding and wild. I had a blast. I'm also looking at the curriculum for Spring term and feeling much better about the registration process this time around. I will be taking:

Theatre and Arts for Peace and Reconciliation
Adaptation II
and hopefully, two of the following:
Reading and Writing Poetry
American Theatre Now
Developmental Psychology after the Theories
Reading the Body

I struggled a great deal this morning with my body. I was moving a lot, working on a drunken fast-paced, accelerated version of The Charleston, and it hit me how insecure I still feel, after all this time, about my body. I was going to town in heels like a crazy woman and the only things I could think about were breathing and how fat I must be to other people around me. Even so, though, the lace black slip I was wearing (along with the heels) helped me to justify the actions of my character and helped me to forget about my own insecurities and body for awhile. It was nice. I like being able to forget how ugly I feel most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I don't think actors should use acting as some coping mechanism for a problem in their life, but the fact is: sometimes a girl's just gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

after some careful consideration

2009-10-28T18:37:00.002+01:00

I almost deleted my blog this morning but then I realized that it isn't that I have nothing significant or useful to blog about but that I don't want to blog about things that I am currently finding significant and useful. After some careful consideration I've decided that I will keep blogging. I think it can be an effective way to communicate with people I love who are far away. I also think it can help me communicate with my self, plural, in a way that will be more helpful than my time to time journal entry these days. I find myself spending a significant amount of time on a computer simply because I like to type things out. Typing is faster and doesn't require the kind of energy it takes to maintain hand-coordination when sharing hands with ten people. Despite the fact that I've never been remotely concerned about this before, I have recently developed an aversion to the idea of blogging. I have begun to think that writing about myself in a public way demonstrates some innate character flaw. I also believe this is certainly not true. Blogging can be a highly effective means of communicating one idea or amusement or realization with a group of other people in the world who appreciate that idea or amusement or realization. After all, I am a reader of blogs and don't find myself judging the bloggers responsible for their upkeep. So, in short, welcome us back to blogging.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

2009-10-21T00:58:00.001+02:00

"In the midst of turmoil, Max falls into a primitive, mythical realm with a community of Wild Things. The Wild Things contain and re-enact different pieces of his inner frenzy. One of them feels unimportant. One throws a tantrum because his love has been betrayed. They embody his different tendencies." -New York Times.

Read more: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/opinion/20brooks.html

New Home.

2009-08-20T16:10:00.002+02:00

Pedal

2009-08-12T05:08:00.001+02:00

Pedal.

http://artconstellation.blogspot.com/2009/08/biking-42-miles-map-practice-i-love-you.html

(the end.)

A Parting Present for the People: (Happiness)

2009-08-03T22:38:00.001+02:00

A poem by Susanne Parker

2009-08-03T14:13:00.001+02:00

When we are well
We will do all the things that normal people do.

We'll wear modest, stylish attire
Befitting our age. I'll have a silver chain
With a pendant made from some exotic stone,
And you'll admire it when we meet at the cafe
For a catch up chat.

I'll talk about my husband
(I'll have one of those by then)
And you will, too. And you'll tell me
How he bought a dog for your little boy.
And you'll buy my coffee but I'll leave the tip
In nickels on the glass top table. Boring little things.

I'll still remember that there are scissor
scars on your stomach, but I won't look there. And if
You glance at my jaw and it is swollen,
You won't mention the screws.
Noone will think it strange that you order only cold drinks-
After all, it's a hot day.

Before we get up to leave
Our eyes will meet across the table.
We'll only smile. Only go back
To those normal, normal
normal deeds.

Strangers will wonder how we discover so much joy
At merely being alive.

(the sister would kill us)

2009-08-02T05:40:00.004+02:00

consumption of women; global epidemic.

2009-07-31T22:09:00.003+02:00

Prayer by Marie Howe

Someone or something is leaning close to me now
trying to tell me the one true story of my life:

one note,
low as a bass drum, beaten over and over:

It’s beginning summer,
and the man I love has forgotten my smell

the cries I made when he touched me, and my laughter
when he picked me up

and carried me, still laughing, and laid me down,
among the scattered daffodils on the dining room table.

And Jane is dead,
and I want to go where she went,
where my brother went,

and whoever it is that whispered to me

when I was a child in my father’s bed is come back now:
and I can’t stop hearing
This is the way it is,
the way it always was and will be

—beaten over and over—panicking in street comers,
or crouched in the back of taxicabs,

afraid I’ll cry out in jammed traffic, and no one will know me
or know where to bring me

There it is, I almost remember,
another story:

It runs along this one like a brook beside a train.
The sparrow knows it, the grass rises with it.

The wind moves through the highest tree branches without
seeming to hurt them.

Tell me.
Who was I when I used to call your name?

[Reprinted from What the Living Do (W. W. Norton & Company, 1999)]

Sick day and a poem by Arda Collins

2009-07-30T04:25:00.004+02:00

Garden Apartments by Arda Collins

It was raining a little.

I wondered if I were outside

if I would get wet.

I was in the car.

I passed a school.

I didn't really know where I was.

I had lived near here for a while.

It was a quiet, residential neighborhood,

garden apartments in the back of the town.

I parked near a driveway and turned the car off.

They were basically ugly.

It's no one's fault though.

I wondered what I would do the rest of the day.

People were running their lives from here.

They had a coffee table and mugs with writing on them.

They had the rest of their lives. It was just like the other day.

The weather was warm for the first time.

I was out walking.

A young couple came out of a house.

She had just taken a shower,

blow-dried her hair and put make up on,

and put on light-colored pants and a t-shirt.

I smelled her shampoo

when they passed, and I felt afraid of the day.

The rest of the walk was better.

It smelled like rain in the car. There was no one around.

I heard my jacket when I moved.

I thought how god loves this place;

the grass was coming in, and the crocuses.

What if someone died, or got fired,

or vomited alone in the middle of the night?

The apartments were wood on the outside.

They were stained red like the color of a picnic table.

I was so ugly, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to drive.

Pillow Talk, T-shirt and Shaking Hands: One More Reason I'm Attending Bennington

2009-07-27T17:57:00.004+02:00

In exactly one month I will be arriving at Bennington. This morning I spoke a woman who helped me set up my college e-mail account. I successfully logged-in only to find an email reminding me that my health forms were due last week (yeah- about that-). This exact email also included a link to the following:

(From Bennington College's website)

For your listening pleasure: a collection of music composed and performed by current Bennington students and recent alumni. Spanning the genres from indie rock to Celtic to classical, it's a lively (but by no means exhaustive!) sample of what we're playing and listening to right now. The list was compiled by Sarah McAbee, Bennington College Class of 2007.

Needless to say, I'm pretty happy right about now.

What stumbling taught me (after therapy).

2009-07-24T01:14:00.004+02:00

1. "I told a kid in kindergarten that candy canes were the bones of reject elves."

2. "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - (Jessica, age 8)

3. See feeling chart above.

4. My four new favorite words to describe touch and texture: polished, knobbed, grity, and biting.

5. All dogs go to heaven.

The Constellation and The People

2009-07-22T16:49:00.001+02:00

Please read about it here.

Scissors

2009-07-21T16:28:00.003+02:00

Note to Self, plural, and other things:

2009-05-31T15:44:00.003+02:00

We need this book. Personal Geographies and Other Maps of the Imagination.

And Lloyd, the Magician and myself in perfect union.

2009-05-30T22:06:00.003+02:00

2009-05-30T21:20:00.001+02:00

Night Poem

by Margaret Atwood

There is nothing to be afraid of,
it is only the wind
changing to the east, it is only
your father the thunder
your mother the rain

In this country of water
with its beige moon damp as a mushroom,
its drowned stumps and long birds
that swim, where the moss grows
on all sides of the trees
and your shadow is not your shadow
but your reflection,

your true parents disappear
when the curtain covers your door.
We are the others,
the ones from under the lake
who stand silently beside your bed
with our heads of darkness.
We have come to cover you
with red wool,
with our tears and distant whispers.

You rock in the rain's arms,
the chilly ark of your sleep,
while we wait, your night
father and mother,
with our cold hands and dead flashlight,
knowing we are only
the wavering shadows thrown
by one candle, in this echo
you will hear twenty years later.

"Night Poem" by Margaret Atwood, from Selected Poems II: Poems Selected & New 1976-1986. © Houghton Mifflin Co., 1987.

Follow the adventure

2009-05-26T01:10:00.004+02:00

I am in DC with my dear friend Jenny.
Follow the adventure here.

I have graduated from school.

I will write more soon.

I am off to Bennington in the fall.

love, jessieh

probably wondering where we've been

2009-03-29T16:28:00.002+02:00

I am trying not to document much of the "Oh, Jessieh is going to college next year" information here and until I am sure which school I am going to I do not want to write about college at all and to be quite frank college decisions and admissions things are taking up about 68% of my life right now, the other approximate 32% is consumed by the following:

The Comedy of Errors, which opens on Shakespeare's birthday; April 23rd.
Directing a scene-study from David Rabe's In the Boom Boom Room
Directing a reading of a play I wrote called Page Numbers as a continuation to our (Sam and I) Humanities Project and as a benefit reading for RAINN
Directing a reading of A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant and A Prayer as a benefit reading for V-DAY. Both Page Numbers and MMRP will be presented on the same night.
Thinking about going to see Jenny on May 24th in Washington DC and almost jumping out of my skin with excitement.
Being thrilled for her about the completion of the wall-drawing project.
Trying to both win my school's science fair with my project on Dissociative Experiences and the Artistic Temperament and make straight As my last 9 weeks of school. I want to end with a bang!
The Existential Crisis and Trusting In God.
(Trying not to think about the Holocaust.)
Struggling with food.
Getting my beautiful little sister, Jordan (Jourdan), ready to go to prom with me in a few weeks.
Trying to cope with the fact that my dress for Luciana in The Comedy of Errors does not have sleeves, meaning that my arms will show- which let me tell you- hasn't quite happened in a public manner in what seems to be years.
Thinking about leaving my Studio in just 7 weeks.
Missing Patty and looking forward to his return.
Wanting to go to Bennington so badly but knowing that money will play a huge huge role in whether or not I can.
Needing a vehicle and a job for summer, both of which seem to get in the way of each other. I can't get a job without a reliable way to and from work and I can't get a vehicle without having money from a job. Not to mention-the unemployment rate in SC is rising with each passing moment and last I checked it was almost 11% which is terrifying considering I will be 18 with no "real" work experience and fresh out of a high school that isn't exactly a high school. The other problem is we refuse to work around food. I cannot work with food. Ideally, I would love to be a receptionist or a book store clerk or work in a library or maybe even a department store but not food.

There is more, of course, and I will write more soon, very soon. The College decision will have to be made by May 1st.

love, jessieh

Thank you Cy Twombly

2009-02-08T22:01:00.000+01:00

Crowded

2009-02-08T14:18:00.004+01:00

Things at this season in my life are extremely busy and crowded.

As soon as the decision about where I am going to college is made I will be back to writing.

I recently recieved an email asking, "Where have you been?".

I have been busy and crowded. Things are difficult to communicate these days because of all the happenings. I shall return soon to at-least-once-a-week blogging.

love, jessieh

PS: Obama is President. :) Yippy.

Where we have been.

2008-12-04T22:10:00.000+01:00

A small, rather pointless list:
1. Applying to more than twenty colleges. I should be slapped.
2. I have been out of touch for more than a few days.
3. I ate organic yogurt last night with pineapple and white chocolate chips and I don’t feel the least bit guilty about it.
4. I am trying to lose weight.
5. Standardized Testing says nothing about a person’s true intelligence.
6. I have decided that I belong at a Women’s College.
7. Sam and I presented our project on Tuesday.
8. Now the real work begins, with V-DAY and RAINN and the original play we are writing.
9. Christmas is coming soon.
10. I am going to Chicago to audition for schools in February.
11. We will be there the 3rd , 4th , and 5th. Scary.
12. Thanksgiving was surprisingly borderline painless.
13. I drove a good thirty miles to speak to my father’s father- who I haven’t spoken to in some good number of years. He is dying. We said goodbye.
14. My life is being ruled by college applications.
15. I haven’t been having real human conversations with people about anything meaningful.
16. I am stressed to a maximum stress point over the everyday, common experience of a person my age for one of the first times in my life and I must say, it is a relief in some ways.
17. The brain has been on fire for the last two or three weeks.
18. The Greek Shows are over and I miss Andromache and Adonica very much.
19. Children everywhere are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
20. There is a God.

Loaded Words

2008-11-17T13:27:00.002+01:00

Stay away from the treehouse
don't separate the two words, tree and house, they
are both together, in whole, forbidden
synonym to swimmingpool, but pull those apart;
constantly waiting to see what it is that you are
waiting for.
zero. hit zero, my pants were made in Russia
husband and wife in trashcan, missing legs
a dancer, can you believe that?

and she dies but we can't remember which
one, if any, lived
you didn't flush the toilet. How many times have I
told you about that, there is no soap and you
read about fixing things.
I can not speak but I do function properly.
Monsters are in that room with you.
I called your dentist, knew the teacher
was a real thought, and there are so many pictures
for the time at Christmas

with cards ripped open from the top
perforated edges and bedtime
defense attorneys push invisible buttons
on the floor, near paper cut outs of who we
used to be.
Take a swig from the brown and let it slide back
through into the bad places where Vachss said,
"talking doesn't get things fixed"

and I wonder what would have happened had I told you something
other than, penciled in another response more like
there goes your phone, it rings
and you still reach for it, and my head repeats words that now
Icanneversay, stuck in the place where
they gave me water in a morphine drip and even I
want so badly to just believe, but the water isn't fixing anything.

H and B and J (good-day for the comedians)

2008-11-06T23:21:00.001+01:00

2008-11-05T06:06:00.001+01:00

Obama wins. We dance and rejoice.

love, jessieh

Gov. Sarah Palin on SNL

2008-10-19T14:13:00.000+02:00

Rape Survivors' Words Help Jolt Congo Into Change

2008-10-18T16:43:00.002+02:00

Read: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/18/world/africa/18congo.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

love, jessieh

warning: we would display article here, but for some it may be triggering.

RAINNmaking: Fundraising for RAINN

2008-10-08T18:51:00.003+02:00

RAINN offers free, confidental support twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Their phone number is 1-800-656-HOPE and their online hotline can be reached at www.rainn.org.

Sam and I are becoming RAINNmakers. We are wanting to raise money for the Rape, Abuse, and Incest, National Network as part of our Humanties' project. we are writing, directing, and producing a performance piece for the spring of 2009 that addresses the issues of sexual violence on a local, national, and global level as the main focus of our Humanities’ project.

As part of our efforts to raise awareness of these crimes and their direct impact on the everyday lives of women, children and men everywhere we are hoping to raise money for RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization.

We believe that getting help is the single most critical step a victim of sexual violence can take on the path to becoming a survivor. It is vital that victims have access to free and anonymous support services whenever needed. RAINN provides a safe outlet where victims and their friends and family can go to receive free, live and anonymous support around the clock.

If you would like to make a contribution please visit our Rainnmaker page at http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/JessiehSam , where you will find very simple instructions on how to donate and assist in our efforts to aid those impacted by sexual violence.

This organization means a great deal to us and we hope that you will support our efforts to enable RAINN to help more victims. We also have plans to fundraise on local and global levels by working with community Rape Crisis centers and V-Day: A Global Movement to End Violence Against Women and Girls. We hope you will contribute your financial support and we hope to see you in the spring of 2009. We thank you for your enthusiasm, encouragement and efforts.

In thanks, Jessieh Johnson-Cunningham and Sam Orr

A message from SAFER (Students Active for Ending Rape):

2008-10-08T18:44:00.002+02:00

Attached you will find a press release from Students Active for Ending Rape (SAFER) about our new sexual assault policies database. (http://www.safercampus.org/policies.php) The database archives sexual assault policies from colleges and universities across the nation. We hope that providing examples of effective policies will assist student activists in reforming their own school’s sexual assault policy. The database also allows students to comment on whether or not their school actually implements the policies as they have been written.

We’re reaching out to student activists this week, asking them to comment on the policy at their school if it is in the database already, or submit their school’s policy for inclusion if it is not.

Thanks, SAFER

------

I am hoping to help SAFER reach students by publicizing the database here. (http://www.safercampus.org/policies.php)

The policy database can only be useful if students know their resources exist. Please share this great resource with your friends, coworkers, and fellow students.

love, jessieh

2008-10-05T16:58:00.004+02:00

( top: do you remember when we were kids//and built the greatest castles on the beach//how the sun set and the tide slowly rolled in//and the waves slowly took everything from us without mercy//how we tried to save what could not be saved//fought with such fervor so peculiar//cursing and screaming and without a chance//didn't wonder for a second what was up with us//and when it was over, we only laughed//and drenched in sweat we asked ourselves what did we do//we could not have won, could only lose//the philosophers in us started to philosophize//why you do something even if it is hopeless//when you should rather stop if you are reasonable//we sat and talked and the sun went down//and we reached this conclusion that I found so formidable even then//what should we have done?//what should we have done?//maybe it's sometimes wrong to stay cool//but maybe it's wrong to decide for that//while we didn't give up together, we were so proud//no stupdid "so what!" and no simple "what for!"I would give at least one leg to dance with you one more time. and the rest, if I could only have you back in my life.

bottom: stop hating yourself.

please get well again.

we miss you.

The number of boys and girls with eating disorders is increasing )

love, jessieh

the terrible truth ( a list of the events and what-not leading to now)

2008-09-30T12:40:00.005+02:00

1. (Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun introduced to me by Jenny. Number One on this list is a crudely paraphrased, yet very important idea of hers) We must accept the simple truth that pain is only human and knowing that, we must abandon all hope that we can escape it. Instead, we must learn and practice sitting with the pain, allowing it to impact us and make choices to help each other. We must learn to take care.

2. We are all in some kind of love.

3. I will not be another Prozac popper.

4. Sometimes I feel guilty to be living this life. Thousands upon thousands of children are being raped and butchered and eviscerated. The guilt motivates. It is the terrible truth behind my desires.

5. I enjoy Prob. & Stats. I love AP Lit. I am happiest in two places; with those I love and onstage.

6. College is this big giant sea of anxiety. I am so excited. I love the idea of being somewhere else that I can learn, and feast and develop. Right now though, I cannot imagine that day that I leave this school. It means leaving the work, leaving Studio IV, leaving the instructors and educators. My heart is filled with overwhelming gratitude to this institution.

7. I don't know where God is, but I know God must be somewhere.

8. Let's just get better together. And then some.

9. We are going to change the world. All of us. We humans, we're running out of other options.

10. Sarah Palin needs to stay in Alaska. They obviously like her there.

11. In the race for the cure, I came in 708th. Right behind a 78 year old man and a 7 year old little boy named Thomas. Great life.

12. We are Trojan women.

13. Yesterday we celebrated Banned Books week and the battle of censorship. We had a reading in the courtyard. I read from Dorothy Allison's Bastard Out of Carolina and Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues. Others read from Ulysses, The Handmaid's Tale and Brave New World.

14. Paul Newman died on Saturday. He and Joanne Woodward have been married for almost 50 years. The idea of him dying summons the idea of her dying and the day that she dies is going to be a sad sad day.

love, jessieh

Three pictures from the first month.

2008-09-22T19:50:00.002+02:00

I will write more soon.

love, jessieh

In reply: (and PS)

2008-09-14T14:54:00.003+02:00

I have recieved several e-mails wondering "where the blogging has gone to?". I promise to write very very soon. At the moment though my living-load is significantly overwhelming and trying, even attempting to sort things into some kind of order with words at this moment seems very difficult. I promise to write later today, at least to give an update of sorts.

love, jessieh

Max.

2008-08-30T15:15:00.002+02:00

A former Visual Artist named Max committed suicide last Saturday. The entire campus seems to have been temporarily swallowed by this loss. I didn’t know Max very well. I knew him mostly through my close friend Patrick who was in a very close relationship with Max up until the time of his death. Max was a great believer in Eternalism (or Block Theory of the Universe, 4th dimension theory placement) and those closest to him have said his death was his way of finding an answer to a philosophical question. I think Max was a genius and this is not a statement to glorify or glamorize his death.

“Max Thomas Lamar Glazier, 17, died Saturday, August 23, 2008.Max was born in Roanoke, Va. on April 28, 1991, a son of Michael Glazier and Laura Jean Mills Glazier. He was a member of Georgetown Presbyterian Church. Surviving are: his parents; a brother, Taylor Glazier; a sister, Mary Glazier; and maternal grandparents, George and Mary Mills, all of Pawley's Island. Funeral services will be Wednesday, August 27, 2008, at four o'clock in the Georgetown Presbyterian Church. Officiating will be the Rev. Stephen H. Wilkins. The family will receive friends at the Georgetown Chapel of Mayer Funeral Home Tuesday evening, August 26, 2008, from six until eight o'clock.”

Regardless of the reason for his suicide, it has brought an energy to the past week that both saturates and drifts by. When a young person dies, especially by suicide, there is a shock to the systems of ordinary life. People don’t know what to say, and they want to do something. We found out at a little after midnight on Saturday and the amount of grief within a matter of moments was outstanding. Max’s death has forced me to first look at the way we grieve, what does it say about our culture? People who had never met Max stood crying and handing tissues to those who knew Max very well and spent hours and hours a day with him trying to wrap their brains around his big ideas. Second, his death has reminded us of the hope that there is. The joy to the smallest parts of life and the aliveness around us, in everything. We, singular, are happy and sad all together at once. Happy to be alive.

We will write more soon.

love, jessieh

An Update of Sorts

2008-08-15T00:16:00.002+02:00

A small list.

1.Today I made a decision to do a piece from "The Wake of Jamey Foster" by Beth Henley, Character: Collard for monologue night. This decision may change. 9.We went shopping today for clothes. It was not a terrible experience, difficult and triggered a small amount of self hatred but comparatively speaking, it was not terrible. We found two skirts, a nice top, a wonderful black sweater and a pair of beautiful shoes.7. Tissue damage is not an effective coping mechanism.

School begins on Sunday.
When people say that my name should be something else because of spiritual reasons, I want to choke them. Actually, these people do not need to be choked. They need to be forced to sit on an insanely hot curling iron, or on a wooden plank with nails and have a very very loud recording screaming the other name as loud as it could possibly scream. I don't think God would have any problem with their decision to change their name. I think people who don't understand these things and allow their religious load of crap to interfere with their ability to understand the pain of other people need to be removed from positions of leadership-but that's just my personal opinion. And it basically sums up to this: If you don't have the ability to understand the reasons people change their names- you don't need to be in any position of authority. And even more basically it sums up to this: HUMANS ARE NOT TO JUDGE THE SPIRITUAL CONDITIONS OF OTHER HUMANS. Case ended. (Thanks Mr. K though, for your personal assessment of my spiritual condition based on my decision to go by another name--how gross.)
We are trying not to focus too much energy on food and weight.
We have been here and not here far to much recently.
Jenny is in Italy. She called yesterday.
I am worried about the day that Meryl Streep dies.
Tonight I am going to map out the best situation as furniture placement in the room. I no longer have a roommate.
Last night, someone decided to draw a sea horse and didn't even know it was a sea horse.
Ms.Hepburn, Taylor, Savannah and I went shopping on Yesterday after Therapy Session Number One.
We survived a physical for school, the doctor was a very nice woman named Diane, she has a bright smile and a fun accent. I was able to answer all of her questions and she did not frighten me.
Levels of anxiety have been out the roof, which is the main reason why I have been unable to write, I know not what to say, I live much of my time away.
The stomach hurts.
Children everywhere are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
God is more than love and does not take vacations.
My heart is filled with gratitude every day.

I too, watched the mushroom cloud the whole way home that day

2008-08-08T18:11:00.002+02:00

I will write more soon.

love, jessieh

"And then Mary cries and runs off, kicking Ana on her way back to the trees"

2008-08-04T22:31:00.004+02:00

The title of this post is an explanation for how my brain has been working for the past few weeks. I feel that an update, a very short general one is in order. We have read three plays recently to include, Necessary Targets by Eve Ensler, The Wake of Jamey Foster by Beth Henley and Love-lies-Bleeding by Don DeLillo. I am finding out how much I appreciate the song, "Fast as You Can" by Fiona Apple. Jenny is safely in Italy. God loves. My hunk of magical kitty cat goodness, named Lloyd was able to see Paris from the 'Pet's Only' part of the plane. Winston is equally excited about it. The opening of the coffee shop has been smooth and steady. We have been writing a lot. I have been incredibly emotional. I am anxious about school and monologues and not meeting the teacher's expectation's in someway or something. I have a roomate now for next year, her name is Danielle. She is a dancer. Sam turned 18. I leave on Wednesday to go back to South Carolina. I am on a detox diet. I want to at least feel thinner by the time school starts. Children everywhere are being hurt in unimaginable ways. I know the above is not very interesting but I am having a hard time using words today- it is increasingly difficult to communicate things. When people are broken, they could just melt. I feel like melting sometimes. God is a God of Grace and Grace is enough.

I will write more soon.

love, jessieh

A long long time ago, your mother should know

2008-07-31T04:17:00.001+02:00

if we look, there is no remembering what we are looking at

2008-07-29T00:58:00.001+02:00

June Cleaver and Cheeseburgers.

2008-07-29T00:26:00.002+02:00

love, jessieh

the first conversation we've had in what seems like a long long time, phone call aftermath

2008-07-25T17:15:00.008+02:00

Last night, a little after ten here, I had what seems to be one of the only full and complete conversations I've had in the past couple of weeks. Time has been a funny, not ha-ha, but strange thing for us recently and working as a system of thoughts, rather than separate-individuals seems like it will never be possible. My artsy-constellation and I had a phone date, that was interrupted by
three other phone calls,
one dead cell phone battery,
a desire to drink a huge cup of ice cold diet coke,
a thought of the condition and discrimination of the homosexual in America,
a long series of thoughts regarding the condition of the child in America,
six monologues; none of which are even appropriate for me to memorize for school in less than a month,
this huge huge blanket of pictures of Jenny getting on a train to see a piece of art she's been wanting to see for years if she ever needs to run away while in Italy,
the realization that parts of both of us have been wondering how she is going to do this; while part of me is writing about it in a library with the sun hitting her face 14 hours earlier,
one-almost panic attack in a parking lot,
and the constant inner-chatter of a group of females ranging in age from four to forty-six.

Welcome to our life.

After the phone call, which somehow ended up being huge-crying-mess about our (singular) hypothetical fears for the future, that are really not so much hypothetical fears as they are giant concerns about past events- I hung up really wishing that I had let her do most of the talking, and feeling like a non-supportive friend- but then I realized that we (plural) did talk, and that I just felt like I talked the most because I haven't really been talking the past few days.

But it all sums up to this, in the end anyway:
She is moving to Italy in less than six days. She is taking her cats with her and will not be out of touch. On the scale of things dealt with in life, she will be able to accomplish all things.

I am going back to school in less than 25 days. I will have four contrasting monologues, two classical, two contemporary memorized before I go back and will be at least 11 pounds lighter than I am right now. And on the scale of these, seemingly very small problems I seem to be having, there is a conclusive fact that I realize about everything :

It would be so much nicer if this whole thing were about her giant, bold, brave move to Italy and my finding 3-5 minute stage worthy pieces so that my instructors are not completely disappointed in me. It is about so much more. We will both keep living. It's the most important thing. We will both be more-than-knowing in a way we wish we didn't have to know what F.Scott Fitzgerald meant when he said, ""So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

love, we

A note from my soon-to-be-Italian favorite:

2008-07-23T16:44:00.002+02:00

The following is from my artsy-constellation:

Multiple personality disorder with a cherry on top.
I am sure that moving to a new country is challenging for most people. I think that taking two cats and having a divided mind escalates that challenge. The cat part is actually under control and as Stefano wrote in an email to me tonight, "I am so glad that you got all the forms signed so that Lloyd and Winston are ready for becoming Italian citizens." :-) So that part seems easy now compared to the whole "I-have-different-ways-of-thinking-and-those-ways-of-thinking-are-usually-not-on-the-same-page" issue. This is where the real difficulty is.

Here is a snap-second inside my head: "My to-do list seems too long.", "All of the important things have been done and now I am really just worrying while I wait- there is not much left to do.", "What if Stefano becomes overwhelmed by how much therapy work I have to do still and can not tolerate me?", "Which pants should I wear on the plane?", "Will I be able to get poultry flavored cat toothpaste in Italy?", "Is cat toothpaste more expensive in Italy?", "Why did my high school guidance counselor not inform my mother when I showed her the burns from where I was putting cigarettes out on my legs?", "I will be able to hug and kiss Stefano in less than one million seconds.", "Should I grab a box of yellow cake mix and take it with me so I can introduce Stefano to the joy of Betty Crocker on his birthday or should I make him a fruit pie instead?".

I am going to take my anti-anxiety medicine now and try to calm down. While I wait for the medicine to start working I will go back to work on the drawing I started earlier tonight.... an image of the head of Medusa.

Perfect.
---

love, jessieh

The happenings for now.

2008-07-22T18:51:00.006+02:00

I cannot post pictures of the almost-completed mural simply because the pictures are on Eve's camera and her camera cord is missing somewhere in her house and- I just saw the most bizarre thing I have seen in awhile, allow me to interrupt the mural story and reasons why I don't have pictures yet- I am sitting in a chair, at a table, next to a giant glass window on the second floor of the Public Library. I am in the corner and if I look out of the window I can see the happenings on the street below me. Two brothers, I assume by the harsh-resemblance they bear to one another were walking the cross walk, a woman with helmet is walking her bike behind them. The two brothers both dressed in black, were walking with a certain swing in their walk and then suddenly; without apparent reason, the shorter of the brothers hit the taller one in the face. The taller brother then shoved the smaller one into the road and the biker that was following closely behind, straddled the seat of her bike and rode off in the direction she came. This indeed was a bizarre sighting for an early Tuesday afternoon and seemed to be worthy of note- Anyway, I don't pictures of the mural. I was only going to write that I am working on the play we've been writing for the past however long and will post pictures sometime in the next three days. My Great-Grandmother passed away at 1:52pm EST on Friday, July 18th. I am not saddened by her passing, she was satisfied by the life she lived.

From The State Obituaries:

Risinger, Mary Willis- LEXINGTON - Funeral services for Mary Willis Risinger, 93, will be held at 2:00 p.m. Tuesday, July 22, 2008, at Caughman-Harman Funeral Home, Lexington Chapel, with interment in Elmwood Memorial Park and Cemetery. The family will receive friends from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. Monday, July 21, 2008, at the funeral home. Memorials may be made to River of Life Christian Fellowship, 3955 Southeastern Way, Suite 3B, West Columbia, SC 29169.
Mrs. Risinger, born in Batesburg-Leesville, SC October 2, 1914, passed away Friday, July 18, 2008. She was a daughter of the late Arthur Willis and Teresa Hayes Willis. Mrs. Risinger was a member of River of Life Christian Fellowship. She was an owner and operator of 2 grocery stores in Richland County. She was a faithful Sunday school teacher and member of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union. She was a faithful Christian who loved sharing Jesus with others.
Mrs. Risinger is survived by her daughters, Nelda Laird of Tampa, FL, Marie Ouzts of Cayce, SC and T***** D*** and son-in-law, B*** D*** of West Columbia, SC; son, Henry Daniel “Dan” Risinger of Lexington, SC; 13 grandchildren, 14 great-grandchildren and 1 great-great-grandchild. She was predeceased by her husband, Henry O. Risinger; sister, Bessie Hutchinson; brother, Ollie Willis; daughter, Betty R. Elkin; son, Gerald David Risinger and grandson, Dedrick Elkin.

love, jessieh

These silly kids.

2008-07-14T02:19:00.003+02:00

These pictures are wonderfully exciting. Click here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/artconstellation/sets/72157606011346913/

love, jessieh

out of function and other matters

2008-07-10T01:31:00.005+02:00

we often wonder if anyone in my family ever reads my blog. i doubt it because the few times we have shared it with them, they have seemed a little less than interested. today, i got a voicemail from my mother. I haven't gotten a voicemail or a phone call from my mother in a long long long long time. It was stunning. It was quite obvious that she hasn't left a voicemail for me in an even longer time. She didn't even know what to say or how to say it; it was filled with many "ums" and "uhs" and then a really awkward remark about how they didn't miss me. I am still kind of stunned by it because for the first time I am taking a stand and saying, "No. I don't want to live this way, I don't want to be part of such an unhealthy family for the rest of my life." And now she calls. It's slightly upsetting because I was away at school for a year and will be returning soon. The entire time I was at school my parents contacted me maybe, maybe four times. I received more encouragement and excitement from strangers than I did from some of my family members. I am making a lot of choices and decisions right now and some of them are very difficult, I mean it is weird, calling up your family and saying, "Hey, I'm moving out soon, will you still sign my papers for school?" and not only do you get the response of cooperation, of "yes, I will sign them." but it is, "Yes. I will sign your papers, do you need help with the boxes?". I was a little frazzled by this response, just a little-really not that much, it was more like a stunned weirdness than anything else; I was a little bit upset. I don't really know why though. Then after talking about it and over it, we came to a conclusion; I mean IT IS A GOOD THING THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO HELP ME, and while it may be A LITTLE WEIRD that they aren't trying to fight me on this, I mean I didn't want them to fight me, I prayed that God would guide this process and I mean the less confusion the better. It would be mass-confusion if they didn't want to sign my papers, if they didn't offer to help me move. It is a good thing and it is what I really wanted. I wanted them to help me, because it makes things easier and there is nothing confusing about having a family who says, "Here, let me help you leave." But there is something sort of odd and painful about it but I guess that's typical behavior given the fact that it is all so dysfunctional anyway. As much as I don't want to admit it, any help they can offer me is going to be greatly appreciated. We have so much to figure out and we are trying not to worry or be anxious about any of this stuff, there is so much more to focus on in the next month.

Jenny leaves tomorrow. We are in complete denial. We don't want her to leave. She tried on wedding dresses today. It was so beautiful. She was in bed on Monday and Tuesday, sick with a flu she caught from two carrier monkeys on the flight out here. She flew in last Friday,on a very small-very-Mid-Western airline where instead of offering pretzels and the complimentary snack, the flight attendant came by with a tub of individually wrapped cheeseburgers. She declined and was then contaminated by the two little boy-human-carrier monkeys sitting beside her. So, two full days of her four full days with us, she was in bed and we didn't get much work on the mural done, so now I am going to be finishing it when she returns. I am a little intimidated by this task but I'm sure it will work out.

I will write more and post pictures soon.

love, jessieh

Just opened from CNN

2008-07-10T01:03:00.002+02:00

...New DNA evidence in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case does not match that of anyone in her family, a prosecutor says.

I'm still in Minnesota. Jenny leaves bright and early tomorrow. That saddens us.

This settles.

love, jessieh

the magic erasers; party of (?)

2008-07-05T16:35:00.008+02:00

Jenny is here. I am so happy.
I cannot even express my excitement.
I will be posting pictures of everything soon enough.
The only bad part, the city we are in has these terrible pro-life billboards everywhere and they make the people cringe when we see them.
Adam and Eve surprised me when I arrived with a bicycle that they picked up from the thrift store before I got here and it is beautiful. Jenny brought goodies one of which is an amazing quilt for my room at school with sheep all over it. I slept on the top bunk last night snuggled underneath it. She also brought other wonderful treasures like a Lloyd suitcase, I mean it is so beautiful, the magical hunk of kitty cat goodness painted on to a suitcase. What more could a girl ask for?
I am really glad I am here and my brain is having a hard time sorting things out so that I can somehow write about what good times I am having but this is so difficult because in my brain there is so much happening and we are overwhelmed with all things oriented from "home" and at the same time there is so much happening here that is good like Jenny and I painting a mural for the coffee house which is really difficult because a.) when you stick two dissociative people in a room with a big white wall and say "draw", you should already know it is going to be messy but when b.) the owners of the wall happen to be two people who are incredibly beautiful people with an idea about what the wall should end up being, it makes things messier.
So after much distress and pencil scribbling Jenny and I came up with a plan, stick to all things garden-related (because a French Impressionist painting of two girls in a garden is what Adam and Eve had in mind for the inspiration) and section off a piece of the wall using garden lights and only allow ourselves to draw inside of the section. This is an incredibly brilliant but awareness-provoking experience.
First, there is a bunny on the wall, in the garden next to flowers and while Jenny is resisting her urge to go and draw the intestines on the bunny; I am arguing with her about my need to keep the garden lights a stop sign and traffic light even though I know Adam and Eve will hate my traffic light because it won't make any sense to them and would just look funny and strange and off-key. They came in though, a little after 10pm last night and they seem pleased. I hope they are. Jenny made me erase the stop sign and traffic light and after about an hour of discouragement we found these wonderful devices called Mr.Clean's Magic Erasers.
Please allow us to add that it was when we found the Magic Erasers that everything became all better. On the way home Jenny and I came to a conclusion about these and realized that we really want a huge Magic Eraser for our lives and that is why it was such a mood-lifter when we found them for the dissociative mess we had on the wall. I know that I am not making very much sense because I am simply not thinking clearly about most anything these past few days. I have so much to figure out about my family life (both internal and external), about my education plans, about the play that we've been writing, about how in the world Jenny's going-to-Italy-to-be-with-the-love-of-her-life is going to mess with the systems of thinking, about finding monologues and trying to plan for the Humanities Project and all this jazz and the fourth of the July was yesterday and I was completely reminded of my last fourth of July experience and I was with Jenny then as well and it was beautiful because maybe a day later we were sitting underneath a huge war-monument that read, "FREEDOM IS NOT FREE." We all still feel this way. We hid from fireworks last night and tried not to let them bother us, because we don't want to be horribly emotional or weird or dissociative or PTSD-ed or any of that other stuff that usually accompanies this childhood sexual abuse and rape- aftermath, thing. What a messy messy place. Boy, Oh boy, Mary Poppins, What would we do without faith?

we will write more soon.
love, we the people

PS: The real solution to the painting problem came when someone here said, "I cannot apologize for having all these people living inside of me with different artistic styles, not of which happens to be French Impressionist. I think that will be fine with Adam and Eve."

in Minnesota

2008-07-02T03:34:00.001+02:00

and happy.

we will write more soon.

love, jessieh and the people

The little or big black dogs.

2008-06-27T22:29:00.004+02:00

On memory:

"We had a black dog when I was little. It would knock me down and bust open my lip every time we let it out ( at least once a week). It lived in our backyard.
That's alot of information to not be privy to." - Gingoneous

We will write more soon.
love, jessieh

"The death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child,"

2008-06-26T01:47:00.004+02:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25367455/from/ET/

because we are very upset and as a general rule,
when we are very upset we tend to not make any
rational or logical sense, we are going to refrain
from writing commentary on such things for now.

the advice of crazy, fire-breathing, snake-handling women is to be ignored on most occasions but in this situation we agree with Old Aunt Ruthie:

"THE WORLD IS GOIN' TO HELL IN A HAND-BASKET; THE GOOD PEOPLES IS JUSTA' FALLIN' IN WITH 'EM."

love, we

boy do we have a story to tell

2008-06-25T18:34:00.003+02:00

shortly, meaning within the next 24 hours; we have a huge story to tell. this will happen once the busy-ness dies down. 4.5 days between Minnesota and I. This is good. Very good.

love, jessieh

New guest Blogger Cat.

2008-06-22T03:48:00.005+02:00

Hi Jessieh. I wanted to tell you and everyone who reads your blog that I love you. It was terribly hot where I am today and so I was stretched out on the floor laying on my back and trying to catch a little breeze through my paws and I was thinking of you. I am going to post a big shameless picture of my big shameless self laying on the floor, trying to keep it cool and thinking of you because I have heard through the metaphorical 'grapevine' that you think I am magic and also extremely cute. You are a smart woman.
p.s.- I am glad it makes you laugh when Jenny sings you "Manic Monday" but I have to tell you that it is a little hard on my super cute and super sensitive little ears.
Love,
Your Besty Friend Forever,
Dr. Larry Lloyd

Sub-memories

2008-06-20T04:11:00.006+02:00

"These were not memories. These were sub-memories. Images from a place beneath the waking world, deeper than a dream, a place where logic dissolved. It was beyond remembering. It was knowing." - Tim O'Brien, In The Lake Of The Woods

----

{.thank you to Denis Darzacq for the clear explain-ation.}

.post-therapy madness.

love, jessieh

Guest Post by Artconstellation.

2008-06-19T22:53:00.006+02:00

This was our big dance video from last summer. Or one of them anyway. We will be together in just two weeks and with our friends Adam and Eve! I am sure we will have a lot of new dancing videos to put here after that. I love you Fritter. Artconstellation

the fun Nitty Gritty of Body Image, Purging and Tempting Anorexia.

2008-06-17T15:35:00.006+02:00

Readers Note: I am not advocating eating disorders. I am not blaming eating disorders on people reading fashion magazines (because quite frankly, I believe that if you read the latest issue of Vogue or Allure and feel fat or ugly, you were feeling ugly and fat before you read it). Stop reading these magazines. If you are recovering from an eating disorder, I suggest you not read the following blog entry, for it is not likely to contribute to your recovery.

What's funny about what I am about to write is that the happenings I am about to try to work out; understand more clearly happened last night on June 16th. This morning, as I sit here trying to piece together this "oh-god, my-brain-has -been -taken -over -by- food" stuff- I began searching for a blog entry that I remembered writing about my history of eating problems as I understood them at the time. It turns out, this entry was written exactly a year before the happenings I am about to discuss. Funny, how that works, eh?

Last night, I celebrated my birthday with my adoptive family because on my actual birthday, they were out of town visiting other family members and I was here, celebrating with Ms.Hepburn, The Flague, A secret family, Sam, Jenny, Lloyd, Eve, and We the People. Anyway, this of course, is not the intended point. I was at dinner last night, a wonderful Asian cuisine, eating Sushi, talking about their Pennsylvania trip, and enjoying the company of my adoptive family and trying to remain as comfortable as possible with this whole-she's-gotten-another-year-older celebration. I was doing a really really good job. I loved the Sushi. It was so good. While I was eating it, I don't remember once thinking/hearing, YOU ARE A BAD PERSON FOR EATING THIS. and trust us, this is major progress. I was actually not worrying about my food at all, and I was actually enjoying the taste of it. Wow. Great. Good food. I didn't consider throwing it up. I didn't have that feeling in my stomach of ultimate and complete badness that 9.75 out of 10 time accompanies any meal I dare consume. I ENJOYED MY DINNER LAST NIGHT. I ENJOYED THE PEOPLE I WAS AROUND. I HAD FUN. I LAUGHED. WHEN THE USUAL FEARS DID ARISE, I COULD FIND A PAIR OF EYES TO LOCK WITH AND SOMEHOW IT MADE THE FEARS FALL APART INTO NON-LOGICAL NOTHINGNESS.
{even when we had a slice of the wonderful cake Ms. Dana brought I was not consumed by need-to-vomit-ness.}

and then, I had to come home. To a place where, it is evidently not understood that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WEIGHT OR THE FOOD I AM EATING with you, unless I ask you what you think about my weight or the food I am eating.

I walk through the living room, dressed in bare-nothing, shorts and a bra, headed for the laundry closet. The only person in the home who could see me strut almost-naked through the living room is my grandmother, a woman overweight, in her fifties, sitting in her nightgown, plopped pleasantly on the couch and she says to me, "OH, Honey, you're getting a little hippy aren't you?"

of course this comment started a whole series of thoughts, most of which my grandmother will never understand or know i was telepathically hoping to communicate as i stopped dead-middle of my journey to the laundry closet and starred at her, blankly, desperately trying to regain balance. The stare, however was not really blank it was a loaded stare, dead into her eyes that screamed, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? A LITTLE HIP-PY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO CALL ME FAT, SAY FAT SO THAT IT AT LEAST SOUNDS THE WAY IT IS MEANT TO AND NOT LIKE SO DISGUSTING LITTLE ADVICE TO LOSE WEIGHT BEFORE I GO BACK TO SCHOOL! YOU MUST LIKE THE IDEA OF ME HANGING MY HEAD OVER SOMETHING AND BARFING! YOU SICK DISGUSTING PIG! HOW DARE YOU ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE THAT- IT WASN'T A QUESTION, IT WAS A STATEMENT OF YOUR OPINION REGARDING MY HEALTHY WEIGHT THAT I HAPPEN TO BE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INSECURE ABOUT BECAUSE ON MOST OCCASIONS I FEEL THAT I WOULD BE A BETTER PERSON IF I WERE THINNER! WHICH IS ABOUT AS STUPID AND INSANE OF AN IDEA AS ME GETTING A LITTLE HIPPY. I'M NOT HIPPY YOU COW! I'M NORMAL. NORMAL. NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T THINK I AM FAT, AND YOU DON'T COUNT AS A PERSON BECAUSE YOU THINK OF YOURSELF AS A GOD AND I DON'T WORSHIP YOU FLUFFY!!!!"

of course the real excitement of this particular entire inner-monologue is the fact that she heard none of the above that was being shouted inside by an eight year old and decided to chuckle at my blank stare instead.

AND I WANTED TO DIE. THE END.

JUST WHEN WE ARE GETTING BETTER A LITTLE REMINDER COMES THAT WE SHOULD NEVER EAT AGAIN.

love, jessieh

Anewsrant & A Artconstellation

2008-06-14T05:06:00.009+02:00

First.

Jenny (Artconstellation) did something beautiful in honor of the soon-coming father's day. Okay, she didn't (to my knowledge) set out to do this as a father's day thing, but it so appropriately fell in place that it was hard to notice and when someone does something that is so incredible- I think it needs to be talked about. I love Jenny but that is not exactly why I am writing. I am writing because the idea of what she did is really big in my brain and it is hardtoholdontofortoolong or I want to crawl somewhere and make myself go to bed.

She made a business card, you know those really inexpensive order-online business cards advertising her work and her blog and herself as person(hood). Okay, wait, back up- in order for this to make sense I should introduce Jenny. She is a very big superhero of mine. The following information can be found on her blog but this is a little summary: She is a survivor of seventeen years of horrific sexual abuse. Her father was her abuser, this of course, is one of many reasons why father's day is not exactly the best of days for her. She is also an artist, who is about to move to Italy to marry the love of her life and continue her art career.

But the really-big-deal-happy thing that we are writing about is this:

The Incredible poet Sharon Olds wrote a poem called I go back to May 1937. The last lines are "I say Do what you are going to do, and I will tell about it." Instead of clinging to that safe place of non-motivating, yet really really expressive and healthy anger- Jenny is doing something more. She is telling about it. About her experience as an artist, about her experience as a woman trying to cope with 17 years (please take a moment and realize this is how long I have been alive) of terror, while living with other inner people, and managing to somehow stay intact enough to impact others and encourage and brighten and try to move her two cats to Italy, so that she can get married (which if you haven't seen the statistics about marriage and sexual abuse and DID, you should look into it), and promote awareness and kindness and an END TO WORLD GONE WRONGNESS. This is the woman we are talking about. This year for father's day, she is going to be telling about it. Before she leaves for Italy she will be making a trip to another part of the US and her cards will be going with her, they will be left in every public (and private) place she encounters. Then, she is off to Italy where her cards will be spread throughout another country and each one labels her as an artist, a writer, and a sexual abuse survivor. Imagine all of the people that will encounter this statement of

"Yes this horrible horribleness happened

and Yes I am telling about it

and Yes there is something we can all do to end this sickness

and Yes you are not alone. "

I am in awe of her strength and I am so excited for what is to come.

A picture of the business card can be found here. (It wouldn't load on my blog for some odd reason. I will try again soon.)

Second.

The news reporter for the local news just said, "A local pastor is accused of the unthinkable with a child". The "unthinkable" that was being referenced is the sexual molestation of a teenager. While I AM COMPLETELY GRATEFUL that the media is actually covering it and not minimizing the severe nature of the crime, I realizeWE REALLY DO HAVE A HUGE HUGE PROBLEM WITH DENIAL AND NOT LOOKING AT REALITY IN THIS COUNTRY IF THE "UNTHINKABLE" is a teenager being molested. This is not unthinkable, this (being SEXUAL VIOLENCE) is happening every single moment of every single day. 1 out of every 3 girls will be the victim of attempted or completed sexual violence before she turns 18. This is not unthinkable. I've been reading/writing/drawing/trying to forget/hearing/living/dealing/coping with/THINKING about it for a LONG LONG TIME.

love, jessieh

PS: Anne Frank would have turned 79 yesterday. In case we didn't already say that.

.ten/notes/of/the/evening.

2008-06-12T03:34:00.006+02:00

1. This quote: (Roughly) "Eating disorders are not the real problem-people have much bigger problems and they are taking it out on their food."- Jenny (Artconstellation)
2. Two pairs of blue jeans were purchased on behalf of my body.
3. I AM NOW OFFICIALLY LEAVING FOR MINNESOTA ON JUNE 30TH. (PLEASE SEE COUNTDOWN CLOCK ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE SCREEN, RIGHT ABOVE THE MUSIC PLAYER THAT SAYS "MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIKE ANI DIFRANCO". CLICK ON THAT WHILE YOU ARE AT IT.) THE PLANE TICKET HAS BEEN PURCHASED AND WE ARE READY TO GO!
4. I'm working on something special starting tonight.
5. Thanks to a Ginger, I'm not only journaling in the most beautiful handmade journal in the world but I'm also learning (okay, so attempting to learn) how to use a camera and while I don't really know that much I do know that the smaller the number on the f-stop (? probablyscrewedthatup?), the more light that is allowed in.
6. I took a picture a year ago of this orange chair next to a tree on the property of the former state mental hospital. Every week when I would ride by, the orange chair was still their as if someone attended to its being there on a regular basis. Today was the first time I passed by and did not see it. I looked around and there was nothing. Drove another 9 feet, there it was placed facing away from the oak tree it sat under for so long and now every time there is an idle moment of "ohgod,coulditbethatwearenotthinkingfortwosec-NO!"- I hear two things, 1.) "YouareaBADperson." and 2.) "SOMEONE HAS BEEN SITTING IN THAT ORANGE CHAIR." I took another photograph of it today.
7. The above picture was taken on the night of scenes, also the night of the Roe v. Wade performance. Last night Sam (the beautiful creature on the right in the photo above) and I went to Waffle House. We colored together in our new sketchbooks/journals/hash brown-stained napkins. She brought a box of 120 crayons. That was nice and fun. We were re-introduced to a Vietnam Veteran named Ron who has schizophrenia, but spends his time doing handy jobs for local Pentecostal churches. He is very elderly and kind but I am afraid of him. We then traded sketchbooks, only to discover that on JUNE 9th we both wrote the exact same first lines in our sketchbooks and didn't even know it. That was a truly beautiful moment, we just kind of looked at each other and said, "I told you we were soul mates" with our eyes. We then continued on in the experience of waffle housing and discussed things not of an eternal matter. Then the discussion changed and there we were talking about the end of the world again over diet coke and coffee.
8. "They tell me I'm crazy, but you told me I'm Golden." was part of the first lines.
9. Children all over the world are being hurt in unimaginable ways.
10. God is love.

love, jessieh

Deliver Us From Evil

2008-06-10T18:19:00.003+02:00

love, jessieh

secret in another language.

2008-06-09T22:02:00.002+02:00

.it's funny almost, how we all speak the same language anyway.

Birthday Wishes from Jenny Inc. (Artconstellation) & the Magical Hunk of Kitty Cat Goodness

2008-06-08T21:51:00.004+02:00

love, jessieh

(and Mr.Murray and Mr.Day and Jason are working on a show together today. It is something I programmed mentally 2 months ago and just reemembered. I hope that is going well for them. )

Weak in IPA: Post One

2008-06-08T04:38:00.005+02:00

" It really doesn't matter how many drawings you do, or how many other ways you try to fix it, you can't. " -Vivian

(this drawing = post-today fears.)

love, jessieh

And granny almost pooped her pants.

2008-06-05T17:55:00.003+02:00

"WAIT! Go BACK! WAS THAT PAT ROBERTSON SITTIN' WITH- NO! OH LOAARDD."

- granny (the crazy lady)

I was more than a little happy.

love, jessieh

Polaroid Found

2008-06-02T03:51:00.003+02:00

love, jessieh

Sunday Post: 23 (?) in 2

2008-06-01T21:05:00.003+02:00

I will write more soon.

love, jessieh

A few more reasons why Angela Shelton is a super-shero.

2008-05-30T18:43:00.004+02:00

She makes me smile.

love, jessieh

making it home safely & parole board to release serial rapist

2008-05-28T15:20:00.005+02:00

We made it "home" safely. It is so odd coming back for the summer. I had literally forgotten the amount of disfunction that exists in my family, I had somehow just avoided it (but that is easy to do when you live away at school with limited contact). I've been drawing more and more in my sketchbook. Only 13 pages to go and it will be complete. I'm excited. I've been reading Anne Heche's memoir. While the writing is not nessecarily impressive, she does offer an interesting look on incest, sexual abuse, cult-nature and religious affiliation. The church Anne Heche grew up in sounds alot like the church I grew up in. Which at times, when read properly, can sound very very alarming. I start transcription review on June 2nd. Jenny made it back to the US, safely. Oh, by the way, if you are ever wondering who she is when I make reference to her: This is my dear friend (and I ). But for now, I must scramble, clean up the the kitchen, brush my teeth, get ready for the day's events.

---

From The Statesman Journal

Childhood rape victim Tiffany Edens has no confidence in the Oregon parole board.

To her dismay, Edens had to sue the board to block the planned release of Richard Troy Gillmore — the notorious "jogger rapist" who committed at least nine sexual assaults in the Portland area in the 1970s and '80s.
"It's been a frustrating battle," she said in a recent interview. "It's been very wearing on me and my family. I think it's very unfair and very unfortunate that victims have to be revictimized years later by the institution that is supposed to protect them."
Gillmore's case has become a rallying cry for parole board critics, who say it demonstrated poor judgment about a sexual predator and shabby treatment of a rape victim.
"This guy is one of the worst rapists in the Oregon prison system," said Steve Doell, president of Oregon Crime Victims United. "God only knows what they were thinking in approving his release."
In the wake of Edens' lawsuit and a rebuke from a Marion County judge, the parole board agreed to reconsider Gillmore's case at a yet-to-be-scheduled hearing.
"It's been a true disappointment to see the parole board take the course of action that they have, although I think they've tried to rectify it now through the advice of counsel with this next hearing," said Russ Ratto, a senior deputy district attorney in Multnomah County who sued the board on behalf of Edens.
Edens clings to hope that the three-member panel will reach a different decision this time.
"He is a predator, he belongs in prison," she said. "He played normal and here he was a serial rapist, raping several women in his neighborhood."
Edens was 13 when Gillmore broke into her family's Portland-area home on the evening of Dec. 5, 1986. He threatened to kill the terrified girl, then raped her.
The Statesman Journal normally does not identify victims of sexual crimes. Edens asked to be identified by her maiden name. "I want other victims to feel that they can step forward, that they don't have to be held down," she said.
Now 35, Edens is married, the mother of three children and still lives in the Portland area. She is a blunt critic of the parole board, calling it "desensitized" to the plight of people whose lives have been ripped apart by violent criminals.
Between 1979 and 1981, Gillmore terrorized southeast Portland by committing a series of rapes. At that time, the then-unidentified rapist was known as the "jogger rapist" because he stalked his victims while he was jogging. After being arrested for raping Edens, Gillmore admitted to eight attacks linked to the "jogger rapist." He wasn't prosecuted for those rapes because they were too old under Oregon's then-applicable three-year statute of limitations.
A Multnomah County judge found Gillmore guilty of rape, burglary and two counts of sexual abuse in the Edens case in October 1987. The judge found Gillmore to be a sexually dangerous offender and sentenced him to 30 years in prison for the rape and burglary counts, with a 15-year minimum on each count.
The sentences were to run consecutively, meaning Gillmore had a 60-year sentence with a 30-year minimum.
In 1988, only a year after Gillmore was convicted, the parole board overrode one of his 15-year sentences. That made him eligible for parole in 2001.
The parole board nixed Gillmore's requests for release in 2001, 2003 and 2005. In September, it green-lighted him for parole. Edens said she learned about the board's release decision from her mother, who happened to check on Gillmore's status.
The notion of the serial rapist being back on the streets hit her like a lightning bolt, Edens said. Outraged, she and other family members contacted the parole board and "begged and pleaded" for a chance to testify. The board agreed to a rehearing in October.
In a hearing room at the Oregon State Correctional Institution in Salem, Edens faced the man who raped her when she was a junior high school student.
"That was really hard for me," she recounted. "It's like revisiting a nightmare. It was very surreal to see him after 21 years."
Edens urged the board to keep Gillmore incarcerated.
"To have raped so many women is a travesty," she testified. "But Richard Troy Gillmore only serving less than a third of his sentence for only one of the violent rapes he committed is an injustice to me and the seven other victims."
Multnomah County prosecutor Ratto also testified. He told the board that Gillmore would be "a monster on the loose" if let back into the community.
In his testimony, Gillmore described himself as rehabilitated. He wiped away tears when he apologized to Edens.
After the hearing, board members huddled behind closed doors — standard procedure — to discuss the case and reach a decision. After 45 minutes, the board returned to announce the verdict: Gillmore remained "a danger to the health or safety of others," but he "can be adequately controlled with supervision and mental health treatment which are available in the community."
The board set his release date for Dec. 18.
Edens dropped her head to the hearing room table and sobbed.
Even now, she can't understand why the board chose to let Gillmore out. She cited a psychological evaluation of him by Frank Colistro, a veteran forensic psychologist who concluded in a June report that Gillmore continues to "suffer from a severe personality disorder, one not amenable to community-based treatment or supervision."
"I couldn't believe that three professionals were taking a convicted serial rapist's word against an educated doctor's evaluation," Edens said. "I thought that was just asinine. They don't seem to understand who he is. He's one of these really sophisticated criminals, very manipulative, very sociopathic. He's a chameleon who can meld himself into whatever he needs to be so he can get what he wants."
To stop Gillmore's release, Edens and the Multnomah County district attorney's office sued the parole board late last year.
In January, Marion County Circuit Judge Paul Lipscomb blocked Gillmore's release pending a new parole-consideration hearing. He ruled that the board committed several procedural errors, including failing to give Edens proper notice about hearings and failing to provide a full written explanation of its decision to free Gillmore, despite finding that he was still dangerous.
It was a gratifying victory for Edens.
"That was really empowering for me and my family to have Judge Lipscomb really take the facts in, take his time and really make a good statement," she said.
Lipscomb said he lacked authority under Oregon law to reverse "any ill-advised or mistaken release decision" by the parole board. However, the judge added that he felt compelled to express concerns about the board's decision to free the rapist, noting that "the only available expert evidence documents that Gillmore is even more dangerous and less amenable to be safely managed in the community than he appeared in 2001, 2003, 2005 and in April of 2007."
After the judge's rebuke, parole officials defended the decision to release Gillmore in a written statement: "In deciding that Mr. Gillmore could be adequately supervised in the community, the board considered Mr. Gillmore's long record of positive prison conduct and responsible work history, the many classes and treatment programs he has successfully completed, as well as his understanding of his past criminal behavior."
The parole board could have appealed Lipscomb's ruling. Instead, the board ended the legal fight by agreeing to hold a new hearing. Plans call for Gillmore to be examined by two more psychologists prior to the hearing.
Awaiting the next round in her battle to keep Gillmore behind bars, Edens said she's eager to testify against him again.
However, she lacks faith in the board members who will decide his fate.
"I think a used car salesman could read a human being better than these three," she said.
agustafs@StatesmanJournal.com or (503) 399-6709

---

I don't have anything to say about this right now. I am severely disgusted. It does not make sense, not human, logical sense. I think it is important to look at the other news coverage of this, where is it? Releasing a serial rapist back into society sounds like important news to me.

love, jessieh

If you could see this room. (Plans for the soon future)

2008-05-18T16:02:00.008+02:00

It is move out time.

The year has gone so fast.

I'm packing up all of my belongings and it is an overwhelming task.
I do not want to leave and moving out assists in my fears that for whatever reason I will not be back, I worry sometimes that I will die over the summer or lose the sanity I have left. These are fears not to be taken so seriously by myself the way I fear screwing up in tap class. Tap class produces feelings of panic so high that I want to throw my tap shoe through the glass studio windows and jump out. I would never do this, of course but the thought comes easily when everyone around me continues practicing their tap combinations at completely different rates so all the tap shoes are clanking in every which way and all that noise, dear God, I hate that noise.

I never realized how afraid of that sound I am, no known reason why, just am.

I've been here and not here for this past week.

Sam and I performed the Roe v. Wade production. We received a standing ovation. People were proud, and excited. The feedback we've received has been comforting and reminds me of why we decided to embrace this controversial topic to begin with. The project is hereby over for now. We may be editing and doing something bigger with it over the summer. I need to find a job, the only problem is I WILL NOT WORK WITH FOOD. That would not be healthy for me. NO WORKING WITH FOOD OR CONSTRUCTION because the smell of construction job sites makes me want to vomit. I hope to visit Jenny in the early part of June. I need to obtain my driver's license. I have yet to do that, I know. I know.

Scenes were performed on Thursday and Friday night. Thursday's performance was much better than Friday's. All of us (the actors) seemed much more focused on listening to each other on Thursday night. Granted there were a few distractions; A LOUD OBNOXIOUS TWO YEAR OLD CRYING, a whole row of ADHD adults who forgot their medication squirming, and people walking in and out of the theatre during the middle of some one's scene.

Thursday night Mere and Aunt Pam and my twins and Jordan came to see it. They are so beautiful, brought beautiful flowers and yummy white chocolate I couldn't eat because it had almonds in it. It was so beautiful though, we went to dinner and then I felt horrible because at dinner my sisters and I didn't really talk much. Mere and I did; which was wonderful and I needed to talk to someone, I've felt so far away from people recently. The twins seemed tired and like they didn't have much to talk about. We don't talk about their school because they hate school. We talked about movies that are coming out but I don't know the up and coming movies. We talk about books but the only book I've been reading the past four weeks in Angels in America: Part One and Two, and trying to explain why I am so compelled by that work is like trying to justify getting stoned out of my mind, driving to Texas, adopting a seven year old, binging on 14 cheeseburgers and then driving back home to introduce the seven year old to my family who is trying to figure out how they are going to afford to send me to school. So, obviously I did not discuss Angels in America. So I talked about school and the year end most of the time and I know THEY MUST GET TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT SCHOOL but I CANNOT HELP IT. I LIVE AT SCHOOL, MOST, STRIKE THAT, ALL OF MY "SOCIAL" LIFE INCLUDES MY STUDIO MEMBERS WHO I SPEND EVERYDAY ALL DAY IN CLASS WITH. Anyway, it is something that concerns me and IfeellikeabadfriendwhenIcanbringnothingmoretothetableofconversationbutthenirealizethattheywillstilllovemeanywayandtheworldisnotgoingtoendsimplybecauseiamcanthinkofnothingmoretodiscuss.

Then on Friday night I had a rather large group of supporters. My Grandeddy and sister Jourdan came. My dear mentors and friends Amy and K.F. came. That was exciting. The two Lindas, both working on behalf of child abuse prevention and understanding came, brought their friend Cheryl. That was nice. They seemed very impressed by the work.

Amy said something that was really encouraging and still is, especially with evaluations approaching, she said: Ya know, at the end we couldn't believe what had just happened, we just sat there in our chairs for a few minutes in awe of what had been done.

It was a special night. I am going to miss working with Jason, as hard headed as he can be sometimes. I am going to mis- No. Save the missings for Wednesday when I have to leave. For now I must go pack.

Yesterday Ms.Hepburn and I went to Pat's (Patrick) house to paint. We repainted his bedroom, from salmon pink to robin's egg blue. The whole room. It was exhausting but semi-relaxing, all that light blue. Then I had my first Sushi experience and it was very tasty, left me with warm fuzzy feelings.

Then we met members of Studio III and Studio IV at a sports grill downtown, sat with them. I don't remember the conversations really. I was in and out. At some point we ended up at the school's courtyard where a dance was going on, a DJ was there. Nothing too thrilling though. Danced for 15 or 20 minutes and then headed back to the destroyed room. It is disgusting. There is barely room to walk in here, both Sam and I are in that stage of packing with everything must be destroyed before it can be clean again. I'm worried I'm not going to have enough boxes. I should have had Mere or Grandeddy bring me some more. Such as life.

Then a terrible series of brain malfunctions occurred; I have little memory of each. Flashbacks, panic attacks, sweaty hands and dead feet. I didn't feel it would be smart to stay in the room by myself so I went to Ms.Hepburn's room and talked about relationship issues and listened to Thomas Dybdahl and did some hardcore reminiscing. I crawled in Lindsay's bed (her roommate, who was originally scheduled to be my roommate but it wasn't organized that way for whatever reason). She wasn't there, she was at home. Lindsay got her first tattoo yesterday. We are all really happy for her, she's been wanting one for a long time. She designed it herself. We will get to see it this afternoon. For next year I am going to make more of an effort to spend more time with Lindsay because she is such a beautiful, fun, outgoing person with a lot of talent and kindness to offer the world. I fell asleep later in Ms.Hepburn's arms to the sound of music. It was nice. I woke up though hours later confused and in nightmare aftermath. Such as life.

I am very hard on myself some days and want everything to be all better but then I breathe and step back and look at how far Grace has brought me and this whole healing journey that I'm on- which believe me if anyone has a problem with phrases like "healing journey" it's me- but I cannot deny what it is. When I look at all of this I realize that I am coping the best ways I can and it is not going to be all better over night and I just need to live moment by moment but-

for now, in this moment I need to clean and pack.

I have two finals tomorrow; one in French and one in Tap. I am equally terrified of the two.

Remember three things today:

1.) God loves.

2.) Children all over the world are being hurt in unimaginable ways.

3.) "So it goes."

and we beat on, praying for the innocents.

love, jessieh

Thank you Studio IV

2008-05-13T05:50:00.003+02:00

As graduation approaches for Studio IV:
Baz Luhrmann Everybody's Free

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’09 If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. About that, try and respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen… "

love, jessieh

Mother's Day and the smallest update...

2008-05-11T17:41:00.003+02:00

Happy Mother's Day.
Today is crunch day.
Sam and I have 4 more scenes to memorize.
I have a ton of French work to do.
I'm hoping to start packing at some point today.
Jason and I have to rehearse this afternoon.
I have to find an outfit for scenes next Thursday and Friday.
Sam and I have to buy props and stuff, but she is out of town.
Last night, the girls of Studio III got together in Justina's room to watch Reign Over Me. It was nice.
Jenny is still in Italy.
I don't want to move out.

Go to PostSecret.com to view Mother's Day secrets.

Nothing more to say really.

love, jessieh

if you read it in a paperback, you'd call it fiction.

2008-05-01T23:15:00.002+02:00

the planet should ache. it should hurt for its lack of understanding, awareness about the human condition.

and to know that this is why the population has become agnostic regarding matters of faith.

love, jessieh

2008-04-27T00:36:00.002+02:00

to the readers:

I do not know what to write about.

I miss Jenny. She is away in Italy.

I miss the twins. They light up the world.

Today was orientation day. It was nice to see the rising students, one of whom is going to be our roommate next year. Her name is Jessika. She's quite talented.

Right now, I should be writing an essay on the meaning of Stanislaski's life. Some people spell it "Stanislavsky". I should also be lesson-planning for a 34 year old woman named May who lives in a motel located on the edge of Las Vegas.

Instead I am stopping here to make a list of happenings.

I am terrified about next year. Therapy went well on Friday. I babysit a six year old tomorrow morning. I am excited, I love children. Most people don't think I'd be good with kids because of my slightly cynical nature but I really love small children. They are so creative.

Being around kids is sometimes hard for me and I feel like I am challenging myself every time I spend time with them. Sometimes I feel really depressed after watching a child be a child. But it is a very beautiful experience, they just do kid things, play pretend and run around and become horses and lions and dogs and they ask you to be the dog catcher and you can show them card tricks and they don't even try to figure it out, they just revel in the magic of it. Without hesitation or questions.

Tomorrow, Sam and I show the film "Searching for Angela Shelton" and lead a discussion about it. I'm really excited and I hope people show up. We went on the awareness walk on Wednesday. It was nice and personal and small group, and the girls from my Studio tagged along so I am hoping it meant something to them as well. We gave our acting instructor a sexual violence awareness ribbon and he put it on proudly. An advocate from the local rape crisis center is also coming to speak tomorrow night.

My wisdom teeth are coming in and I am finding it hard to avoid my strong temptation to pull them out with pliers. I am still trying to lose weight. I still haven't completed the cover for Journal # 2800.

Our seniors are in a workshop production of Thorton Wilder's Our Town. It is very politically motivated and fresh which makes it so much more than a play about a small town. It's really become a play about many of the social concerns we experience today and it's powerful and I love it.

I'm listening to music right now and I feel relaxed and tired and good.

Scene work is going well. Showcase is May 16th and 17th. That's scary.

Sam and I still have to memorize the Roe v. Wade play.

We perform it on the 16th as well. I'm nervous and terrified.

The toenails are painted. Children everywhere are being abused in unimaginable ways. God loves.

love, jessieh

Sunday Morning Post (Time Flies)

2008-04-20T20:46:00.003+02:00

I will write more very soon.

love, jessieh

Sunday Morning Post

2008-04-13T15:04:00.004+02:00

If the following picture does not frighten you; nothing will.

Prom was last night. It was slightly enjoyable. There have been worse events in my life.

I have rehearsal today, I'm nervous for some reason. I am going to work some more in Journal #2800 today. I am excited. The cover work is almost done. My stomach hurts from the food last night. I've been eating very little these past seven days. Healthy, but little.

We lost seven pounds last week.

My dear Artconstellation is still away in Italy with her lover. I know they are happy.

I had therapy yesterday morning.

I miss my twins very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very much.

---

Sam: What about my money?

Jessieh: You don't need your money.

Sam: What if The Rapture comes?

Jessieh: Sam, if The Rapture comes you won't need your money.

Sam: Yes I will. I have to pay off Jesus.

---

love, we

April is Sexual Violence Awareness Month

2008-04-06T01:15:00.004+02:00

Three videos promoting awareness. Please be warned, these videos (especially the third) may prove triggering. Viewer discretion is strongly advised.

For more information please visit the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) at http://www.rainn.org/. If you are a survivor of sexual violence and are seeking assistance contact RAINN's 24 hour, free, confidential Sexual Assault hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE.

love, jessieh

PS: More awareness oriented blogging to come.

137 Children removed from polygamist ranch (while we have shopping troubles.)

2008-04-06T00:42:00.005+02:00

The following story made breaking news today while I was out struggling to find shoes for the prom I am dreading in a size 9.5. I have recently decided that not only does the fashion industry have their hearts set on selling skirts with less than 3 inches of fabric to my pubescent sibling but they also have no comprehension of it being one of the many reasons why 1 out of every 4 girls in this country now has an STD. I also realized today that I must lose 30 pounds in order to be able to fit into a a pair of jeans. There was ONE size 12 pair of pants in the ENTIRE store today and the store was not small. They had plenty of sizes 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, and even 9. May I state for the record: WHEN I WAS BARELY 100 POUNDS, THE SMALLEST SIZE I COULD FIT INTO WAS A SIZE 8. A SIZE 8 AT BARELY ONE HUNDRED POUNDS. Needless to say I am a little frustrated with the fashion industry's desire to have my hips and my feet fit into something a size 5, 6, or 7. And what is with cutting out the toe on a pair of pumps. That is just ugly. The average foot is not a pretty one. The average woman's body is not a size 7, it is a size 14. Perhaps the money spent making the piece of crap almost 3 inches of denim to make the horrendous skirts I found everywhere in the teen/junior department could be used to add an extra almost 3 inches to the waist of some of those could-be useful blue jeans-

but what am I complaining for; at least we have the ability to buy a pair of blue jeans. Things could be much worse.

Meanwhile, while I am griping about not being able to find a pair of shoes:

ELDORADO, Texas (CNN) -- Dozens more children and young women were removed Saturday from a Texas ranch that is home to members of a polygamist sect, as state workers investigated claims of physical and sexual abuse.

A total of 183 people -- including 137 children -- have been taken away since law enforcement officers raided the compound Thursday night, said Marleigh Meisner, a spokeswoman for the Texas Child Protective Services Division. The children -- most of them girls -- were being interviewed by special investigators, she said.
"We're trying to find out if they're safe," she explained. "We need to know if they have been abused or neglected." Eighteen of the girls have been taken into state custody. Authorities believe that they "had been abused or were at immediate risk of future abuse," said Child Protective Services spokesman Darrell Azar. The others were taken to a nearby civic center. Meisner described them as doing "remarkably well."

The Girl by Marie Howe

2008-04-04T05:02:00.004+02:00

While this is not my favorite poem by Marie Howe, it is one that feels appropriate for tonight.

THE GIRL BY MARIE HOWE

So close to the end of my childbearing life

without children

-if I could remember a day when I was utterly a girl

and not yet a woman-

but I don't think where was a day like that for me.

When I look at the girl I was, dripping in her bathing suit,

or riding her bike, pumping hard down the newly paved street,

she wears the furtive look-

and even if I could go back in time to her as me, the age I am now

she would never come into my arms

without believing that I wanted something.

An update on the traveling journal (and on the irrational grannies in my life)

2008-03-24T18:26:00.005+01:00

Journal #2800 is ready.

I will be doing the cover artwork which I am excited and nervous about.

Thanks goes to the lovely Angie at Here and Now for starting this one.

love, jessieh

PS: Imagine what it would be like if we had just as many people out there protecting children as we have people protecting sex offenders. My previous post regarding ABC's 20/20 episode has triggered many anonymous comments from people essentially protecting sex offenders. I've written about a lot of child sexual abuse cases on this blog and things relating to child sexual abuse and never have I had such a lively audience, willing to speak out against child sexual abuse-but as soon as I start speaking out against the protection of sex offenders-comments are plenty. We have grandmothers even venturing out into blog world to let me know that they are protecting their grandchildren by protecting the rights of sex offenders everywhere. Because that makes sense and everything? While I am having a difficult time putting my finger on where the logic of that lies, I'm also packing to head back to school so for now all I can say is: Wow. People never cease to amaze me.

Dance Party with Angela Shelton

2008-03-24T14:24:00.002+01:00

love, jessieh

Disney and 20/20 send mixed message regarding protection of children

2008-03-24T01:18:00.005+01:00

From a featured article:
"On March 14, 2008, ABC's 20/20, a Disney owned company, aired a show challenging age of consent laws. To the dismay and shock of child advocates and Anti-pedophile bloggers and writers (a term coined for those who expose online sex offenders, predators and pedophiles), it was disproportionately favorable to the plight of sex offenders. The show featured a segment called "Vigilante Justice" in which they interviewed a child advocate who goes by the name "Petra Luna". The child advocate was clearly shown to be the antagonist as opposed to the sex offender(s), who were presented as the protagonists and victims.

Credible child advocates (as opposed to registered sex offenders claiming to be child advocates, whose offenses range from molesting preschoolers to teenagers) are gravely disappointed in the position ABC's 20/20 decided to take. Even more disappointing is the fact that ABC is owned by Disney. Parents might be caught off guard and falsely assume that Disney would take a more child centered position on sexual abuse.

While many reasonable people might support the pretense of 20/20's questioning Romeo and Juliet laws, which are "offenses" that often refer to younger teens "hooking up" with older teens or offenses with minimal age gaps, the show was surprisingly sympathetic to the sex offender, especially in their "Vigilante Justice" segment. Speaking on behalf of many child advocates and parents, we believe 20/20 mislead viewers by portraying the United States National Sex Offender Registry as made up of a significant amount of Romeo and Juliet affairs by conjecture only."

Watch for yourself:

I will post commentary to this segment of the show soon.

love, jessieh

The magical hunk of kitty cat goodness.

2008-03-23T03:12:00.003+01:00

IF THIS DOESN'T JUST MAKE YOUR EASTER EVE, NOTHING EVER WILL:

Learn more about the incredibly beautiful owner of this feline named Lloyd and find more of the Magical Hunk at artconstellation.blogspot.com

love, jessieh

1000 Journals

2008-03-21T03:53:00.001+01:00

.we are in line for journal #2800.

love, jessieh

The head pounds. One of those not-here posts.

2008-03-16T20:58:00.004+01:00

For some reason today I cannot stop thinking about the Humanities Project.

The beautiful Sam and I are partnering up for this as well. The Roe v. Wade Project has been really wonderful working with her and I am so glad she decided to work with me for all of next year as well. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my role as a survivor of sexual violence in the project. The project's focus is sexual violence awareness through the arts. I often wonder how I would fit in the project if it were not a "personal" thing to me. It's personal for Sam too, personal in different ways. I'm sure I would have the same amounts of compassion and I'm sure my drive to see the end of sexual violence would be the same. I'm not making sense. I received a copy of Ellen Bass and Laura Davis' The Courage to Heal Friday in the mail. We are using it as a resource for the project but I've done some personal interest reading as well.

Sam and I have so much work to do this week for the Roe v. Wade Project. While it is incredibly exciting, it also has a certain level of expectation and stress involved.

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed and am very relieved to know that I do not have school next week. It is going to be nice, to have time to breathe and think and practice and think and write and memorize and read.

The throat hurts, allergies.

Church this morning was beautiful.

Secret # 2, 158, 924:

Whenever I see women outside of abortion clinics with scary pro-life signs, I imagine someone from across the street calling the fire department and I imagine their pro-life signs being sprayed violently. I consider myself a fairly peaceful person and when I see women trying to betray their very right to choose with disturbing anti-choice signs, I want to throw something harmless but irritating at them, give them a pie in the face.

love, jessieh

Fool for Love (Scenes for the Spring)!

2008-03-15T16:04:00.002+01:00

Right now, I cannot contain my excitement. My dear friend Ms.Hepburn and I are rejoicing. We both were assigned incredible scenes that will be so much fun to work on for the Spring. Our focus is transformation and getting out of our comfort zone. Ms.Hepburn was assigned a scene from Danny and the Deep Blue Sea by John Patrick Shanley, the character Roberta and I was assigned a scene from Fool for Love by Sam Shepard, the character May. My scene partner is, ironically enough, Ms.Hepburn's boyfriend, and my good friend, Jason (the character Eddie). The enthusiasm I feel is slightly overwhelming so for now I am just going to leave the last bit of stage directions and the last line from the scene-

---

From Fool for Love by Sam Shepard-

(He closes door. They stand there facing each other for a while. She crosses slowly to him. She stops. He takes a few steps toward her. Stops. They both move closer. Stop. Pause as they look at each other. They embrace. Long, tender kiss. They are very soft with each other. She pulls away from him slightly. Smiles. She looks him straight in the eyes, then suddenly knees him in the groin with tremendous force. Eddie doubles over and drops like a rock. She stands over him. Pause.)

MAY: You can take it, right. You're a stunt man.

---

love, jessieh

Politics again (and other things): The real McCain

2008-03-12T21:46:00.004+01:00

It is my sincere hope that the readers of this blog feel welcomed and

I am going to try to be just as personal as I have been political recently.

It's really one of the few things I am able to quickly write about because it usually is text copied from another source. I have been extremely busy. We get assigned Spring Scenes on Friday. I had therapy today. It was most certainly unpleasant. I don't feel good. My head hurts.

Three good things about today:

1.) It's Justina's birthday. She is a my Studio-mate.

2.) I finished reading At the Colored Museum

3.) My dear friend Artconstellation has drawn a beautiful picture of her magical hunk of kitty cat goodness.

---

From NARAL pro-choice America:

The REAL John McCain is not the "moderate maverick" the pundits like to swoon over. The REAL McCain has spent the last 25 years doing everything in his power to roll back the reproductive rights we've fought so hard to protect.

If elected president, he has pledged to be the anti-choice movement's most faithful ally, carrying their water and enacting their dangerous agenda: "If I am fortunate enough to be elected as the next President of the United States, I pledge to you to be a loyal and unswerving friend of the right to life movement." [Statement by Sen. McCain read by Sen. Sam Brownback at the March for Life in Washington, DC, January 22, 2008.]

NONE OF THE ABOVE BOTHERED ME AS MUCH AS THIS DID:

"John McCain: I do not support Roe v. Wade. I think it should be overturned." [N.Y. Times, February 24, 2007.]

-We cannot go back to the days before Roe v. Wade. -

www.hillaryclinton.com

www.barackobama.com

love, jessieh

2008-03-11T04:11:00.002+01:00

Tiptoe

"Tiptoeing through the used condoms strewn on the piers off the west side highway

sunset behind the skyline of jersey

walking towards the water

with a fetus holding court in my gut

my body highjacked

my tits swollen

I'm sore

the river has more colors at sunset than my sock drawer ever dreamed of

I could wake up screaming sometimes

but I don't

I could step off the end of this pier

but I've got stuff* to do

and I've an appointment on tuesday

to shed uninvited blood and tissue

I'll miss you I say to the river

to the waterto the son or

daughter I thought better of

I could fall in love with jersey at sunset

but I leave

the view to the rats

and tiptoe back"

"I build each one of my songs out of glass so you can see me inside of them I suppose or you could just leave the image of me in the backround, I guess and watch your own reflection super imposed"

-Ani DiFranco

Abortion Project, Dance Performance, and Family Time

2008-03-09T20:49:00.005+01:00

We finished the rough draft of the Roe v. Wade project, meaning we finished our One Act Play on the History of Abortion in the United States. I am very very excited. It is finished. I have two Shakespeare pieces to memorize by Tuesday. I'm nervous about this. I spent the weekend with Mere and my twins which was really really exciting. I feel like it has been forever since our last time together.

love, jessieh

PS: We went to the Winter Dance Performance on Thursday night. It was incredibly impressive. The pictures in this post is a result from that. They were taken by Photographer Emery Watch.

Nice morning headlines to wake up to.

2008-03-05T13:12:00.003+01:00

-HILLARY CLINTON WINS RHODE ISLAND, OHIO, AND TEXAS!

and

-14 Americans were arrested in child porn sting. Twenty children rescued.

love, jessieh

The most wonderful news right now.

2008-03-05T05:31:00.005+01:00

HUCKABEE IS NO MORE.

I HAVE JUST DISCOVERED THIS.

HILLARY WINS OHIO.

SHE WINS RHODE ISLAND.

OBAMA WINS VERMONT.

NOW WE WAIT FOR TEXAS.

RIGHT THIS MOMENT (11:39 PM est)IT IS:

HILLARY: 50%

OBAMA:48%

TOO CLOSE TO CALL.

I AM SO EXCITED.

love, jessieh

Artconstellation

2008-02-28T00:21:00.003+01:00

You need to visit one of the best blogs in the world.

http://www.artconstellation.blogspot.com

because the writer is of more than super-hero status and we love her.

love, jessieh

The soon-to-be sleepless night.

2008-02-24T21:20:00.004+01:00

We will not sleep tonight.

There are three essays to be written.

We must finish the play tonight.

The brain is throbbing. We must find a Martha before tomorrow at 3:00pm.

She is nowhere to be found.

Because there is a throbbing happening in the brain, we have decided to make a list instead.

A list of books to be read:

Talking Dirty to the Gods by Yusef Komunyakaa
Living Out by Lisa Loomer
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
On the Road by Jack Kerouac
Prozac Nation Young and Depressed in America: a memoir by Elizabeth Wurtzel
White Oleander: a Novel by Janet Fitch
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
Everything is Illuminated by Jonathon Safran Foer
Safe by Susan Shaw

love, jessieh

Maybe. (a vagina friendly, well sort-of, post)

2008-02-23T01:13:00.006+01:00

"I have the utmost respect for life; I appreciate that life starts early in the womb, but also believe that I'm ending it for good reasons. So yes, I end life, but even when it's hard, it's for a good reason." - Confessions of an Abortion Doctor, Boston Magazine, December 2004

We are giving Roe v. Wade a rest. Now on to more monthly matters: Menstruation...

Focus. An update of sorts.

2008-02-17T20:30:00.004+01:00

This weekend I began the dreadful task of spring cleaning for the dorm room. I know that it is still February but the longer I ignore this fact, the better I will feel. All of my stuff from the past semester is piled on my bed, and my room looks like the aftermath of a hurricane. It is rather terrifying. I almost had to put a disclaimer on my door in case people decided they wanted to enter the caution zone.

In other news: Last week I had to perform "Toxic" by Britney Spears. The Studio had to vote on a celebrity that is the direct antithesis for what you represent. They chose Britney Spears for me because they believe that I am nothing like her in any way and they wanted to see me adapt her physical life for an acting excercise. I prepared diligently and must say that I believe my studio members were throughly surprised to see me dressed in Britney dress, which basically means underwear, and dance in Britney's style, which basically resembles a striper's dance. The experience was incredibly humbeling and I have more respect now for music artists who can lip-sync and shake their butt at the same time. It is a fairly difficult task. I never thought I would have sympathy for Britney Spears but I do. It's scary what has happened to her.

Patrick and I went out for Valentine's Day. I'm still working on the never-ending play about Roe V. Wade and Abortion. It's coming along slowly but surely.Winter Formal was last night. I've never been one to spend an hour or two getting all dolled up for a dance. In fact, I wasn't going to go. Ms.Hepburn and I were going to stay in, eat our extra large Papa John's cheese pizza and watch Farrah Fawcett in a really terrible film-version of Extremities. When we announced to our studio mates that we would not be attending the winter formal dance they were very upset. we did not move in our ground. we were not going to do it. we were not going to waste our time getting dressed up only to feel self-conscious and ugly for a few hours. it wasn't until i had recieved our pizza and walked into Ms.Hepburn's room that out fell the words, "We could surprise everyone and show up." She looked at me and smiled and then we both realized how much fun that could potentially be. I set the pizza down, she logged off her computer and we immediately started undressing and trying on the dresses in her closet. Everyone was surprised, they screamed when they saw us and the dance wasn't exactly miserable. The look on their faces made feeling ugly for two hours totally worth it.

Today, I am back to early-spring cleaning. I must memorize an older monologue from The Children's Hour and write play journals. I am nervous about next week and I am not sure as to why. My stomach has been hurting for the past few days and the noise in my brain keeps me on edge. My dear friend will be returning from Italy soon. I am excited about this. Today is going by too quickly.

love, jessieh

---

Funniness from when Sam and I pulled an all-nighter:

Sam: Are we even roomates, that's what I wanna' know?

Jessieh: No baby, we're soul mates.

Whites Roses for Returns of the Day

2008-02-06T16:24:00.000+01:00

A very beautiful person gave these white roses to me, just in time for it being Ash Wednesday and a full moon tonight and the anniversary of something awful. It is in these roses I see God and I know God sees me.

love, jessieh

the story of we and ash wednesday

2008-01-28T16:09:00.000+01:00

and where i am coming from has yet to be determined, i know not how to communicate something so incredibly difficult. i know only the things that have been given to me, wrapped in a box without ribbon, but paper, decorated with the scribblings of a child. they were digging for something new in columbia, and i wonder who might become the next president. at this point i want the beautiful people to win, man or woman. keep huckabee away from this country. it has been concluded that romney cannot make up his mind and edwards does not know what he is talking about ever. i can choose between the colors, like ani difranco, on the whores. ash Wednesday is ten days away. and there is a laughter here, in that place where God says, "Remember you are dust and unto dust you shall return." and four years ago we watched a shipwreck and a bleeding nose run together for miles on end and this year we will sit under the golden arches of McDonald's fast food restaurant and run together for miles and miles on end. Ash Wednesday marks this day as it marks the day for children to cry together and begin starving until ash wednesday falls, slides against this day again.

love, we

when there is fat, there is memory

2008-01-26T14:18:00.000+01:00

"And sometimes it is best to protect the identity of the unfortunate ones, the innocents." -A.W. Braunwin

love, we

Speak of this to no one:

2008-01-25T12:36:00.000+01:00

Yet when I look at pictures, photographs of moments when there is no doubt that all of us were together in the opportunity to photograph, I see not myself. I see someone else.

This picture was taken almost one year ago today, funny how things change:

love, jessieh

PS: A beautiful couple will be together today in Italy and that makes me happy.